Walking At The Past...Living At The Present...!!!

The Writings...!!!
You know what's happening to me recently...? Well, I've been browsing to some of my old files...and suddenly i stumble onto this one particular writings that i wrote a few years back...i don't think that it still exist in the first place considering how i wanted to forget about it before...
It's kind of a pain reminder of how i used to be in the past...and i think this is what struck me as a "the virgin of my self-belief" back in the days...back then, i was really started to get a hold of this "feeling" towards the opposite sex in which led me to my first "broken heart" scene...(not mention the next after that...haha )

What is it all about...?
Well, after i get "rejected" by my dream girl...i decided to write a diary about what i've felt (but it turns out to be more like a novel instead..and i just get a long with it...)
But the funny things is...it never gets finish regardless of how many times i wanted to wrote it down...
I remember during that period..it takes me almost a month to wrote this ten (10) pages-or so of it and it hurts me more and more during those times...i don't know why..but in the end...i just give up and left it unfinished...
At those point in me..i felt that even though i wanted to frame those memories...my mind keeps telling me that my heart won't allow it and it weighing these hands that "writes"....and i believe there is this one point of it which led me to shed tears just thinking about the next paragraph...i don't know what's happen to me during those time..but i consider it a the darkest moment in my life...but thanks to those...i've learn a lot about what "loving" is all about (even though it is the hard way...)
So, i think i should share it with all of you since all my life stories is been led out for the whole world to see...so here it is.....

A STORY OF A BOY THAT LOVES A GIRL

PART 1

“THE BOY”

   Once upon a time, there is this fat Malay boy who never knew the world around him. He then walks into a place that is foreign and rural to him. He comes to that place to pursue his dream and to better understand about himself, something that he couldn’t do before. This boy knew that he will have a tough time to achieve that, but him willing to take those risks. So, he decided to enter this “council” because he beliefs that he can achieve his entire objective through it. But before he could enter those organizations, his been ask by the person in charge to take an oath that will change his entire life onwards. Those pledge included all sort of things like loyalty, sportsmanship, honor, and etc. And when everything is about to be done, the person ask one last question, and those question were “do you have any girlfriend?”…….

   So, without any sort of hesitation, the boy said “No..!” Then, the person asks the boy to take another oath that will be the boys curse for the next three years of his life in that place.  And those pledges were “I will not use this organization on my benefit either for my financial needs or for my sake of finding a person to love…..” It was an easy “said” at those moment because for the boy, who would want a fat boy like him as a boyfriend anyway…..It was a joke that wasn’t suppose to be overlooked by the boy and they laugh out through it……

   So, after that day, the boy started his everyday duty to serve the people around him. The boy became attached to that place, a place that has given him a new ground to stand and a new air to breathe. All of those people in that place were good to him, and most importantly they overlooked the boys’ appearances and believe in his talent.  It was really different than the boys’ previous life where people would laugh at him just because of his looks and physical. The boy could not get any opportunity just because of his god-given body. The boy always said to himself that “why am I the only one that has to get through this kind of life?” “Why people wouldn’t accept me as me?” Everyday is a curse for the boy, but now, in this place, it seems that everything is going according just like what the boy wanted all of his life.

   Everyday that once was a curse now turns to a blessing. The boy loves to see those smiling faces of the people in that place, sincere yet full of hope and dreams. “Is this your gift for all of my hardship? If it were, please don’t take this away from me, please….!”The boy prayed to God. Started from that day onwards, the boy make his own oath that he will never let goes of this kind of life, as long as he in that place.

   Day’s turns to weeks, and weeks turns to months. The boy lives the life that he always wanted and always thanks God for it. The boy now have friends that support him, telling him that he is worthy of something, make him feels like he is wanted there. It was a priceless gift that God has ever give the boy, and now the boy cherish all of those moment every single days of his life.

PART II

“THE GIRL”

   It has been six-month since the boy enter the place. It feels like he has another family aside from his own, a family that he always dreamt for. Everyone has been really nice to him, and that make the boy cherish them more and more. “I will protect all of you, I will always be there for you just like you’ve been there for me…!” The boy said to himself.

