Between Paranoia and Stupidity…!!!

Where Did I Do Wrong…?

I just need to define this actions of mine whilst considering the effect of it towards my life onwards…It’s devastating to be put in between “letting go” of something firm and concrete to grasp this blurred truth of my destiny…I know that most of us have this side-effect of “knowing too much” and due to that, we tend to keep on hoping for other windows of opportunity to come and knocking on our doors…but let’s face it…sometimes we need to “choose” what’s rolling in front of us…even though that might not be what we wanted in life…but at least it’s what has been given by “Him” to us at the moment….

Being conspicuous does has its perks…sometimes it “swings” on your way…and sometimes “the other way around”….but this game of “fetch” will always be repeated until one of us actually decided to “catch it”….Right now, I’ve born with this “unconditional” respect to those whom (without a doubt) pick the closes opportunity without even thinking or hesitated and live with that decision for his entire life…because I could never do that…I just couldn’t L

Do I Have Too…?

Not everyone been given a smooth gate away to heaven…some of us struggles just to have a sniff of the scent of success…and most of us die trying to even have that opportunity lies in front of them….so how do I justify this action of mine by letting this opportunity “slips by” just like that…? Am I an idiot? Am I picky of this sort of things? As I reckon myself, I always consider the pro’s and con’s when it comes to making big life-decisions like this…but somehow this time it’s different…Its totally not the same as it use too…why?

Why do I caught up with this obvious-looking problems which I just recently uncover…? Do I have to justify everything that I’ve done? Do I really need to tell the world of my reasoning? Because for some reason, I felt that the world is judging me without even looking at my perspectives….they lingers and looking down at you whilst giving this aura of negative perceptions of “you don’t know anything…” to you….It sucks…!!! But I guess it’s the kind of a price that most of us need to pay to let ourselves loose from their grips…I really hope that I did it…!!! I really do….

When To Decide…?

I still don’t have the answer for this yet…but I strongly belief that when the time comes…I will know about it….Not everyone can predict the future (metaphorically speaking) and not everyone have experience dealing with making a big-life-changing decisions…but when the time comes, those fear of making wrong decision will surely turns you into a more mature person…because by that time, you have the pressure of doing something that will affect those whose dear to you…and due to that, you will eventually have to decide for what is best at the moment for all of you (not just yourself)…  

No Matter What...!!!

I Don't Care....!!!

Recently I've made a realization on how strong the feeling of one human towards another. The conversation that me and my sister made the other day provoked my curiosity to seek for an answer for this phenomenon. For me, this is quite odd if you see it in a glance but in the sense of abnormality, it doesn't even counted as one. She has made it clear that the feeling she harvest towards this one person is unconditional. It's kind of funny because every time she mention about this "dude" it's always in a negative form of his. "He always say bad stuff about me in front of other people...", or "He always made fun of me when he's around his friend..." has always be her traits of him....and it bugs me every time she mention about his wrongdoings because clearly "he is not interested in you..." :-(

I keep on advising him (from a guy perspective) that he has no intention whatsoever in hooking up with her..but it turns out that those conversation always ended with a "sigh" and she seems to not able to grasp the idea that the person will never be with her (bluntly speaking)

"Nooooo....he just not into me right now...but eventually he will look me differently..." as she always said. I always be at furious every time she ended our discussion with this statement, because clearly she is routing for someone that is clearly doesn't show any sign of "attraction" towards her, and making the matter worst, she consistently seeking for my aid every time that "deuce bag" broke her heart...!!! I think I'm gonna have a heart attack :-(

The Heart That Tasted A Little Bit of Kindness...!!!

In my sister case, the earlier stage when all these craze starts to happen is when that "dude" offer her some help in the classroom. I mean, just with those small-small chores like helping her to sweep the floor after class could lead to this "madness" act which drive her crazy through her whole semester...!!! Why?

I guess when you received this small pieces of kinships which you misinterpreted as "Love", the impact towards your whole life afterwards could be disasters. She always have this idea that those "help" is a sign of "hitting" and those casual "smiles" is a sign of "attraction"....i mean COME ON...!!! Be a bit rational about this...We "guys" are not that easy......trust me...I know..!!!

Sometimes its just the act of socializing which we (guys) do casually to approach new friends...just saying hello's or greet you politely doesn't mean "anything" serious...Please do not caught up with those myth...!!!

