My First Time....!!!

There is always the first time for everything...right?

This is my first time entering a music competition...and I think I suck at it...haha :-p In my head, I was like..."I wanted to do this and that" on stage...but in the end...i just stuck with sitting on the chair and tapping my feet while i add it :-p
To tell you the truth...I don't really like standing in front of the crowd so much...because it always give me the butterflies in my stomach...but i guess, sometimes when you wanted to to something, you just simply forget how terrifying it was to you before and just march up ahead unknowingly :-p
But i keep my cool...haha

The Songs...!!!
Well...i performed three song at the competition and two of them were my originals...i was so scared if no one likes it (because that was my first time singing any of my songs live...) but i guess i just didn't care much about the crowd cheering over my songs because my focus is just to let everyone hear my expression of how music should be presented (getting cocky already...) and how I wanted my music to be listen...I was just relief that there were some clapping from the floor...and it was memorable when the cheer getting louder and louder when my performance is getting nearer to the end....
The feeling is just overwhelming and breathtaking....and it makes me wanted to just stay there for a little bit longer and sing my other songs...haha :-p

Fairy Tale....!!!
I wrote this song about two days before the competition starts...and i think i did a good job composing it (self-proclaimed) haha This song is actually about a boy whom his whole life was always living in a fairy tale...everything always seem perfect...and the world is always full of magical and wonderful things happen every time you wish for it...but as he grows older...he realize that the world is not what it shows and the perfect world that he lives inn were actually a fragment of his own imaginary thoughts of how the world works....in the end..the boy chose to leave his so-called "perfect" world and open himself to the real world where the sunshine is not always bright and the sky is not full of a wishing stars :-)

Wanted To Love You...!!!
This song is actually a tribute to those lovers and couples out there...i compose this song after i realize that most of my friends are getting their life's together and most of them are getting married...i was just so happy for the news that keeps coming and coming and i think by composing this song is the only way i know how to express my happiness towards their happy ending :-) This song just simply a straight up love song that tells how important the other half of you to be a part of your life...and how wonderful it will be if both of you to stay like that forever and ever... :-)
Just telling your spouse a simple "i love you" over and over again is just a life that i wanted and i guess...publish like this maybe letting some of my intention out loud for everyone to shares....haha

My Hopes...!!!
My thoughts during the performances were..that special someone for me is among the crowd...haha i was like "i hope she could hear how sincere i was during the performances" and she would just came out from the blues and say "i love you" to me... :-p -save me the trouble to search wouldn't it? haha but i guess nothing happens and the night just went as what it suppose to be....even though i lost the competition...but i think i accomplish something in my life during the performances...something that only me could understand...and only she could approve off...even though there are a lot of people that hear my performances that night...i just wanted her to know that the songs is only just for her...and even the world disapprove of my doing...i will make them understand how important this was for me...and hopefully in the end...she will come and do the same for me :-)


                                                 ~Cant Wait To Go On Stage Again~
 

The Funny Things About Life...!!!

The Expectations....!!!
Well, most of the time it seems that we rarely get what we wanted in life...right? and only few in which happens to be on the right time "knocking" when the times in need... :-p
When we needed it the most...and beg for it to appear...it just wont....and when we never expect it to show...it shows...why?
I guess life is just perfect to be imperfect as it is...and "it" is just beautiful for being ugly sometimes...haha :-p
"Us" are the one whom make our life as it is...and only "us" can make the difference...even if the life that we get is not what we hope it to be...just live it as what we wanted it to be...even the starting point is not serve on a silver plate :-)
"Life goes on..." is what i always say...and so does the hope for it to better in future...always remember that it is not wrong to be at the wrong side of the fence...but it is wrong if you stay at it too long...because you never know what life has installed for you...just be brave enough to climb the wall when the time is in need :-)

The Eyes That Bear...!!!
I once walking at this one night market near my neighborhood, and i saw this old women sitting at the corner of the crowd whilst holding a cup of an empty can and wavers it towards the wondering people and beg for some sympathy...sitting next to that old lady was her child...pale face and skinny body is just few to mention about her appearances...those two was just sit there and looking all sad whilst the other lurks just tries to avoid any eye contact with these sad people...(including me) :-( scares of commitment to help, the others just act like there is nothing to see or hear...and just continue walking by right pass them both...
Sad isn't it? for those two, life may be cruel to them...only able to dream what those people are having...cars, shirts, and maybe a warm place that could be call "home".... :-(
How about those crowd that I've mentioned? They maybe have all the basic things in life...like jobs, cars, and a little financial that may be stable at the times in need....but does it enough even for their ends to meet?
This cycle continues to those high level tycoons and tycats of the world...but even though their life has been set in stone...the "want's" has never be close for closure...the lust for "more" has never stops...

