The Third Wheel...!!!

The Zombie In Flesh...!!!
I guess most of us have been in this sort of situation right? when you really like someone, and you try hard as hell to win her/his heart, but in the end, he/she just went with someone else...and the silly part is, that person has done nothing to deserve her/his love....nothing...!!!!
Some people call it chemistry...some call it love at first sight...but how do you justify those whom struggling day and night to deserve those love from you? how would you compensate them? by saying hurtful stuff like "we can just be friends..." are you kidding me? Will you settle with that if you are in their shoes? certainly not wouldn't you? :-(
I know exactly how it feels...because I've been there a couples of times already...the feeling of not knowing where this relationship is going keeps on bugging you day and night...and consistently you keep asking yourself "What if...." is not a good thing...trust me...!!!
Sad...every time i think about the last time...when I was in that place where the sky seems dark and your emotions are not always neutral...the anger when she is being with other guys...every time she picks up a phone from that someone that you don't  know and laugh casually....when she constantly texting even when you are in front of her...it hurts...because then you know that you are not the one she looking forward to meet when you met...and you are not the person she eager to be with when you sits next too....but since you felt that your love is real...and you felt that when she is in a trouble she will realize that you are always be there when she needed you the most (like in the movies) you still be there...to comfort her when she felt like she needed someone...but in the end, she goes to another person which she think is her second best choice...and only then you realize that you have no chance from her long list of choices...I laughed more than I should inside when that happen...and you know what? It sucks....it really does...!!!

The Friend-zone Fright...!!!
Since I've been in those situation more than once, I decided to not make the first move to anyone...because my heart has suffered more than it should and someone need to compensate for it...someone that really deserve it...
I remember this one time when I'm at this party, and I've met this really cute girl...and from afar I try to see whether she comes with anyone (or partner) or not...when I notice that she comes there with her girlfriends, I felt relief and I start walking my way to meet her at close...suddenly she picks up her phone and start to smile and then she went to the corner to have that phone call...I just divert myself from her and go straight to elsewhere....I was like "that maybe he family....or maybe her boyfriend..." and this kind of feeling really hurt because you're not even at the introductory phase yet, but you seems to demotivated yourself and have this doubts all over your head....at least I don't see any rings on her finger...(but nowadays girl really like to wear rings...so it make me harder to determine it...) hahaha
I blame my personality for not being too easy going since the first time I've been in the train-wreck because if I did, I wont be as pathetic as I'm now...!!! Gosh...do anyone have drugs for this sort of stuff? Have anyone invented some sort of pills that could make you be brave and all casual when you are getting to know a girl? because I would really need to use some...

Hope It Will End Soon...!!!
Well, the third wheel is use to train you when you ride the bicycle for the first time right? So i guess someday I will be brave enough to pull off that third wheel and ride on only two wheels...just me and her...to somewhere new...somewhere only we know...without any of those additional or spare wheels holding us back...just swarm all over the places...feel the breeze...savor the moment..wont you agree?
There are saying that says, "We love the ones that hate us...hate the one that love us...leaves the one that stays...and stays with someone whom will leaves us...:" Ironic doesn't it?
The heart is really fascinating thing to explore...and I'm grateful actually for the pain I've suffered before because It has teaches me a lot of things that I wouldn't dream I knew if it weren't because of it...the pain is real, but it only makes me stronger...and wiser...just can't wait to be with that someone special...just imagine a world of fun when we are together someday...someday seems quite a long shot...but I'll take it :-)

The Lesson Learned From The Dining Table...!!!

Have You Ever Be At The Dining Table?
I'm not mentioning those everyday dining table that we use to dine...but more or less those dining hall which you have those full course meal...complete with a dedicated waiter or waitress...been greet with a big smile across the hall...been presented with a thick-but-thin menu...have a dress-codes before entering...been surrounded by many wealthy people that can afford to have this expensive experience on their daily basis...have you?
To have a single plate of meal that could cover up almost half of an ordinary person's paychecks...to sip a glass of red-wine that have a vintage for over a decade (which cost a fortune to get your hands onto)...to eat slowly, just so you could feel and experience every details of the taste of the plates...to have ethics for dine...to give tips upon paying...all of those irregular activities just so you can eat...have you?
Personally for me, eating is not the issue here at the dining table...more or less, the experience counts...the way you serve the cuisines...the type of food cooked...the selection of alcohol beverages...the brands that been served....the chef's reputations...the people that comes to dine there...this is the real deal of a dining table at one restaurant....not so much of the rest logical topics which "us" ordinary people been thinking...
I used to think that with that much money thrown could feed the whole village...the portion must be significantly huge...but i guess I was wrong..totally wrong...haha Because the portion presented are like those "canope" sized which i could easily finish it in one bite...which really not serving my needs for a barbarian-like eating cuisines....the ethics are one to die for (literally) hahaha the way you choose your spoons and forks...the sequences must be correct...if not the person next to you will be like "these people have not manner and knowledge at the dining table..." which could give me some stressful cliche'.