It sometimes break my heart to see her "day-dreaming" about something which only exist in her dreams (but yet it shows in her real life also) and it divert her from her real objectives like "study" or getting her life together....but i guess i can't do much when the "heart" already feel those soft edges of other person's kindness...even blood-line couldn't shake those things up...haha :-p

Love Is More Than Words...!!!

Its an endless effort in saying "I care about you..." not just those single-driven act which has not been repeated in times...Love is not easily interpreted but it doesn't mean that It's hard to come by...If you really love (or be loved) by someone, be sure that those "kindness" or "Smiles" flows endlessly to the extend of this "awkwardness" which makes you feel the urge to "do more" :-) Then you can safely say "That person is attracted to me..." or "something is happening between you two..."~but not going too far with the statement~ or the truth will hurt you more :-(

I really hope that my sister will find her true love someday...not someone that only took care of her health, but also someone who'll understand her the way that nobody's ever did...because for me, that is "LOVE..." and the one whom seek it should be able to see them in its truest form...not its mirage or shadows...like i always says "The bush is scary..but the scariest part of the bush is the things inside it..." you can only imagine what's love before having it...but when you felt it..it will never be the same... :-) 

           

Happy One Year Anniversary...and Happy New Year To All...!!!

How time flies…!!!

Oh my god..!!! Has it been a year already? Gosh…how time flies when you stop looking at the clock…am I right? I guess it’s about this time around when I first step into this blogging “craze” and started to write my first “confession”…and as I recall correctly…I was soooo sad and mad at myself during that time…let it be about love…and life…I was so desperate to express my feeling which led me decides to let the world to decide it for me…haha

I just receive my (I don’t know how many) freshly remorse…I keep on blaming myself and almost all the time pointing finger at myself for all the wrong doings of others…I was young, and naïve…and always care about what people think about me rather than what I suppose to do to myself…gosh..!! What a rally…haha

Right now...i think the door has open itself for me to explore myself more deeply…i have made a lot of progress in finding “who am I” for the past year…and I must say to myself that “I really feel good about this…” Sometimes you wonder where you supposed to be and when you suppose to do it….Am I right? But when you already started (like what I’ve did) the question suddenly change to “where do I stop..?” haha

Boooo whoooo…!!!

No more crying…no more mourning…no more hoping….no more depending…I just have to state this facts to those people whom tries to take me for granted…because I’m a new man now J I’ve changed….no more “old me…” just accept the facts guys and girls….

If you ask me personally, do I really hate my old self so bad that I’ve decided to abandon it just like that? And the answer for it is “I don’t…” and who says that I decided to change myself totally? Haha

What I mean by “no more old me” is just an expression of those weaknesses that I’ve shown to those whom doesn’t worth for it…and how I wanted to improve myself to better lead my life than what I’ve done in the past J I have to understand that I’ve make mistakes…and those mistakes seems irreversible…(people are talking about me…what can I do about it?...) Instead of trying to make them stop…I decided to make them talk more about me by making myself better…I think it will do me more good than harm…don’t you think?

My 26 Years Old Cracked Mumblings…!!!

I’m old….i’m not 18 anymore…(not that I have a cool teenage life to begin with…) :-p but I do miss it once in a while…not having to think all these grown up problems ….living my life as free as possible…keep on wishing for those “fairy tale” ending…smiling every morning…listen to my moms and late-father’s voices every day…Feed my cats….watch my sister fighting each other at dawn…looking at the stars after the heavy rains…feeling the heavy wind across the paddy field…eating ice cream at the side of the road (whilst acting cool when doing it..) laughing at the old man tripping after scolding me and my friends for fooling around…being chase by mad cow for no reasons…catching fish with my bear hand at the river….fighting over whose have more “super power” with my friends after watching our favorite action heroes series…climbing those tall fruit-trees and fall down after miss-grabs a small branches…getting my tooth pull out by the “evil dentist” during my primary school days….get stood out from class when I fail to complete my school exercises…being pinch by my teacher because I was so loud in the class…laughing out loud when seeing my friends get an IV injection during our school days…and many more..!!!

I wish I could remember all those sweet memories…but I guess something are meant to be just for my heart to feel…my eyes to see…but not my conscious to kiss and tell about it…haha

My New Year Resolutions….!!!