The Irony...!!!
I remember this one time when I have only a dollar in my pocket...and it seems that I could only buy either a single piece of bread or a bottle of a drinking water at this one store...and it bugs me because that time is just near lunch hour, and I have no money to buy myself any other food during that time (i was so broke) My stomach is asking for the bread, but my throat is just too thirst for those water...and I was like "what should I do...?" :-( In the end I end up buying nothing and walk out the stores with a sigh... :-( I could not think straight and I end up at my house with nothing to eat or drink...suddenly, out of the blue...my friend comes back from this one wedding and bring back a bundle of food with him...only God knows how grateful i am at that time...(but I try to remain cool...haha )
But what about those people whom doesn't have anyone to bring back food for them? how will they survive? it makes me think back at all the times when I experience "near death" situation like that and I've been save by someone unexpectedly... :-p to be at those state with a conscious mind is something that only a certain people could understand...and if they do...will they help you? :-/
Just imagine how how awful the poor women and her child when their stomach is growling loudly but have no one to care about them? It make me shed tears sometimes thinking about how my life is much more better then those two...and how ungrateful I've been thinking that I have my life miserable...Sssshhhh :-p what an ungrateful person I've become...am I right? :-(

The Thoughts....!!!
I was thinking...life is always work the other way around...when you expect it to favors you, it does the opposite...and when you less expect it to happen...it hooks you up and change your life for good...(well, it depend on your effort..) Nevertheless, you wouldn't be hoping for something if your life serves your every needs in a silver platen right? For me, this what makes life interesting...the adventure of changing your own life to be what you wanted it to be is so intriguing and exciting...because life has given everyone a chance to change their life equally and if anyone prove their existence is worthy for such reward, they will be granted by their effort...I hope my confidence do not fails me this time...haha :-p fingers cross :-)



       

The Lucky Star...!!!

Always be positive...!!!
Throughout my years of doing the things that i do...i have been through a lot of screaming...cursing...and maybe some physical contact which i think shaped me towards the person that I am right now :-p
(and people keep thinking that I have my way easy....sigh...!!! )
There is no easy road when it comes to success...and i always say this to myself "for you to be able to stand at the spot where you are at right now is already consider as a success....never think that you don't deserve the things that you've got now...because if those things stays...it means that it was meant to be there...."
I've learned that even though there is a lot of hurdle along the way...there is always a way to overcome it..what you need to do is just stops for a while and just think about it for a second...sometimes we tend to confuse ourselves with what is simple to somewhat complex side of it...and there is no surprise when some of us fall down on the road due to their own confusions :-(

You are perfect for the way you are...!!!
Never compare yourself with other people..because if you do, you just let yourself drown in those peoples' success to the extend of forgetting yours....
I acknowledge that some people tend to have an obvious success story in which make others feel insecure or threaten by it...and some are so influential which shadowed others for good....but it doesn't mean that you yourself didn't have the chance to do it...or your so-called "small" success has no whatsoever significant value...!!! Trust me...every effort counts and you shouldn't feel embarrass about it....
Some people constantly hide their joy or laughter just because they don't want to be an eyesore or ill-view to those whom maybe have a better joke or joy than you...(metaphorically speaking) Just laugh it out loud and express your heart content the way you wanted it to be...because if you ask me, I don't really give a dam about those people who judge you or think ill about you when you are having fun...as the matter a fact, i think they should respect your rights and just let you have your glory when you have it :-)

Never Give Up...!!!
If you've once falls...don't afraid to get up and try again..because when you stop trying...means that the chances of you to get it right also stops to nothing....when i was little, my dad use to say to me that "the pain that we felt when falling are the reason why we gain true success...because when you've tasted the feeling of defeat...you will try your best to not ever feel it again...and the constant fear of getting near to success excites you more than those whom never fall on their knee..."
Now i know the true meaning of your words...and I will try my best to never be on the same pace as i am before... :-)

                            
                                                       ~Good Luck Guys...~


     

I'm A Fat Boy...!!!