   Day by day, the boy continue to push himself to his limits, knowing that if he wanted to protect those who dear to him, he himself must be able to support them in any ways possible. So, he learns about each and everyone that in those places just so that he can better understand their feelings and thought. Some of them have family issues, some has friends problems, problems with their subject taken, and etc.  The boy can relate to almost those entire problem because most of those problem were actually his own enigma .But when this one person came forward and ask for the boy to hear about a problem occurring his girlfriend, the boy became blurt. He doesn’t know what to say or how to react. The boy became confuse and suddenly he feels something is missing in his heart. It was more like a hole that never been filled. It was a part of the boys heart that felt fragile and vulnerable. He just doesn’t know what to say, it seems that the person problem is really complicated. “What is wrong with me?” the boy said to himself. So that question is left with a question……and that question is left unanswered…..

   A few weeks later after that scene, the organization that the boy joined inn has invited some new members to fill in the group. Included in those junior was this Chinese girl, the girl that will make a huge difference in the boys’ life. The girl is the most beautiful person that the boy has ever seen. She looks like an angel and when she smiles, she looks so cute.

   But for the boy, he has sworn not to take advantages for his own benefits, “the girl is just like any other girl that I have meet, pretty, sweet-looking and have nice figure…yeah,I can deal with those!” the boy said to himself. So, the boy plays cool and tries to not be intimidated by the girls’ aura. Day by day, the boy and the girl work a long side each other in that organization. The feeling that at first blocked by responsibilities and commitment is now seems to take its turn.   The boys heart then start beating really fast every time the girl enters the room, suddenly the place that seems so wide becomes narrow and the air seems to disappear. “Why is it feel so hard to breath in here..?” the boy then watch the girl from the distance, and when the girl approach him, his tongue become numb and his heart stops for a few second. The pressure that the boy felt is really rare for him. “Why……?” Those were the question mark that the boy seems not to understand.

   Every time the girl sits next to the boy, he just couldn’t be himself. Every single thing that he does is not what he intended to do. The chair that at first felt really comfortable now becomes flaming hot. The boy started to ask himself “what is this feeling that I’ve been experiencing?”

“Is it LOVE….?”

PART III

“THE DENIAL”

   At first, the boy felt really attracted towards the girl, everything about the girl is perfect for the boy. The way she talks, walks……. “Perfect” that’s the only words that the boy could think off about the girl. “If only I could have her to be my girl…..wouldn’t it be nice…?”

   Then the boy started to day dreaming, and in those dreams, the boy and the girl was living happily together in a really big white house where there is a big and beautiful garden out side. And then there is this three little kids, a boy and two girl coming running around while playing their toys .Later on those kids approach the boy and then one of the girl said “daddy…daddy…look at this..! “ while holding a flower in her palms………….

   Those dreams always ended in that exact scene, and the children faces looks really real for the boy and the girl face looks like an angel……. Every time the boy has that dream, he will shred tears of joy and praying to God that if this is a sign, “please let it be true…….”

   Each day is a joy for the boy, seeing the girl face smiling and laughing cheerfully. Her silky hair that runs down to her shoulder, and her gentle body motion that tells the boy a thousand of words, a word that never could be describe by words itself.

   One day, the boy has decided to tell the girl about his feeling. Just when the boy about to tell the girl those three meaningful words, something struck him in his heart. “If I tell her, would she accept me?” the boy started to have doubts about his feeling. “I’m not suitable for her…look at her…she’s perfect… but I’m not!” “What am I been dreaming for? Is it obvious, a girl like her could never be with a guy like me…never...!” Then the boy looked at a mirror and sees himself standing in front, the boy stare at his own appearances for hours and hours, convincing his own pride that there is something that he can offer to the girl. But in the end, the boy couldn’t find any.

   “I’m a poor kid who has nothing to offer for the girl, what kind of a person am I to take those reckless decisions like that….!” “I have a sick father, a hardworking mother and two sisters that needed my support, I can’t afford to involve anyone into my life, not at this time….”

   So, the boy decided to throw away his feeling towards the girl, pretending that all of those memories of her are just a passer,” Nothing more, and nothing less…” Besides, if the boy continues his decisions about getting the girl, he will break his oath about seeing a girl inside the organization. The very same oath that the boy made in order to obtain the life that he always dreamt for all this time.

   “I don’t want to be the old me, not again…!”The boy said to himself. The faces of those people whom the boy cherishes so much in that place suddenly appeared in front of his eyes. Saying “please…. don‘t do it!” So, with a heavy heart, the boy turns down his own desire for the sake of others.