Where to start I wonder….well, I have a lot of stuff that I wanted to do this year which I feel kinda wasted if I only focusing only on one thing…am I right? Hmmmm but if I wanted to rate all of them in one go...i would say that the most preferable thing that deserve my focus the most is “My family”…I wanted to payback to all of their hardship and patient in being besides me all this time…

Well, this year alone, both of my younger sister will continue their studies on a higher ground…and my mom isn’t getting any younger…so I guess trying my best to fulfill her wishes may ease up her pain a bit…Getting my life together is one of those small things that I need to do in order for me to get these stuff done…

Maybe seeing someone special might put a spark a bit in my life…getting to know someone that could be my soul partner is also one of those moment that I’ll be looking forward this year…haha J

Get a steady job…that have decent pay could spice my single life even better…getting all those stuff that I’ve envied the most might be among those list in my “To Do” item…not to mention travel across this nation would be nice…wouldn’t it?

But what can I say the most about this 2014 is that it will surely bring me more adventures and exciting life experience ahead…new friends…new environment…new status…I just can’t wait…I just can’t :-p

My Second Big Breakthrough...!!!

The Chance...!!!
As all of you might have known (or didn't know) i have been given the opportunity to perform in front of the whole bunch of my seniors, friends and juniors last week...and the feeling is phenomenal :-) 
I could not express my gratitude enough to those whom have the decencies to "listen" to this "hopeless romantic" guy singing...haha
The event was gracefully organized and the audience was decent enough to hold up an applause to those whom perform that night (including me and my band)...i was really excited at first but when the actual day arrives, the sudden "butterfly in the stomach" appears and it cracks the hell out of me :-p but i try to play it cool (i hope it doesn't shows that obvious) haha
The food was great and the crowd was surprisingly cheerful (i just don't know why...) and the caterer and those waitresses are undoubtedly "cute" :-) I'm actually even thinking on trying hitting on one of them (can you believe that..?)
It was by far "the most memorable night of my life" plus the honor given by my junior upon "me and my friends" depart from our university are the "icing on the cake"....
Seeing them smiling all the way through is enough to get my blood pump with the adrenalin to do my best in my performance that night :-)

The Band...!!!
These are the most important "back bone" of the night's performances...i strongly think that without their "magical touch" that night...those miracle won't happen..and due to that note, I really thankful for their participation :-)
The band keyboardist whom always complaint about how he has to do all the heavy role in the performance and the guitar player whom surprisingly been mock as "underutilized" throughout the whole charade...haha :-P how i will always remember partnering with all of your guys...i surely will :-)
Not to mention my guest performer (which is my senior)...he "on the last ring of on the bell" seek for our help to "back him up" for this one special request to perform for her fiance which for me is the highlight of the night...it was so great to be able to do a job well done that night :-)
Not to mention this one friend of mine which almost sing a song similar to mine and get a "pay back" visit from me all the way from the stage to the audience dining table...i could not be happier (i'm a bad guy am I...?) :-p he was so scared when i approach him once i try to do some interaction with some of the audience that joined the event on our last performance...sorry bro...you should have know what's coming :-p


Me...!!!
Well, for me..those performance was my last chance of saying "thank you" for the great and wonderful time that I've spend with all of those good people...and because I'm not rich enough to give all of them some cash to compensate their "trouble" so i choose to do a little bit of singing instead...(i'm a cheap stake right...) :-p
These four wonderful year has taught me a lot of things in life...and about friendships...not to mention the people that I've met...those girls that I try to "hit" and those lecturer whom endlessly pray fr my success by giving me lesson which molded me towards who I am right now...
The pain and despair...the laughter and smiles...all of those experience has given me the odds on how life works and how those people's role became important even though they are not there with me forever...
I don't know whether i will have the opportunity to meet with all of them at once again like that night...but i'm pretty sure that those people will remember me as i were to remember them...(fingers cross)



 



        

Younger, Same Age, or Older...?

Younger Girl...!!!
I always favor those younger girl in terms of their enthusiasm and energetic appearances (not that I'm that far off to begin with...) and their ways of thinking is much more simpler compared to those older women...!!! :-p
I guess sometimes it doesn't hurt to be just a bit stupid or doing something crazy once in awhile..am I right? Always look funky...and dress a bit different (not that weird, but does shows how bold they are...) They laugh a bit funny with those immature voice of theirs....not to mention the way they look up to you when they needed something...Its kinda cute to see those sparkly eyes (I guess it does feel kinda nice feeling needed) :-p
Not tied up to rules so much...and their rebellious act has always been a scene to watch...and from my experience so far, i can see that those younger girl tend to put their whole trust towards their partner which is "stupid" but "sweet" at the same time :-p
Its funny to see them re-act back those scene (like in their favorite television shows) and hoping that their partner would catch those "hint" of what's next...!!! Their cosmetics is something to be rearrange back but i can see their effort to embrace their femininity attributes...i guess it does feel good when you are young... :-)
They are the best...!!!