Have you ever be...?
I don't know how many of you have the experience of being a fat boy or girl in your life, but I think I'm lucky enough to able doing so before :-p The eating was great and the food is more like your pain killer than your stomach fuller....haha :-p
You constantly scares off the occasional treat because of your size and the space allocated for your is largely more because no one wants to sit next to you in a bus or train :-p Heaven doesn't it?
But, there is a lot of things that you didn't know about us...the big old boys :-p There is always a darkside of any story right? :-( and to tell you the truth, it is not pretty guys :-(


The constant fat-jokes...!!!
Have you ever been make fun off constantly..and it burns you off whenever it happens :-( and suddenly you notice that among those crowds, you are always be the target of their jokes? Well, I have experience that..and it was horrible :-( I know that it is really funny to see an overweight guy walking or sitting...or maybe just eating their breakfast (because it is a mountain of food right?) but please try to put yourself in their shoes for a moment...and try to understand them :-( because if you do...you'll know how much suffering that they have to endure to just standing tall in front of the crowd like you :-(
Yes...!!! Have a baby face and chubby cheeks does have its moment, but when the odd goes against you, what's left is just a walking fat with a wobbly armpits :-( huhu
The sweat that we make and those noises when we're gasping for air is not a sexy attributes to our physicals..but we are a living things too...do you notice?

Are we such a nuisance...?
Are we such an eyesore that most of you always think ill of us? Why must you keep on making fun of us? Have we did something to ruin your life before? This is what lingers in my head before and the puzzles is getting wider and wider....I just don't get it...!!! :-(
But now i kind of able to see it a bit :-p because for some reason I am not among those "type" of group anymore...don't get me wrong...I'm not saying that I've forgetting who am I before...but more or less, those somewhat "argument" of the reason for people to persuade on "making fun" of oversize people are much more clearer to me than before :-p
Believe me...it is ridiculous and stupid...and I don't think it should be there in the first place :-(
Just because you have a nice body which is not flabby and you can easily find cloth at the mall doesn't make you a "saint"....:-(  God has create each human in their own forms for a reason...and that includes us too :-)
Live with it...or just be silent about it....because we happens to live in the same world with the same opportunity...don't easily judge people like us too soon :-)

Be grateful...!!!
I don't see any problem of being either slim or fat or ugly or handsome...because for me, what matters are the inside of the person...and that is worth more than any supermodel combined...
The person that is "true" is the one whom you feel comfortable with, and it is not involves either its appearances or their wealth...even if it varies between individuals, but I know that in the end...It will comes to these...and believe me when I say this, "you'll get what you wish for...but the "wish" is not necessarily what you'll get..." so, if you want it..you just have to fight for it....
Always be grateful of what God has given you and cherish it while it last :-)



 



    

Faithful Day...!!!

Meeting Her...!!!
Have you ever walk around the park, or just chill out at the mall and suddenly your eyes caught this beautiful girl and you said to yourself "Gosh...I think she's the one for me..."  and out of the sudden her boyfriend showed up and then you kept thinking to yourself "Dammit...that should have been me...." :-p
I did :-( ...and the scene has always been the same over and over again...It kinda make me realize something, which bugs me....where does all the beautiful girl goes? haha
I've ask my friend about this and he says "well, those girl definitely goes to where you didn't bro..." haha :-p
One of my friends tries to set me up with this girl which I don't have any feelings at..and when I turn down his offer..he says to me "what kind of girl that you really wanted bro? because this chicks is good..and beautiful...." I kinda making him a bit angry at me...and after minutes or arguing about my taste towards girl, he just stops and change the subject of our conversation... :-( ~sorry bro...~
I know that a lot of my friend are trying to help me...and some of them really did a good job setting me up with girls that kinda hot :-p but trust me...I need to do this on my own :-)
Because if I don't...how on earth will I know that she pick me because of whom I truly am...instead of just follow what her friends told her to do...I just wanted her to make her own decision whether I'm worthy enough for her love or not :-)

