NO ONE WANTED TO LISTEN TO MY STORY?

The Old Days...!!!

I used to be an outcast in conversations...always the last one picked...no one really wanted to speak to me...that's why every time i go to any functions, i'd prefer to sit at the corners..hoping that someone would come and talk to me (since i'm too shy to start any sort of topic with anyone)...I would smile awkwardly...talk in weird pitch...stare to tensely at people when speaking (because i'm an idiot thinking that those were the

definition of "paying attention") and of course this were one of the obvious reason why i not that popular among girls...
But during those time...i was happy...i mean, i was an outcast...but i was happy...everyday i can smile earnestly...i can walk freely knowing that no one would bother to say "hi" or "hello" to me...never care whether i'd bump into classmates and having those "short-sighted" conversation where both of the person acted like they are in such a hurry - but actually aren't...I can enjoy my walk...and i can be as invisible as long as i wanted too...because truthfully, no one cared about me...no one...
Then things started to change...people start to noticing my presence...voices comes from every direction asking for "this" and "that"...questions after questions starts to flooded inn...and before i know it, i've become this popular guy with people lining up just to have time and book me for conversation...trust me, the numbers are massive...one by one people comes and go...speaking their heart content...telling me about all sort of stuff which i didn't even ask...asking me opinions and how to deal with their situations - normally i just use logic (and thank god my logic works 80% of the time) Hahaha
It was crazy...i think it has to be one of those "answered prayer" that i did way back then...because there is this one handsome guy which always be the center of everyone during my "hey day"...and everyday people would come and meet him..asking him stuff...hang out with him...treat him food - this is where i think to myself, "I really wanted to be like him..." So stupidly, i did this pray..and ask God to let me be like him...to be that handsome guy..in those center of attention...and be this wonderful person where everyone looked up too...and surprisingly, among millions of my prayer (including those stupid ones like wanting a space jet), this one is granted...excessively...!!!


I'm Not Complaining...!!!

Don't get me wrong...this is not a complaint about how much i regret what God has granted me...but more or less just to highlight that this prayer have a flaw which i don't think through before making them...those flaw were not as what it seems...because when i pray for people to come and speak to me...swarming me with all their questions - and me answering them make me look smart, treating me well and take me to places...I forgot that i myself also have a story to tell...i mean, after listening to thousands of people's stories, of course you have your own version to tell...am i right? but to whom do i tell mine? From years of doing this, i started to realize that a person such as (what I pray myself to be) is really hard to find...it's like we are some sort of an endangered species...and i am stupid enough to throw myself into this bottomless pit...-such a wise guy i am..right?
But seriously, where the heck is that "person" where i should tell my story too? Does God already stop this type of production or something? because i could really use some ears right now...only God knows how much pain that i felt pressing all of this within...with no one to speak too...because no one really cares about my side of the story...
Everyday i put a big smile...put up a good attitude...i speak nicely to people whom do not even have decencies to speak nicely back to me...i always tell myself that this is how things should be...this is how a person with a big heart should plunger...but the truth is, i never wanted myself to be in this state...i want to talk those things that i want to talk about...i want to tell someone how my day was...and how awful it is to be "me" right now...i want "that person" to know that i cried so many times...more than i should before...i always think about other people's problem, but not even once i looked at mine...for me, my problem is small compared to them...but honestly, everyone's problem is a big problem for themselves...it is just i'm too blind to see mine...


Who Can Help Me?

Do you know those metaphor where people say that you are in this dark pitch black hole when you are alone? and in those darkness, you can only hear voices echoing (if you are lucky) telling you to go to the light...well, i think i'm still in those holes...i still stuck in those darkness of mine with no one to drag me out of it...no one really wants to listen to what my heart wanted to say...they just so selfish to only think about themselves...but what about me? seriously...what about me?
A good friend of mine once told me that "i am special"...he tell me that in many years of befriending a lot of people, i'm tend to be his favorite...he told me that i really and honestly listened to what peoples been telling me...and he really appreciate that a lot...but then he also tell me that i will have a huge problem in the future if i keep on continuing to be people's redemption's wall...and now i know why he said that...only now i understand the reasons behind his speech...and God how painful this feeling is right now...
Now i just wish that someone...i don't know who..but i really prayed that someone will make the same wish that i did...and for some reason destined to visit me at someplace...where i can tell that person all my stories endlessly...every detail...every line of the scrap books...i want to show that person all the memories that i kept...the good...the bad...i want to expose everything...there are so many things to share...so many truth to be told...too may tears to be shed...too many heartbroken to be unraveled...then i want to cry so bad until i fall asleep...and if that sleep is my last sleep on earth, then i'll died as a happy being...knowing that i have done my part in this world...and finally able to tell someone my story...

