Crying Inside...!!!

Tears Don't Lie...!!!
What happen when you cried? Your body becomes weak...your eyes becomes teary and felt a slight pain until it becomes reddish...your nose runs with this endless fluid...your head experience this pain on the frontal and the sides...your throat seems dried out from those silent screams...your voice becomes a bit grasp and fading...and lastly you keep on coupling your hands above your face makes it hard to breathe...sad to see yourself in that situation right? hahaha - its pathetic and encouraging at the same time...
The amount of your sadness that you felt at that specific moment is equivalent to how much you try to suffocate yourself that time - the more you close your face during this process means the more deep the feeling is...and it shows how intense the pressure towards your emotion. In some cases, crying can be a really intense situation and most of the time it can drive people crazy out of the conscious of their mind. So yeah...crying is genuine...even if you are the best actor of the world, you can't perfectly fake it...

Why Do I Cry...?
A lot of things are played in my mind at the moment...some are doubts towards myself...some are the current situation that i'm in right now...some are due to feelings and emotions...families...and other stuff which seems little at times, but when it emerge itself in a bundle, can be quite a show...so yeah, i cried over these "small" stuff... - pathetic? or just being a normal human being?
Its been almost 4 years after i first take this journey of mine to discover whom am I and what am I suppose to do in life...reaching to this last years of my journey i can see that there are a lot more things will be left undiscovered...as any person would suggest to me, i need to make my decision and focus only on things that i wish to do for the rest of my live... - not an easy decision as i love a lot of things which i don't know whether i can take it all in with me at the end of this journey or not...

Am I Weak...?
This are the question which i asked myself during this whole charade of teary scenes...i keep on asking myself have my heart become soft? have i lost my focus? or i just decided to give up on my dream and give myself to the world? Then i cried...over and over again..silently in my own room without even letting a single noise went through my bedroom door...i scream in silent..my voice becomes soar till no noise actually comes out anymore...my nose is running fluid like crazy...my head becomes heavy and painful...i felt i'm going to faint at times...
And when the tears flowing down to my face...then went down to my shirt...it strikes me that this is not a sign of weakness...this is only me acknowledging what's happened to me in life (since I've been denying it as to show that i am focusing on my goals) and these flashback actually a sign for me to make a change in life...perhaps the things that i've done so far have some flaws...or there is a miscalculations somewhere...or am i too naive...or am i still need to push myself further deep...but one thing for sure is that I felt a bit better about myself...I did something so crazy that it has shaken my own ego...Its a humbling feeling and a prideful moment for me as well...The question is, how much more can i take?

 ~The biggest enemy of yourself is your own ego~

What Is Beautiful In Women?

Body?

No doubt in any men's mind that this is the most obvious determinant of a women's beauty...but does it really the case? The shape of their hips...the curves...the legs...does it really make a women what they really are? All this time I've been judging women's beauty by seeing this traits...and in the end it deluded my vision towards other characteristics of women which i found more appealing which is their smiles...attitudes....laughs...maturity...and many more...sexy is the words...but for me, there are hundreds of other words that can convey the same meaning...

I'm not giving away the fact that physical beauty is not important because I would be lying if I did so...but what I'm trying to say that it is not the only thing that matters...because as far as the body goes, the heart is what we search for...but most of us use physical traits to compensate their heart...and this usually dictates those breakups...divorces...and who to be blame for this? The guys that attracted to only the physical traits of a women? or the women that have to comply with the men's lust for physical affection by being sexy?

What Is Beauty?

Something that easy on the eyes? or something that can calms your soul? This two genres really attracts my attention since both of them have huge impact towards the whole relationship...one can only bring delight for a very short period of time...and the other can put someone mind and soul at peace throughout their life...what's funny about women nowadays is that most of them wanted the "Eternity Package" but put their faith in the "Fast Food" section...so the question is why?