If the fate meet us...we shall be in love :-)
I don't want to rush things off....because I know that if i did, it will never make our love pure and lasted :-) I know that my wish is kind of hard, but if she's the one for me...she will also think the same way :-)
I don't want to wake up in the morning three or four years later regretting myself for ever go through with that sort of relationships...It just not fair for the girl and for me to live in such guilt :-(
There is a part of me that keep saying "It's worth the wait...so just wait for her...and she will come to you..." I don't know why I kept on thinking this way but I figure maybe she's doing the same thing as I do...preparing herself so that when the time comes...when she's ready...our love will meet us together and it will last forever until the end of our time :-)
This may make me look like I'm such a douche bag or pretentious slobs, but i guess "a man got to do whats' a man got to do.." :-p

My girl...!!!
I think I figured out what kind of girl that I want...but it's kind of twisted a bit :-p Haha you see, for all this time, i kept telling to myself that the kind of girl that I want to marry is the kind that is beautifully inside, and knows her way to my heart...but now I realize that the girl that I want is actually a girl that love me the way i love her...always tries to impress me like I try to impress her....always try to woo me like I wooing her...always try to make herself there for me like I do for her...always love my family like what I will do to hers..she must be really independent but doesn't shadowed my existences ...mature enough to know her roles and knows her boundaries...because this is sort of things that I would do to her when we are together...and i hope she will do the same :-) Haha no wonder my friends says that I am living in a dream..right? :-p

Moving on with my life...!!!
I've been waiting for her for quite some times now...but I guess she just not ready to reveal herself just yet :-( I don't know what I've did wrong...but noted that I will always be waiting for you...
If you are out there...reading this...please know that you are the "other half" of me and only you can complete me...if you have even the slightest hint about me..please let me know because I have no clue of where you are :-( If I do, trust me when I say this...I will run towards you and never rest until I get you by my side...you can think anything that you want about me (even think I'm crazy) because that is how much pain I've suffered waiting for you :-(

~if only fate has a GPS...i'd be with you right now...~ :-p





   

My Dark Side...!!!

Everyone Have it...!!!
I think that it's natural that we all have secrets...right? Some are so humiliating that we constantly hide it from the eye of the public...i guess we just afraid that if people knew about it, they will hate you...or maybe despise you as who you were before :-(
Some are so prejudice and judgmental about others' past as if they will never change or be different :-( Prying but beg the differ, is what bugs me...They should realize that no one has a "picture perfect" and not everyone has a good life story to be told about :-(
Even a princess run away from her castle....and the reason why phantom of the opera never reveal his face...its just like a "pandora box"....once someone open it up, it will reveal a secret that will make them regret their decision to open it in the first place :-/
As for me...some of my secret will remain a secret...just for me and me alone to discover and to be safely kept :-p because if I let it out, I afraid the spread will ruin me for all for good :-(
P/s: If I told you...I have to kill you :-p haha

Been wondering...?
I just finish listening to Kelly Clarkson's "darkside" track and it triggers me towards something...this song remind me of the person such as myself...a person that have so many secret that might scares anyone that knows about it...thinking back at all my previous life, I can see that there is so many stuff that I need to hide...
Believe me or not, but I think many of us do experience the same thing as I am...please tell me that none of you have some sort of secret that you would whatsoever tell people anonymously about it and doesn't feel any concerns about how they felt about it...!!! because if you do...I guess you are among those lucky ones whom literally have a perfect life :-) Haha
I think my life is like an "open book".....but you'll never found the "chapter" to my secret :-p because among those boring countless text of my life...lies some short phrases that reveal my dark sides...bits by bits...and only those whom interested to read all of those "boring" words can find it :-p
Like I said before 'I only let those whom I trust to enter my heart...and only them can see how much damage has been done..." and only them can repair it or accept it as it were :-)

How about me...?
Wow...!!! bringing this question back right at me is quite tough...because for most of the time I'm the one whom always hope that people would accept my darkest secret...but what will I do if someone else wanted me to do the same to them? what will I react? How well do I accept it? I just don't know it yet... :-(
I guess I'm just in the same shoes with everyone else...sometimes, those so-called "secrets" becomes appealing to you because it somehow involves you in it...but what if it aren't? Do I just walk away? or do I stay?
What if those secret changed your life...and what if it effect your relationships? What if it turns you against your love ones? would you still want to tell it? or hear about it? :-(
I guess I will never know about it...or understand it until it happen to me in that manner :-p but to those whom in this kind of situation, please be known that there is always an option....choose wisely :-)