The Arrogant Province...!!!
I've been a part time waiter for some time now....and what I can experience during my serving are just rich with rich people arrogance and prideful needs...not many gives you a "humble" stare every time you take their order at their table...
"This is rubbish...", "Are you stupid...", and not to mention those long lingering stare of hatred as if you've "disgusts " them so badly....haha I was talking to my mind at one time "how on earth makes you this arrogant?" Is it because you have money? or is it because you are really particular about those small details which makes you felt that it does not worth your money? If you ask me, you should spend your money on other stuff instead of dining at this expensive places...would you agree?
I mean, most of my customer have a monthly salary that worth a year of ordinary working people...so just imagine the "characteristic richie rich" that I need to dealt with every single day....the tantrum are seriously terrifying....hahaha
But all in all, it was a good experience for me since I can get a chance to see how those "exclusive" type in action...not all are bad....some does give me a warm gesture...advice in life...some even trust me enough to tell their whole family tree and their life back at home (which I was really blessed to hear)...not to mention those whom give me "the look" since I address him as "Sir" instead of "Dato" or "Dato Sri"....you are always in my debt...literally...hahaha

I Want To Be There Someday...!!!
Despite of me spitting out anger and hatred to those rich people for their prideful gesture, I've instill a wish and notion within me that "I will be like them someday....I really want to..." Not as arrogant and bitchiness clogs, but to be able to experience the world at its best....to have the ability to afford anything...to go places...and experience everything that the world could offer...
Slowly those respect turns into a wishing flames...and hopefully this flames could burn my motivation continuously until the end...driving a Ferrari might not be a bad idea after all...would you agree? Hahahaha
But I promise to myself that If I ever able to reach those places...I will be hostile as I could be...because I know that if I don't, then I will only create another "me" in the future...don't get me wrong, i love myself...but to think that that person have to endure the pain that I felt...I'd rather let him be...and try to make his life as easy as it could...besides...his life is not stop at this platform only...because for me, this is just one of those transit point in life which I need to make before I could stretch my leg to another height...!!!

~Life goes on...life never dies...because human is just the thing that living the life...not the one whom create the life...~    

Footnotes To My Header...!!!

The Zig Zag Turnaround...!!!
People used to ask me "what you want to be when you grow up...?"...then the question got more specific as time goes by like "What you are doing right now...?" or "How many salary that you got...?"...i mean, since i was little, my family has given me the pleasure of "choosing" my own destiny...but as time crosses over, i can see that a lot of people are trying to influence my decision and wanna control my life....which is contradict with what I've been raised as...a lot of people with their own inhabitants and their problems tries to tell others "what to do" is quite funny (if you ask me)...because i know for the fact that all of us has our own issues to control...so it's better for us to focus on our own calamity instead of meddling with others affair...
Don't get me wrong...the reason of me writing this phrases is not because I despise them...looking at the bright side of this, those critics can be quite useful...if you know what to do with them of course... :-p Somehow, their existences has show me the way that I should look forward too...stuff like how you should behave...your cultural defects...and social traits can be easily highlighted once those people show you some eyebrows shades...haha
If you look at the fact that what you really want in life is not going to be such a good thing, then the next stage is to follow the other's steps...and usually it sucks because those bushes are flatten by those people that wanted to go to that direction, but once you follow their lead, the destination is not where you wanted yourself to be...what follows next are not happiness...but more like regrets and depressions...but life goes on...and you need to live with the path that you "decided" to choose...but for how long you wanted to keep on lying to yourself?

The Check And Balance...!!!
If you got a high-payed job, then you need to sacrifice your time and effort...but if you got a low basic salary, then you bargaining power is low as well which lessen your options in life...Some people want the best traits of both world...and it does not come easily...getting into business seems the only way out, but not many are willing to take the risk, plus the capital required are also hard to get...Getting a job which suited your preferences seems plausible, but how many actually have the opportunity to be in the lane which they wanted the most? Life does play tricks and it keeps on rolling the dice until you yourself decided to stop and stare at your own trails and say to yourself "this is going nowhere..."
Funny right? how you are told that life is full of wonders, but in the end, you are force to take the road that already taken and been praise by copying other people instead of being who you truly are...since i was a kid, my teacher told me that everyone is unique in their own way, but what she never tell me is that "people don't like other people that are different than them..." hence the race to be on top blinded many of us...in so many ways....sad isn't it?