If i use my logic of mind, it would go back to the traits of women and their trust issue...so far, based on experience, women are really loyal to their "chosen partner" and what cracks them up is when those "trust" has been breached...and this effected them tremendously and the result is more on them trying to compensate those loss with "options" and in order to get options, they forced themselves to be really aggressive in terms of getting them...this however is a separate case from those women which have less attractive physicals whereby they usually tries to highlight their other means in order to capture men's attentions. 

 A Million Dollar Question...!!!

If this type of so-called "victim of love" passes by a really respectable and loyal guy, would she be able to accept that person? and if that person is unlike the other "options" which she already captured, will she still be interested? From my point of view..the answer would be "a bit hard"...if the women is too consumed with all the wonders which those "options" provide...then it will be hard for her to step back and be in the real world... no judgement here from my end because it has been acknowledge by many that women have a tough time to going backward in lifestyle...so it is only plausible that they still wanted similar or more attachment such as these...so as what any other good-will person would do...i can only pray that they found their love in those world that they lived in...i know that i can only see them from the glass-case outside...but it never stops me from loving them...because i believe that loving is all about appreciation...not so much about possession...but if one of those angel willing to step down from their heaven and even glance at me, then i would consider myself as lucky to be born as a men...and if any of those women such caliber as that willing to even consider to love someone like me, then i think "age" is being cruel to them...because physical is not enough to sustain such beauty....and hopefully God bless them with so much joy and happines that the world can offer...!!!

~Women's beauty is not from her physical...but from her heart...~

What Have I Learned...?

It's Been 5 Years Since I First Started This Blog...!!!
How long does five year serves? Well, honestly, not that long if you ask me...slowly i realized the true meaning of the time factor against your wisdom...no wonder people keep on emphasizing that time is short...i can see it now...It's not so much about what you've achieve within this short period of time, but more towards how much you are living it...looking back at all the crazy stuff I've done so far, i realized that i able to live my life the way i wanted it to be...i mean, free is one thing, but able to make a difference in your own way of life is remarkably an achievement on itself...
Don't get me wrong, the system does have its benefits....but having it your own way have its strolls too...not able to have steady income...don't know when your next paycheck's gonna come also some of its traits...but for some reason, i still feel that i'm moving towards the right direction...why? I don't even have an ounce of fear within me...why? am i blinded by my goal? or i'm just plain stupid? Even i can't tell the difference, but people keeps on making their judgement...so yeah...its for me to know, and for them to figure it out...!!!

Love Life...!!!
It's been a roller-coaster ride so far...i mean, every time when i "think" i've met with "the one", then something else kicks in...suddenly the relationship got sour...or dry...as if they are judging me throughout the periods of getting to know each other...i totally understand the fact that you have doubts about who you be with...and how you always visualized how your life would be together...but from what i can see in my case was, it's more towards how you present yourself rather how you commit yourself...i guess women nowadays are more interested on what they see, rather then what they felt...honestly, in the "looks" department, i think i'm miles away from those other guys so to speak...but in terms of being an affectionate partner, i dint think that i'm far off from their scale...but again, that's its my own judgment...not them...

So, i've been wondering...if i were able to get those "good looks" and those "wealth", would i want to go and chase back those ladies? will it change things? will it define who i am? Will it make the whole definition of loving someone played differently? Would it set another scene for someone like me? Would it mean that i able to finally broke the barrier? or being successful?
If that's the case, then the world is sad...it's not the world that i dreamed when i was a child...i still remember during those days, i never think about all this nonsense...everyone is equal on their ground...everyone is smiling to each other...no one ever talks about how rich their family is...or where did they go for their holidays....the worst would be how big is your lunchbox...and that's it...nothing more..and nothing less...its all about your heart...and how honest you are...i really miss those days...

Friends & Family...!!!
Well, so far i consider myself as lucky...i still got my family to cheer for me...friends to accompany me...some comes...and some goes...i guess that were meant to be...sad, but i have to face the fact that not everyone can ride along with what you rode...nevertheless, i am thankful that those people existed...even their role either to just to have a normal chats...or helping me to be at where i am right now...both are equally important...i can only wish the best for them and their life in the future...and apologies for not being a good friend...
One thing that i've learned about this matter is that you can only bring a certain group with you at one period of time...there will come to the times where they feel unhappy, or stressed out with what you do...those people that once were your backbone can be your own enemy when the times hit south...its nothing personal i guess, its just preferences has changed...either they are not the same person that they used to be before...or you are not the same person you used too...but one things are clear...you are not seeing eye to eye anymore...so separation is the best choice for me so far...not forever though...i still believe that someday in some faithful day, we will meet again..and hopefully in a different circumstances...