Note To God...!!!
"Dear God, I know that I've never be a good believer...I know that my heart always waver to keep my faith and devotion to you...always neglect your order and questioning your work...but I always known, that deep down inside my heart, you've never do the same to me...you've always kept you faith in me...a person that always forget about you...because I always feel you presence...guiding me even when I neglect...giving when I don't receive...I don't know how much I have done to deserve such a care...but It always make feel blessed even if I seems to walk astray...
I have did so many sinful things but yet you're still here...being besides me...always care about me...always look after me...and it makes me smiles every time I able to capture one or two of your work for me :-)
Please forgive all my sinful act..please forgive all my weak at heart...please forgive all my disbelief...because if you don't, I just know, that I will keep on stranded more and more...because without you to believe in me, I will forever be what I should not :-(
Knowing that you know me more than I know myself is comforting..because for all of the things that happen to me...before, now, and after...is what suppose to be happening....and I promise to always be faithful to all your command and pray for your blessing..." Amen :-)
  
  


   

  

The Deal With The Devil...!!!

My trade-off...!!!
I believe that from all these time, I've been selfish and ignorant of the things that I suppose to care about...either it plays significant role in my life or not...I choose to stay neutral and keep my mouth shut...
Surprising enough, I took the liberty to use all those "free-time" to polish myself in whatever prospect that I can think off...hence make me somewhat "focus" on the things that is in front of me rather than open my third eye to those stuff which happen around me :-(
Believe it or not, but I think there is a huge loop hole somewhere in my life that I've missed due to this ignorance which make me feel "inhuman" rather than life my life as it intended to be :-(
Gosh....if only I know what it is, maybe I could do something about it now...

The Devil Wears Prada....How Cool was that...!!!
I guess, the "bad" overshadowed the "good" this time...I don't know why, but my inhibition keeps telling me to walk "away" from the light...should I? (-_-)
I know what is good and what is bad...I really do...but why do I keep on hesitating to comply? Why does my heart keeps changing its course whilst my mind is guided towards "Him" :-(
This conflict of myself give me quite a challenge and I afraid that with my weak-heart, I will fall down the endless hole which drown a lot of my brothers and sisters...
To tell you the truth, I'm confuse and the world seems not helping much :-( I guess its true...the devil now is much popular than the angel because those demon really know how to sugar-cult the Hellish-Hell into a "Disney Land"....for what its worth..of course :-p

Who's To Blame...?
Well,if you ask any religious people, they will say the same thing "Do not blame the "Belief"...but blame the believers whom did not follow their beliefs as intended..." :-/
It's true...I also feel the same way, as for me, I would never find other excuses to cover up for my mistakes and my weaknesses...I would be a fool if I do so :-(
I've learned that even if you are a good person, doing good things, be among good people, doesn't make you that much of "good" in front of "Him" until you are fully believe that only through "Him" and "Him" alone shall you receive retribution and self-clarity of your reason for living :-)

A Reminder To Myself...(and other)...!!!
"To those Non-believers, sinners, and the weak at heart...hear me out...we are the ones who's to be blame...please stop finding excuses to pretend that what we are doing now is right and keep on praying for some mercy of "Him" to keep us in his path and forgive us for what we have done to our self...Try to open your heart to possibilities because "His" work are wonder-est and great...and hopefully by "His" grace, we shall receive some blessing to keep our faith in "Him" as our journey in this land is guided towards the only way that is true...the way towards "Him" and only "Him" alone could grant us the reasons too....Insyallah...!!! Amen :-) "   



 

   
   

Tonight I Want to Cry...!!!