The Lesson...!!!
Often people says that our young generation are the next to take over, and the truth is, will those veteran let us be? Words can easily compensate your judgment but often lies in the situation and reflection of the reaction towards anything that happen in front of us....the same goes to your surrounding and your judgment...i just hope that I can still be able to live in those fantasy world where good triumph and bad looses...everyone have enough to get by...no hunger or poverty...people always smile...and the happily ever after seems real enough to be trusted....
Choices is what we have...and its the only ticket that Allah gives as a blessing to us...so we need to cherish it and use it carefully...many will judge us...critically criticize us...but they will never able to cloud our decision if we do not let them to be inside our head...that's the reason I choose to stick with whatever strength that I have left to protect my salvation and faith...for my sake, and others that tag alongside with me...

~We are who we are...no one else similar to us...and us is not similar to them...~  

 

My Mom’s Chronicle: My Past Used To Be Simple…!!!

The Childhood…!!!

Days used to be simple…yes! We have less money back then, but the value were more compare to nowadays…we can buy a kilogram of fish with just five cents…and a complete meal with a cost of additional five more…my parents own a paddy field (everyone does)…and getting a bowl of rice is just a piece of cake…we got tons of rice for the whole village to feed...I still remember back in the days where the dry season is on, and the paddy field has ended (because the paddy only sprout once a year back then), we would build a small ranch nearby the paddy field and eat there….all of my siblings and nieces will bring their mom’s specialty and eat together there…sometimes my dad (my grandfather) would bring a cane and chase us all because we stay there too long and shout “have you forget the way back to your house…?” Hahaha

Every morning, we would get up as early as five in the morning and gathered at the well nearby…the water is cold as ice and it is pure and clean (which you can drink directly from the well itself)…If the drought season is around, the well would dried up, and everyone would go to the river-side and take a bath, clean our clothes, and play around…we were never scare during that time because almost all the river-side is packed with the villagers…and they are doing the same thing…

Your granddad is a policeman…and he is a well-respected person in the village (because people see policeman differently back in the days compare to nowadays)…and he got a handsome salary compare to other villagers (I think around RM 40 or so a month)…even though the value is not that much now, but back then, that figure can feed the whole family, plus he can still save half of them each month…

How I wish those time to never end…!!!

I’m A Little Bit Badass Myself…!!!

I must admit, I’m a little bit boyish back then…climbing trees…swimming in the river…collecting fruit in the jungle…were my pricks and parcel back then…even my brothers are not as active as me…I remember this one time when I was little, and I saw all my siblings and nieces were heavenly swimming at the river-side…for some reason I take my dad’s clothes and wear them (as If I were him)…and then I walk towards those pricks…suddenly one of them shout “Pak Hamid Dah mai Oiiii…Lariiii…!!!) hahaha All of them run like crazy and when they realize that I were the one whom act like my dad, they would chase me back (but no one dares to hit me…)hahaha

Going to school is more fun back then…even though the school is quite far, but we were happily walk there by ourselves…sometimes you granddad would sent us using his bicycle (this is considered as rich during those times)…and everyone would awe us…your aunt zaitun would sit at the front, your aunt zahara would sit at the back, and me would sit at the middle…we were like those circus clown on a bicycle…

Things That I’ve Learned…!!!

From this conversation with my mom, I’ve learned a lot about my family history…plus my dad’s…since both of my parent comes from a same clan (Both of my parents are from the “Wan” clan), means that their storyline is not that far off…I just realize that Wan Mat Saman is my ancestor…I mean, I only know him from the history book for digging a river across Kedah to enable everyone to stock their water drainage for agriculture purposes…I just know that Wan Sulaiman is my great grandfather (from my dad’s bloodline)…she told me that he is the first Kedah’s Mufti…and has serve the palace for quite some time…I just know that my great grandfather Wan An’ (from my Mom’s side) is a village chief during the Japanese raid in Malaya before the independence day…and my mom said that he is big…and his size is just like those Englishman that first came to our country…(big and tall)…haha

Hearing these story makes me feel glad that I’m a part of them…listening to my mom’s story make me realize how proud she is being one of the members too…those people has done a lot of good deeds and were praise by many during their time…so it occurs to me that I need to do something of my own to balance the trade J

Just Imagine that one fine day you are a nobody, but suddenly the next day people tell you this big and amazing tale of your bloodline which make you felt that “I need to be somebody too…” Haha I know that for some people this statement could be considered as a brag…(but that is what I was aiming too exactly)… but I don’t care…I want to brag…because at least once in my life, I have a chance too…

~My Family Are Awesome~

My Mom’s Chronicle: The Imperfect Perfection…!!!

