The Old Days...!!!
I used to be an outcast in conversations...always the last one picked...no one really wanted to speak to me...that's why every time i go to any functions, i'd prefer to sit at the corners..hoping that someone would come and talk to me (since i'm too shy to start any sort of topic with anyone)...I would smile awkwardly...talk in weird pitch...stare to tensely at people when speaking (because i'm an idiot thinking that those were the
definition of "paying attention") and of course this were one of the obvious reason why i not that popular among girls...
But during those time...i was happy...i mean, i was an outcast...but i was happy...everyday i can smile earnestly...i can walk freely knowing that no one would bother to say "hi" or "hello" to me...never care whether i'd bump into classmates and having those "short-sighted" conversation where both of the person acted like they are in such a hurry - but actually aren't...I can enjoy my walk...and i can be as invisible as long as i wanted too...because truthfully, no one cared about me...no one...
Then things started to change...people start to noticing my presence...voices comes from every direction asking for "this" and "that"...questions after questions starts to flooded inn...and before i know it, i've become this popular guy with people lining up just to have time and book me for conversation...trust me, the numbers are massive...one by one people comes and go...speaking their heart content...telling me about all sort of stuff which i didn't even ask...asking me opinions and how to deal with their situations - normally i just use logic (and thank god my logic works 80% of the time) Hahaha
It was crazy...i think it has to be one of those "answered prayer" that i did way back then...because there is this one handsome guy which always be the center of everyone during my "hey day"...and everyday people would come and meet him..asking him stuff...hang out with him...treat him food - this is where i think to myself, "I really wanted to be like him..." So stupidly, i did this pray..and ask God to let me be like him...to be that handsome guy..in those center of attention...and be this wonderful person where everyone looked up too...and surprisingly, among millions of my prayer (including those stupid ones like wanting a space jet), this one is granted...excessively...!!!
I'm Not Complaining...!!!
Don't get me wrong...this is not a complaint about how much i regret what God has granted me...but more or less just to highlight that this prayer have a flaw which i don't think through before making them...those flaw were not as what it seems...because when i pray for people to come and speak to me...swarming me with all their questions - and me answering them make me look smart, treating me well and take me to places...I forgot that i myself also have a story to tell...i mean, after listening to thousands of people's stories, of course you have your own version to tell...am i right? but to whom do i tell mine? From years of doing this, i started to realize that a person such as (what I pray myself to be) is really hard to find...it's like we are some sort of an endangered species...and i am stupid enough to throw myself into this bottomless pit...-such a wise guy i am..right?
But seriously, where the heck is that "person" where i should tell my story too? Does God already stop this type of production or something? because i could really use some ears right now...only God knows how much pain that i felt pressing all of this within...with no one to speak too...because no one really cares about my side of the story...
Everyday i put a big smile...put up a good attitude...i speak nicely to people whom do not even have decencies to speak nicely back to me...i always tell myself that this is how things should be...this is how a person with a big heart should plunger...but the truth is, i never wanted myself to be in this state...i want to talk those things that i want to talk about...i want to tell someone how my day was...and how awful it is to be "me" right now...i want "that person" to know that i cried so many times...more than i should before...i always think about other people's problem, but not even once i looked at mine...for me, my problem is small compared to them...but honestly, everyone's problem is a big problem for themselves...it is just i'm too blind to see mine...
Who Can Help Me?
Do you know those metaphor where people say that you are in this dark pitch black hole when you are alone? and in those darkness, you can only hear voices echoing (if you are lucky) telling you to go to the light...well, i think i'm still in those holes...i still stuck in those darkness of mine with no one to drag me out of it...no one really wants to listen to what my heart wanted to say...they just so selfish to only think about themselves...but what about me? seriously...what about me?
A good friend of mine once told me that "i am special"...he tell me that in many years of befriending a lot of people, i'm tend to be his favorite...he told me that i really and honestly listened to what peoples been telling me...and he really appreciate that a lot...but then he also tell me that i will have a huge problem in the future if i keep on continuing to be people's redemption's wall...and now i know why he said that...only now i understand the reasons behind his speech...and God how painful this feeling is right now...
Now i just wish that someone...i don't know who..but i really prayed that someone will make the same wish that i did...and for some reason destined to visit me at someplace...where i can tell that person all my stories endlessly...every detail...every line of the scrap books...i want to show that person all the memories that i kept...the good...the bad...i want to expose everything...there are so many things to share...so many truth to be told...too may tears to be shed...too many heartbroken to be unraveled...then i want to cry so bad until i fall asleep...and if that sleep is my last sleep on earth, then i'll died as a happy being...knowing that i have done my part in this world...and finally able to tell someone my story...