~A journey is not a journey unless you step both foot outside and run towards the horizon~

Relationship Problems...!!!

What Does It Mean...?
Relationship is not something that you "declare" or "write-inn" in some papers...relationship is a sacred bond between two person's heart which only can be felt by non-other than both of them...so even though you say that you are in a relationship, you are not truly inn if you do not felt it to your core...from what i've seen, a lot of "couple" nowadays like to "declare" their co-existence with their partner as somewhat a relationship, but the truth is, they are not together spiritually...and most of them co-habit-ed just for the sake of fulfilling each other personal needs...does that is what "relationship" meaning has come too...?
Ideally, if you "in love" with someone...you should felt empty inside every time when that person is not around...your laughter seems dull when they are not around...when you are together, all the joy suddenly doubled...all the lame jokes seems on point...those awful restaurant now felt like an expensive dining hall when that person seat in front of you on the table...the night seems so fast...and the day seems longer...
Waking up seeing her face is the most exciting feeling of all...knowing that you have someone is there when you are down...and all your problem doesn't seems that awful when she's around...their clumsiness and their cheekiness are not all annoying...until you reach to these point, than just consider yourself as "not really in a relationship"...but more or less just being together with someone that you "like" instead of "love"...

Un-appreciative Gesture...!!!
Most of the time when i passed by on a restaurant or a coffee shops, i can see a lot of "love-birds" hanging and chilling out on a date and it seems nice at first...but as time passes, i can see that both of them are not really dating each other, and it bugs me every time as i genuinely identified these small un-appreciative gesture made by them during dating...phones consistently on their hands...looking at other peoples profiling or texting other people during dating seems not something that could be pass on as "having a good time" with your partner...dating used to be the time where you fully utilize your presence with your partner..sharing stories...exchange feelings and emotions...tell jokes...eating and drinking is just an excuse to be together really...but now, dating has become an obligation as a partner to meet once in awhile...and seriously, it does look bad...really bad...!!!
I think partner need to start to be more appreciative of their other half...because if not, the effort of "being together" will only just be a word that people talk about, and not a word that carved in your heart...The same goes for marriages and how many failed marriage starts with these gestures? lack of communication and lack of trust is the catalyst of unsuccessful marriage...and to think that those add commercial about having material as signs of happiness seems true in nowadays scene...but it not suppose to be real in the first place...!!!

Repair The Damage...!!!
The most complex puzzle to be put together is the women's mind and a heart that has been broken...and it's the most curious but true epidemic salvation of truce whereby one mistakes found some halo to try and make things work again..but trust me, the "trust" is so valuable in which when it cracked (even just a little), it takes thousands of good-will just to cover it up...and most of us always take granted for the trust we get...which beg the question whether we are worthy of such responsibility or not?...
But trust me, preventing is less headache than trying to fix it...because once the heart is broken, the work that need to be put...and the effort to make it lively again will be immense...and still, it wont be the same...not anymore...so whatever that you do..do it with cautions and know your game before you start them...!!!

Goodbye 2016...Hello 2017...!!!

The New Beginning To My Ending...!!!

Well..i started my year with bits of sourness since i got sick for quite number of days...and here i am thought that this year could be lenient...i guess i was wrong in that department...but i'm recovering (and guess what?) i will start back my journey with new spirit...new resolutions...and new and improve "Me" (self-proclaimed)....hahaha Generally new year is the time when all of us move on to the next stages in life right? but for me, half of it will be use to scrape those tiny leads of my past...not to cling, but more to understand who am i, and what is the reason of my existence in this world...