The Build Up…!!!

I was back at my home town and were looking forward for a dine with my mom…she’s been waiting for me for quite some time now…I arrive quite early considering the traffic condition during this festive season…once arrive, my mom is not around (because she was out buying some groceries) and it left me with my aunt and my sister…we talk…have a laugh…then a few hours later my mom arrive home with groceries bag…I hug her…kiss her…and hug her again as if we were years apart…it was a bit emotional for me because I haven’t have the chance to hug her for quite a while…

We talk for hours at the dinner table…telling how much stuff has happen during this separation period and laugh about my mom’s teeth (she just pull off her front-end teeth which make her look older then she should have)…hahaha :-p From her eyes I can see that she’s really looking forward to see me…and for me, the things that I dream about is coming to live now…the conversation seems endless for some reasons…I think either both of us did not want the conversation to end since we know that it’s hardly to get a chance like this that often…

The Untold Love Stories…!!!

It started with my sister’s crush stories which lead to my mom’s love story with my dad…I don’t know how it started (because we are so occupied with my sister’s crush) but since the truth has come out, then we might as well just listen to what my moms’ wanted to say…

“He is not perfect….no one told me about his attitude…his bad habits…his gambling problem…no one did…but I accepted him because it was fated…” That is her first statement…and she further explain that during her younger days, life is just a wonderful feeling…she take care of her mom…her siblings…her nieces…even though the standard of living is not that permissive, but she’s glad that with all her limitations, she still be able to provide such a contribution towards her family…

“Being single is just heaven…I feel free up until the age of 27…I travel here and there…seeing the world…working…but everything must have some stopping point where I need to start to think about my future…as a wife….” Taking care of her nieces is not enough anymore, when she started to crave for her own children…and with some luck from my aunt’s, she has been married to my dad (through an arrange-marriage)…At first, she is reluctant to accept the offer since my dad is not as attractive as “Shah Rukh Khan” with his belly stuck out…and his skin is a bit dark…haha But considering her age and her lack in social life, she accepted the offer and embrace herself with any obstacle that comes into her life after the marriage…and it did happen…

She pointed out that her life is not as what she expected them to be, the countless debt is just a scary things to experience (which I did somehow experience this during my childhood days…It was awful)…but she keeps on setting her mind positive and always hope that there will be some miracle after all of this drought passes…the gambling issue is the result of his friends…he have some bad acquaintances during his time and it dragged up until his after-marriage life…and it is something that my mom need to bear until a certain period of time…plus his addiction to smoking is also something that could not been taken lightly since it has causes my family quite a debt (this is why I hate smokers)…

But I was happy when you (me) first come into the picture…then your sister…and then your youngest sister…it seems like the entire burden faded and life just got better afterwards….

Despite Of All The Bad Things, He Is A Good Person…!!!

“I always love him…until now…even though he is like that, but he never neglect his family…even though we are highly in debt, but we never felt hunger…not even a single time in our life….He is a good man…He is my husband…”  She quoted that he also suffers from depression…and his life is not what everyone sees…he struggling to provide for his family…day and night without complaining…even though the world is against him, but he still walk tall and work his butt off to ensure that all of us have enough food to eat…enough clothes to wear…and enough money to survive the day-to-day life…

Personally, my dad is my greatest enemy because he never change…he always say negative words to me despite all the effort….but on the other hand, he is my hero…because despite his health condition, and his limitations, he never give up…he always give me a chance to explore myself (even though in the end he will ratchet me with his negative encouragements)…and he is an ideal icon as a husband despite his smoking problems and gambling issues….He showed me what it’s like to be such a person and from there, he made me realize how important for a man to be a man of the family despite your condition…because whatever the things that you've done to yourself is yours’ to bear…but never put the baggage to those whom matters the most, because they worth more than that…

~I love you mom and dad…You’ll always be my inspiration…~

The New Beginning...Again...!!!