Similar Age Girl...!!!

Wow...this is a tough prospect to analyze...even for myself...haha :-p I mean, those girl that have similar age as me (or anyone else as far as their is concern) does provide a certain advantages due to the same timeline that those girl are living are almost the same as their partner...and the argument of "who is more experience..?" are no longer valid :-p
Both partner seems to taste the bitterness of each "era" (well it depends on their origins of course...) and the life standards are almost similar...in terms of the taste in musics...foods...or maybe clothing :-) this usually the best pair because of the similarity arise and both of the partner seems to have little difficulties in understanding each others interest :-)
It always trigger my jealousy each time I saw a couple that coming from a same classroom because they are destined to find each other in a really specific places...and to be able to see those couple sitting next to each other every single day add up those feelings to the max :-p haha

Older Women...!!!
People often says that "older women knows how to treat guys better than those younger girls..." I guess those words are true by both its definition and preferences....i mean, older women have more experience in handling tough situations...they may experience break-ups more often then those guys "crushes" :-p So those women really knows how to avoid unnecessary fights or irrelevant issues to effect their relationships...It always triggers my attention that those older women are more appealing than those younger girl due to their physicals and personal presentations....and don't get the wrong ideas when I state this, but for me personally...those older women really know how to please a guy rather than thinking selfishly of their own desire like those younger girls...
They are more calm and stable in terms of handling their emotional distress...and not caught up with those small stuff that usually bothers younger women and those "mature girls" really know what they want in life and choose their partner base on their emotional needs rather than those material desire and stuff... :-)

No One Is Perfect...!!!
I know that choosing a perfect girl is somewhat impossible....but at least i wanted to know that the girl I'll choose is the one whom is moving towards those "perfections" :-) Be it emotionally unstable, Selfishly redundant, or just plain craziness...I don't really care how imperfect she is...as long as i know that by being together with her will make her complete...
People always says "You complete me..." to their partner...but how sure you are that you can "complete them..." :-/
Be it younger, similar or older...what i care the most is how she feel about me...if she can trust me enough to be in her life...and seeing her make a fool out of herself...than it should be clear enough that she is perfect for me...because no one is more perfect for you accept yourself...and by those act of them make me realize...that i am hers and she is mine to be :-)

~The Search Continues....~          

 

Bad Boy Good Boy Chronology...!!!

I'm Bad...!!!
I know that most of my peeps always wonders "why?" do i keep on suggesting that I am a bad boy? Well, the answer is simple...i want to be different than my old self...!!!
No one want a nerd...!! am I right? be it a friend or foe...its just nature :-p Usually i was this nerdy kid whom look less intimidating with my glasses...and books...and those outdated clothing...haha
Sometimes i wonder "how can i live with myself back then...?" :-p Every time i browse through my old files and saw an old picture of myself...i would be like "what daaaaa...." haha
No wonder i have no chance with them ladies...(if you know what i mean...) but truthfully speaking...i feel kinda sad for my old self on being like that...i mean, that dude really have a hard time during those days...he really did :-(
But don't get me wrong...I'm still that nerd boy...sluggish...childish...and guess what "still a virgin" baby...muahaha :-p
But maybe my persona has change...my attitude are also change...i hope that this changes that I've made could bring me towards a new height...to a place which i would never reach if i still being me like I was before...

I Blame My Friends...!!!
They would kill me if they knew about this phrase...haha :-p I guess, thanks to them, i finally realize that nothing good gonna come if i keep being my old self....being this "new me" does boost my confidence by a mile...no longer smiling politely whilst hoping for a reply...no more nodding my head to almost every known person that walk pass by...no more awkward hand gesture and those ridiculous outfits...my hair before were like those book-worm and my expression of fashion were like the Sahara's dessert...nothing even compare to my taste for self satisfactions...i use to just be happy with lying around surrounding by my Que-cards and magazines...
Seeing me right now almost makes me cry...just imagine how far I've come to this stage...only to know that I've always been given a choice...a choice to choose what i want..and when do i need it...not govern by anyone else...no sir...!!!
I feel like I'm the king of the world right now :-)