The new me will be different this year...i can be sure of that...because if 2016 ever teaches me anything, it would be that "life goes on"...trust me when i say this, these phrase seems easy to say, but a hell of pain to swallow...I still go with my guts in this...but i am pretty sure i've become a bit wiser and a better person than i am before...the people i've met, the places i've been...the experience that i've gain will not be in veil...because i got big plans for myself this year (just wait and see) :-)

The Conjuring Of My Soul...!!!

What i can expect for myself this year is that "This is it..." this is the year of wealth...for almost two years of scrapping for bits of money to survive and clinging onto people's mercy for opportunity has made me stronger (in a hypothetical way)...and this year will be the platform of me to show and tell...trust me, if you are in my shoes right now, you will be really thrilled to start something too...i think from this small gap of bravery (but most people say "idiocracy") that i've taken, i have able to separate myself from the rest of my peers and throw away my skeptical on "how life should work" and start a new...  

Since early 2014 to 2016, i have endure so much negativeness from a lot of people (sadly some of them comes from those i trust the most)...but as i go along this road, i realized that their skeptics has fueled me countless time and for that i can't really channel my anger to them...(not even worthy of my time really...) :-p I don't really believes in miracle since i'm the type that always push my way through hard work and persistence...but every ounce of cells in my body tells me that this year one will happen...and hopefully Allah will be kind enough to allow such a person such as myself to try his luck...fingers cross :-) Aminnn

Baggage's And Crossroads...!!!

I have decided to empty my baggage this year...So no more unprecedented liability...no more unworthy companions...no more hollow feelings....no more clinging to my old self...Its all about me and my family...because i have done trying to act cool...i've done trying to care so much about people that never actually give a damn about me...and also done trying to be this "perfect" figure which plays no role in my current journey...I've done doing all those stuff...so no more "Mr. Nice Guy" after this guys...sorry...!!!

In fact, how about we play this game which i like to call "Crossroads" (I invented myself)...the rule is simple...If at any point during my life journey, either you or any other person which knew me kinda bumped into me accidentally during any time onward, then it means you have a role in my life and we are meant to stay with each other (until either of us separate of course)...if not, then let just say "It was meant to be..." How about that? No heart feelings...!!!

During this stage of myself, I can't be bothered to worry about other stuff besides my family and my goal..it has to be done and i hope all of you understand (if you read this note means you have at least a decency to get a hold of my life story..)Nothing personal...just me trying to jump-start my life over-here...

~Wishing All A Happy New Year And Hopefully This Year Would Bring Something New In Your Life~

      

Letting Go...!!!

Not Really Easy As Said & Done...!!!
Since I started this journey of mine, I've encounter a lot of negativity surrounding me...and the biggest challenges does come from those whom knew me personally...let it be just a hoax gesture or simply plain crooked bash-drop towards my ambition....nevertheless, people keep on trying to pull me down and there were times where I felt "maybe it's time to condone to their demands...."
"People just don't see what I'm trying to do..." My tracks does move from side to side, but my focus has never waver even for one bit...If only I can make them see what I see...(however if one thing that experience do teach me, you will never able to satisfy the whole lot of them)...so I decided to keep my mouth shut and stay in the dark...let them wondering rather than I do the explaining...it's better that way i guess....
As far as age is concern, it does torn me a bit seeing a lot of my friends and relatives getting married...have kids...plus have their life together so perfectly...and sometimes I think to myself "did I do this wrongly...?"

Different People Have Different Timeline...!!!
Not all have a good written timeline on their side...so I never judge those who have it late...or praise those who have it earlier...because I know that mine maybe somewhere in between (hopefully)...What I need to really focus on is to reach where I believe could bring me to my happiness...Now I realize people saying that "even you doing nothing wrong, people still want to bring you down..." It's not as if I meddling with their life or anything, but their sense of eagerness and curiosity led them towards that conclusion...and the end, it wrecks other people's life...and trust me, it hurts like hell...especially when the closest is the one whom led the way...
Most of the time, when I look back into my life, I can only see loneliness...just pure loneliness...but when time passes by, those loneliness started to slowly disappear...not by odds...but by heart content on desperate relief and self-salvation...no one can release you from your despair accept for yourself...and no one can bring you down unless you let them too...