~I'm A Writer Without A Pen~

TURNING 30...!!!

Understanding About Life...?
Now it seems that life works quite the opposite of what I used to think it would be...seeing countless people in various environment makes me understand how people actually react towards life...and how the challenges on each of us changed who we are...now i truly understand the meaning of "the only thing that does not change in life is changes itself.." we will experience "change" whether we like it or not, and we will grow whether we realize it or not...its a matter of acceptance and acknowledging the "facts" which depict and differentiate us between each other...
For the surreal experience which I've learned throughout this journey so far is there are no fast-track towards achieving big dreams...and if you achieve it easily means that your dream is not big enough (or at least not as big as what you thought it would be)...So far I've cried and laughed at myself for not seeing the true face of the world I lived inn...and how blinded I am till recently...and the best part has yet to come...what about my love life? what about my dream and goals? what about my family? what about my friends? what about them all? - if this is an episodes in Netflix then I'm pretty sure it will have at least 50 seasons more to come...Hahahaha

Chess Play...!!!
It seems that my strategy has yet show its true forms...somewhere along the line, all my dotted are aligned but not able to connect towards each other...perhaps due to my lack of determination? or maybe its my endurance? One by one my chess pieces has been sacrificed for the sole purpose of my future endeavor, but my "King & Queens" have yet able to move...there are lots and lots of pieces to move around...so many positions to configure...so many move yet to be tried...or should I just start moving my trump card? Castling my Rock? Shift my Bishops? or just focus on letting Pawn to take the lead as usual? Gosh...the irony of being underhand am I right?
Sometimes I wish that I can just casually walk without thinking...but most of the time when I tried to do that, other people will come and act as my "brain" for me...So many people claims that they can give me this and that...not forgetting those whom confidently probes that they know "myself" better than me - this might sounded like my ego talking but there is a fine line between egoistic and being prideful of your own achievement...
My late-father once told me that "for whatever thing that you do..do it with your full heart...people will talk about you whether you win or loose, so never take their words which they claimed defined who you are..." Remembering these words make me realized that I might understand why my chess piece haven't moved as planned...perhaps I let those thoughts get into my head...I easily let those people moved my focus and take advantage of my abilities - not saying that I have much though...

Act Your Age...!!!
Few people used to told me about how people should act their age as they grew older...some part of it I can understand...but overall of the concept failed to stay long....I just don't get why must we all be the same? why must we act the same? do the same thing? I mean, this is what the public expect right? but why must I condone to such bias-try and prejudice? I always love to see older people enjoying their time to the fullest - doing good or bad because for my own opinion, they just living their life as what God intended them to be...so God blessed them for those....
 Reaching to this stage makes me more open towards more possibilities in life...i mean, i just turned 30, but somehow I felt that there are more stuff to learn...and more thing to explore...(plus my hair is turning grey more than before...dayumnnn) and I think I'm getting better at seeing things in front of me...I'm becoming less judgmental...I love to see through things till the end instead of jumping into conclusion in the middle...and my tolerance level has increase from time to time...so its a good thing right?
Even though my age does pull some breaks on certain thing, but there are more options left unexplored....so I don't think that I'm loosing anything, more or less, i think I've been giving a chance to explore more about myself...and from there, I think I can conclude who I am and what am I suppose to do in this world...as a son & as a man...hopefully this new chapter brings me to a new height...a new possibilities...and a new light...people say that the grass is greener at the other side of the fence, but in my case, its a sliding door which i can choose to either open, or stay close...fingers cross...!!!!

~Changes in a man can turn into either good or bad depending on your result facing your challenges in life...but whatever the result is, its never meant to be fix...and it can be change...so always believe in yourself..because no one else will~