The Most Important Lesson...!!!
I've learn that there is a huge different when you trying to meet people's expectation rather than being your true self...before this, i always hear the phrase "be yourself..." but i never actually get it until now :-p
This is really important input for me because as I recall, almost my entire life, I've always be this guy whom wanted to please other people...always care about what people says about me...for me, that is the most concerns thing...but now i realize that no matter how hard you try...you can never satisfy "them" :-( They will always say something about you...good or bad...those words will always coming inn whether you like it or not....
So, when i decided to take action into my own hands...those words seems slowly deemed...not because what i did is "right" but more or less, they consider me as "not appealing" as I used to be :-p
I mean...its good that their eyes is subjected to another target...but it didn't mean that my goals are shifted...i can promise you that my focus will always be the same...nothing that i can do that enabled me to change that...
I guess in the end...I'm still the same old me...maybe my appearances has change...but my resolve are still tombed deep within me... forever...!!!
Its good to be bad...doesn't it? :-)    

Me & Singing...!!!

It goes way back...!!!
I still remember those time where my sister and I were fighting over "who's can sing better..." :-) we would sing our favorite songs and decided among ourselves whether we are good enough to be a singer or not? but my lil sis always says that she is (but apparently she's not...) haha :-p

Michael Buble is my favorite english singer of all time

My late-father on the other hand were very inspirational...i mean...that old man can sing..!!! haha
I guess i pick up where he left it...and kept it to myself...he would sing songs from his "golden times" like Elvis Preisley's...Jonny Cash's...and Frank Sinatra's...and we were all like so impressed with his voice.... (but now it seems like his old cracked voice does serve him well when he sings those songs...) haha :-p
My mom is not much of a singer...but she does listens to my dad's every time he does it...either at the kicthen's...the living room's...or in bed...haha It was like and old records that never stops playing all over again and again :-) sometimes we even have to ask him to "stop singing..!!!!"
But now since his gone...i kinda miss his voice :-( i really do....!!!

My First Open Session...!!!
During my high-school's day, i always have this urge to sing in front of a large crowd...!!! gracefully showing off my vocal is what i was hoping for but i never could actually get the chance...!!! I mean, i have the will to do it, but it seems that every time i see a large crowds, i would get terrified and nervous for no reasons (even though when other people are performing...) haha :-)

Always admire Anuar Zain for his superb vocal control

So, when the time comes (my school suddenly hold this open session for all students) i just grab it without any holding back...i was like "this is it...!!! maybe this is my time to shine...) then i registered as a participant and wait for the day to arrive...but in the mean time, i was like trying so hard to fight this "butterflies" in my stomach...i do a lot of secret training in the shower (and my dorm-mate was like "he's crazy...") haha
When the day arrives, i'm so confident that i can woe the crowd with my so-called "beautiful" voice...i choose my all time favorite tracks which is the Westlife's greatest hits....and confidently stand on the stage...i can clearly see my teachers sitting down...and some clapping from those who knows me...not to mention those "hater" which never knew that i could "sing" :-p
So, when the tracks starts to play, i was like "this is it wan...this is what you always wanted..." and starts to sing...at the first two verse i think i did great...all the melody rhymes well...but when the chorus starts to kick in..my voice were like off the rails...and when i starts to put a high pitch tone, i can see the judges were like "covering their ears...and do this "i can't stand his voice-face expression"...haha and guess what...i lost :-(
Going back empty handed doesn't seems to bother me much..but having the idea that "I suck..." is the hardest part...

I Didn't Stop...I Never Stop...!!!

This new singer (Afgan) will be the next big thing

Up until now, those "first" always teaches me on how far that I've come and how long does the journey takes me...I can finally understand what people's see in "singing" and how the vocalic piece can actually impacted one soul...because it does impacted mine...and i'm pretty sure that the other also been effected for the same cause...
After that session ended...i did try to enter a couple of open mic session but it seems that fate doesn't wanted me to be in those event much...I did however try to apply for participation in this one national singing competition, but my dad didn't allow it...(i did sulk for a week because of what he did) but i guess in the end, i can't run away from it because now...i'm doing it...and i'm doing it in front of a quite a huge crowd like i always wanted...for me..its good enough to be thankful for...its worth every seconds of the waiting's...and it most definitely good enough for all those countless time standing in front of the television and admiring those singer that i admire...!!!
I am happy with this...I truly do...!!!