Will The Journey Continue...?
I will try my best to uphold my believe...until the end of time...until the end of my life...I will keep on going towards this road that I choose...either I succeeded or die trying..that's the only way I know how...I don't really care much of what people say..or what they will do to me...what I know is that this is my "Nindo ~ Ninja Way"....and no one can take that away from me...no one will....ever...!!!
I hope this will inspire those whom have dreams...and please always going towards it...never waver..and never think for a second that you are going south...because trust me, when you see everyone is going north, going south aren't really that bad....always be different...because Allah created us different as an individual...why must we became a same person? It's good to unite...but unite as "one" is different than "being one"...so always beware...copycats are everywhere nowadays...!!! Be yourself...stay true to yourself... :-)

What Makes You Different...?

Is It The Taste...?
Have you ever met with someone that "thinks" that they are better than you? And always assume that they are superior than you in every level...? always look down on you...never wanted to hang out with you...never notices you....which makes me think, what makes them different than us? What makes them "think" that they are no less than different than us? hmmmm..because their reason seems legit based on their attitudes...So I did my own research on this...and guess what? the result is scarcely "stupid"....!!! and didn't seems legit at all...but those "posers" seems to be enjoying the view..and love the attention....what a douche...!!!
What i found out based on my observation is that those "posers" think that they are different than everyone else is due to their so-called "exquisite-taste" in certain field...and because of that, they felt superior than those whom seems lesser than their preferences....(but what the heck..?)...For example, some "posers" like good music...they love something exquisite like "Jazz" or "Classical" which they assume that not many people in their "neighborhood" would like them...so every time when everyone wanted to share their "favorite tracks"..these douche would proudly increase the volume of the speaker and let the world know that "I'm unique"...  instead of "This is what I like.."
Same thing goes to Car-enthusiast which always seek for either a really "vintage car" or highly regarded and really expensive car just to brag and feel unique...I do understand that everyone is constantly searching for that "one thing" that makes them different in hoping that other people would acknowledge them and recognize them as they were...but most of us trying so hard which we force ourselves to be someone which we are not...and that would contradict with who we truly are...and that is baaaaddddd....!!!!

Some Douche Just Like Being A Douche...!!!
Posing as someone else does bring confident for certain people...some wanted to be like "Jay Z"...some wanted to be like "Richard Branson"...some wanted to be like "Mandela"....i mean, having an idolize character does have its turning point..especially when people start to "compare" between you and the "real one"...would that be kinda ugly...???
Some just ignore the rule of nature (which everyone is different in their own way) and just keep on living in their dreams...always fantasizing about how great their life would be if they able to follow the footsteps of those character that they've followed...and consistently changes their principle...and being all blur and just following the stream as they walk pass by...(not a good one to be i tell you...)
As a fellow "douche-bags", i would suggest that starting from now, all of us need to be more like yourself and less like other people...but the trick to this sort of "shifts" is to identify "who are you...?" and "what is your style?"...some people takes years to found them..some got it right away...some just too lazy to figure those out and copy others instead...you make the choice...!!!

Everyone Is The Star In Their Own World...!!!
Never feel lesser than the rest of the world...regardless of who you are...and where you came from...you are unique as you yourself already...why must take the "highway" and change that fact...? People will still envy you even if you are poorer than them...shorter than them...fatter than them...darker than them...because your imperfection is the most perfect uniqueness of them all...some people would die to have what you have...regardless of whether you have a million dollars in your account or not... because having your own identity is what intrigue people the most...always remember that out there, billions of people still lurking and scrapping dirt and dust just to figure out who they are...so if you are confident that you already did, then you already a step ahead from those people...why must you feel inferior and bad about it? Learn to love yourself...because no one else would do them for you...and always cherish every inches of your body, because that God-given body is what makes you unique...maybe not in the eyes of others..but in-front of HIM, you will always be his one-and-only piece of unique creation....!!!