Tonight I Want to Cry...!!!
There are so many reason to cry...right? Some are dull and simple...most of them are complicated and twisted...but what do i see in it are mostly something that make your heart depress and unhappy..."Joy" on the other hand are misplace in this scene where one person simply cannot find a better way to express his gratitude of the things that happen and starts to cry over it in a more discreet manner :-p
I actually envy those whom simply can express their sorrow simply by shedding tears because it seems that my manly pride just wont give in just like that...I guess I was not built for that kind of gesture and composure :-(
Many have told me that crying is for losers and as a man, I must not let my emotion overcome my sanity (because I am a dude...right?) :-( but to tell you the truth..my heart is not that strong...I sometimes feel scared and lonely.....missing someone is also a good reason to cry for...and not to mention thinking about the things that happen in the past...(That's a bummer...)
Shhhs.....if only I have an "off-switch" somewhere.... :-p

Not That Easy...!!!
I guess being the head of the family and all means that i need to suck everything up into my head and dry it off clean....not letting a single trace of it ever bugs me is also a challenge because it is not easy to pretend like those burden never waver my faith...it really does :-(
I always think that my road has a long way to begin with...and suddenly those feeling of sadness flows like river and not long after that...the rain starts to fall :-(
What should i do if that ever happen in front of the person that i cared about? what if they think that I'm not up for the task....what if they think that I'm a weak and not able to uphold my responsibility? I can't let them think like that? can I?
I guess it is not easy when you have all these "stuff" put onto your shoulders....right?

Is it Worth it...?
Each an every pain is worth a thousands more...but if it ever land a single blow on the person that i cared about...it will be millions times more than what it use to feel...
I guess blood is more thicker than water...right? and love is more than just a feeling.....because if it is not, I will be crazy wondering how on earth that i would do all this things for them...
I guess...it just dumb luck that I've be raise in this godforsaken world...but trust me...It worth every seconds of my time :-)

         

The Night Whisperer...!!!

The Night Whisperer...!!!

The moon's darken as my sanity rushes to the edge of the night...
Outside the hallway ticking the sounds of times' timid thunder...
Awaken my ground hence open the words of the night...
Whispering an ounce of phrases that touches my naked heart...
"Don't cry" it says...as it moans to myself, begging to ease the rainfall...
The beating crawls faster and faster as the night go deep...
Sensing the broad daylight is far from reach...and may be in veil...
The heart once more drools in tears as the memory of the past seems hunting....
The voices of children's linger as the familiar faces cease to appear....
Eyes of heavenly earthly clock the scene as the background make its appearances...
Now all the puzzles is in place...
The heart seems to tell me something in a single beat that no one could ever understand...
"Have you forgotten?...." it says....
Rubbing my soared eyes make me realize...that this body reels with tiredness....
But the cozy bed not likely able to tempt my desire....
My head filled with questions...
Questions in which may lead to no answer...
Even the night grows older...but the shimmering gesture of the blues seems unfed....
Realizing the truth over the truth is showering, makes the goosebumps seems real...
The forbidden fruit is ready to be pluck...
Consciously, the body rises to take a lead...
Sitting on a chair, and thinking about a life...a life that brought a life into this life...
Rewinding the tape doesn't make the ashes clearer...
Hovering the past has attract unattended visitors of the night...
A creature so bold and brave...
That deems to cast a shadow in this faithful night...
Ruining the peace at heart...or save my soul from embodied lies of the defeated living...
I guess, the joy of not knowing has never been so dead...
But the price is higher than the Himalayas...and deeper than the seven seas...
"The truth will kill or set you free..."
No soul shall interfere once the spell been cast-ed....
and no soul shall enter this magical journey of yours once you step into the cemetery of your own life...
As the tomb of your body carve a name on your headstone...
and the memory of your love ones lingers onto your hearings...
noted this....
Those creature never wave their hands to praise a deed...
knor hide the prisoner to conceal a shame in greed...
An honest living that spreading the joy of their freedom...
Only to those whom seems fit...
But always beware on the closing edges of the night....
as the creature lurks to seek for the broken heart-ed....
whom once tasted life but forgotten its worth...
Shall then the creature cries for self pity...as the night goes by...
Another soul shall lost in his own world...
Begging for a mercy from the God himself...
Folded his eyes but open his heart...
To those creature of the night....
Humble to pry but not held high for glory...
As their reason is simple...
Whispering the potion of words to those wanderer of dreamers...
To knot their heart as tight as they could...
To death do them apart...and the breathing stops only the closure worthy of receiving...
Shall they not fade in time...
As the night goes by...there will always be...
The night whisperer...

~This is what I do when I can't go to sleep....~ :-p