This is life...!!!
Whenever you felt down...scared...demotivated...relentless...always remember that you have a "choice" to make...and that choice can either save you...or destroys you...I believe that in life, exist a "refresh button" somewhere...and it's up to you whether you want to press it or not...a lot of people (especially those whom lived before me) said that you only have one decision in life, but i really beg the differ...why must you only scope yourself into one simple solution whilst the answer comes in many forms and sizes...? Creation of this figures might resulted one emotions to blend with the tide and only hopes that the odds are moving towards their direction...which is not entirely true the whole time...
For many times I think to myself that the world is more than what meet the eyes...but if the heart is blinded by the sorrowful facts of those shadows, then the naked eyes will never see the truth even if you beg for it...Is is sad to think that most of us is crying over something which is not matters and laugh at the things which did...in the end, the last laugh shall be on the lips of those whom "notice"...so which side are you on?


New Chapter In My Life...!!!
I have open up a new chapter in my book recently, and strive to seek for more challenges in the deep sea...even though the decision has come with a heavy heart, but there are times when you need to make such decision in life right? The mix feeling does have its turns...and to be honest, I do felt a little bit scared of this development...but if I stop and stare at the road taken, it seems that the journey has not diverted that much yet...but who know what will happen along the way...The jitters seems to give me goosebumps and the chills stops me to breath a couple of times...so i guess it is a sign that I have made one of those "big-life decision" which may effect my life in the long run...
Coming to the end is not what I was hoping for...and as I enter the next door, the breeze slowly capture my skins and the lovely sounds starts to go loud...but should I open it? If I did, Should I step in?

The Sirens Whisper...!!!
A lot of people do try to influence me to take a certain "precautions" and the vibes does felt deeper when the group are among your closest...however it seems that my heart already have made up his mind and guided me to take the canal rather than the those high-roads...why?
Why does my heart did not allow me to be like them? talk like them? think like them? this does horn me with doubts and clearly the answer is not going to be serve in a silver platen...but one thing for sure is that I never felt scared to go against the tide...it seems that my faith in myself does proven to built me a shield which strong enough to protect me when the situation demanded it the most...At least I'm not scared..not scared at all :-)

~The broth of success is a mix of multiple small achievements~ 

The Fateful Stranger Within...!!!

I'm Lost...Again...!!!
For some reason, i felt lost and hopeless again...being in the midst of transition does torn me up pretty badly this time...not just the normal ripping, but i think the damage has incurred more than what I've bargained for...all my juice simply dried up and my motivation has faded away...Gosh, what a tremendous figures to tell right? My life were a mess and the stress level has burst to the top of the roof...i just don't know what to do...and what to think...i just live my life...nothing more, and nothing less....
This is not what I wanted in life, and yet this is the only option that I have left...I envy those whom already in their comfort seats and living their dreams because that is the only thing that is missing inside me right now...crying helps sometimes, but it is just something that is not cool for someone at my age to carelessly do...plus telling stories to other also not getting me anywhere...at least to that special calmness place of my heart...Everyday is a nightmare...and I don't really know how many million times I kept telling myself those positive stuff, but it seems not gonna cut it this time...
What to expect...what to uphold...and how to react, is the pry of my mind currently, and thinking about my family and their hopes towards me add another extra weight into my baggage...and my luggage has become more that what i can carry...

Who Am I...?
I start to question back to myself of my self belief...and its relevant towards my predicament right now...and the answer comes close to nothing...it was like I'm a whole new person and the previous me just waived...without a trace...Tracking back of all those memories seems hard due to my lack of motivation, and it drives me crazy almost everyday...
"What do I really wanted in life..?" is what I kept on asking myself...nothing can compared to a soul with no direction...I felt like a ghost that wondering around without a clue...and no one is there to give the answer that I need...
I guess the impact has effected me more than I imagine..trust me, if you are playing with fire, you'll get burn...and in my case, the pain is just unbearable...

Respect To Those Survivors...!!!
I have found another respect to those people whom survive this transitions which I'm having a hard time dealing with right now

...It is not easy to deal with your predicament when the weight is put solely onto your shoulder without any damper...and the best part of it all is, due to your pride, sharing is not something that is in the picture...not even something to be discuss with...so you just keep everything inside and tell others what they wanted to hear instead of telling them the truth...
I just wish that this dry-season will be over soon because who knows what will happen next...I guess when it comes to your turn to take the weight onto your shoulder, your mouth suddenly shut off immediately because the pain is so unspeakable which no words can describe or calm you down...