I used to be an outcast in conversations...always the last one picked...no one really wanted to speak to me...that's why every time i go to any functions, i'd prefer to sit at the corners..hoping that someone would come and talk to me (since i'm too shy to start any sort of topic with anyone)...I would smile awkwardly...talk in weird pitch...stare to tensely at people when speaking (because i'm an idiot thinking that those were the
definition of "paying attention") and of course this were one of the obvious reason why i not that popular among girls...
But during those time...i was happy...i mean, i was an outcast...but i was happy...everyday i can smile earnestly...i can walk freely knowing that no one would bother to say "hi" or "hello" to me...never care whether i'd bump into classmates and having those "short-sighted" conversation where both of the person acted like they are in such a hurry - but actually aren't...I can enjoy my walk...and i can be as invisible as long as i wanted too...because truthfully, no one cared about me...no one...
Then things started to change...people start to noticing my presence...voices comes from every direction asking for "this" and "that"...questions after questions starts to flooded inn...and before i know it, i've become this popular guy with people lining up just to have time and book me for conversation...trust me, the numbers are massive...one by one people comes and go...speaking their heart content...telling me about all sort of stuff which i didn't even ask...asking me opinions and how to deal with their situations - normally i just use logic (and thank god my logic works 80% of the time) Hahaha
It was crazy...i think it has to be one of those "answered prayer" that i did way back then...because there is this one handsome guy which always be the center of everyone during my "hey day"...and everyday people would come and meet him..asking him stuff...hang out with him...treat him food - this is where i think to myself, "I really wanted to be like him..." So stupidly, i did this pray..and ask God to let me be like him...to be that handsome guy..in those center of attention...and be this wonderful person where everyone looked up too...and surprisingly, among millions of my prayer (including those stupid ones like wanting a space jet), this one is granted...excessively...!!!
I'm Not Complaining...!!!
Don't get me wrong...this is not a complaint about how much i regret what God has granted me...but more or less just to highlight that this prayer have a flaw which i don't think through before making them...those flaw were not as what it seems...because when i pray for people to come and speak to me...swarming me with all their questions - and me answering them make me look smart, treating me well and take me to places...I forgot that i myself also have a story to tell...i mean, after listening to thousands of people's stories, of course you have your own version to tell...am i right? but to whom do i tell mine? From years of doing this, i started to realize that a person such as (what I pray myself to be) is really hard to find...it's like we are some sort of an endangered species...and i am stupid enough to throw myself into this bottomless pit...-such a wise guy i am..right?
But seriously, where the heck is that "person" where i should tell my story too? Does God already stop this type of production or something? because i could really use some ears right now...only God knows how much pain that i felt pressing all of this within...with no one to speak too...because no one really cares about my side of the story...Everyday i put a big smile...put up a good attitude...i speak nicely to people whom do not even have decencies to speak nicely back to me...i always tell myself that this is how things should be...this is how a person with a big heart should plunger...but the truth is, i never wanted myself to be in this state...i want to talk those things that i want to talk about...i want to tell someone how my day was...and how awful it is to be "me" right now...i want "that person" to know that i cried so many times...more than i should before...i always think about other people's problem, but not even once i looked at mine...for me, my problem is small compared to them...but honestly, everyone's problem is a big problem for themselves...it is just i'm too blind to see mine...
Who Can Help Me?
Do you know those metaphor where people say that you are in this dark pitch black hole when you are alone? and in those darkness, you can only hear voices echoing (if you are lucky) telling you to go to the light...well, i think i'm still in those holes...i still stuck in those darkness of mine with no one to drag me out of it...no one really wants to listen to what my heart wanted to say...they just so selfish to only think about themselves...but what about me? seriously...what about me?
A good friend of mine once told me that "i am special"...he tell me that in many years of befriending a lot of people, i'm tend to be his favorite...he told me that i really and honestly listened to what peoples been telling me...and he really appreciate that a lot...but then he also tell me that i will have a huge problem in the future if i keep on continuing to be people's redemption's wall...and now i know why he said that...only now i understand the reasons behind his speech...and God how painful this feeling is right now...Now i just wish that someone...i don't know who..but i really prayed that someone will make the same wish that i did...and for some reason destined to visit me at someplace...where i can tell that person all my stories endlessly...every detail...every line of the scrap books...i want to show that person all the memories that i kept...the good...the bad...i want to expose everything...there are so many things to share...so many truth to be told...too may tears to be shed...too many heartbroken to be unraveled...then i want to cry so bad until i fall asleep...and if that sleep is my last sleep on earth, then i'll died as a happy being...knowing that i have done my part in this world...and finally able to tell someone my story...
~I'm A Writer Without A Pen~
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