PART IV

“THE PAIN”

   Now it has been three months after the girl first came in to the organization, and that makes the boy has hold up his feeling towards the girl for that period of time also. Everyday that once seems like a blessing now turns into a nightmare for the boy. He is trying so hard to forget about the girl but it seems that he couldn’t do so. The girl has become someone that is so special to the boy. The more he tries to forget about her, the stronger that feeling gets. The boys become so confuse and felt really painful inside his heart. It’s like there is a hammer that hammering the boys heart every time he meet with the girl. “Why wouldn’t the pain in my chest stop?” It makes the boy wanted to cry out for help but his voice just wont came out.

   Inside the boy’s heart, there is this cold feeling of loneliness that seems unavoidable. It was like a cold winter where there is no light whatsoever, and the boy is left alone stranded in a middle of nowhere. Waiting….waiting for someone to hold his hand and guide him out of that loneliness. But no one helped him…..where is my friends? Where is my family? It seems like those people can’t help the boy to overcome this loneliness. The boy become so afraid of the dark that consume him, not knowing what danger lies ahead, the boy crawls slowly throughout the dark. Suddenly, he heard a voice laughing.           “I know this voice..!” The boy said to himself. But it seems too far away, out of the boys reach, and yet that voice makes a spark of light inside his cold and lonely heart.

   “I love her but I can’t have her…!” those were the phrase that’s been repeated over and over inside the boy’s heart. “Why do I have to deal with this..?” “Why can’t I reach her….?” “Why…?”

   The boy feels really painful inside his heart, then tears starts to pour…….”why do I cry…?” the boy’s heart becomes really fragile and sometimes it breaks. It was like his heart been torn out from his chest, and left him with only emptiness and hollowed space.

   Day after day, the boy suffers from this pain, and it became worst and worst every second he lays his eye towards the girl. He could only watch the girl from far. The girls smile, laughter, and the way she helps her friends……makes the boy feel that those day was really worth living, but in the same time the boy felt sorrow and sadness from his empty heart. That really makes the boy wanted to cry but he hold his tears and act natural in front all of his friends especially the girl.

   This was the boy’s first time experience with love, and the boy doesn’t understand anything about it. “Should I ask for someone’s help?” the boy asks himself. But if the boy asks for someone advice, the truth about him loving the girl would came out. He’s too afraid to let anyone to know his feeling because for the boy, if anyone knew, so will the girl. The boy afraid that if the girl knew that him loving her, the girl would remote herself from the boy.

   So, the boy decided to hold his feeling again. The boy just happy if he could see the girl faces everyday, looking innocent and sincere. And for that reason, the boy is willing to sacrifice his own feeling just so that everything could be normal like it supposes to be.

PART V

“THE ACT”

   After the boy makes the decision on letting go off the girl, he started to act cheerful in front of everyone.  Desperate to hide his feeling towards the girl, the boy tries to avoid any contact with her. The small talk and cheap jokes that once was the boys’ pendulum, now turns to strict conversation and important matters only. “No more play talks…!” said the boy to himself.

   Uncertain about his feeling that seems uncontrolled, the boy started to avoid the crowd. He became a loner, and always sits in the dark while watching the people from the distance. He feels very happy that everything is turning out the way it suppose to be, but deep inside the boy’s heart, he cannot hide his loneliness. The emptiness in his chest that once seems like a small hole now felt wider. The darkness inside the boy’s heart is eating him inside-out. The pain is getting in, but now it felt much more painful than the last time. “Please God, let this pain go away…..please..!”The boy prayed. “Please give me the strength to overcome this loneliness, because I don’t know how long I can bear this feeling…..”

   The boy knew that if he continues to hold up like this, it will bring more sadness to him. “What can I do? I love her, but I can’t be with her……” “I want to tell her how I felt, but I’m afraid of her answer…”

   In the very dept of the boys’ heart, he really wanted the girl to know how he feels about her, but he concern about how the girl will react. Every time the girl approaches him, the boy tries to run away. But, the more he run, the more he accouter with the girl. It was like the girl is everywhere, at everyplace the boys go. ”Is this fate….?”……..

   “Smile, smile……”That is what the boy always tell himself every time he meet with the girl. The phrase “How is it going?” or “What you’ve been doing?” seems flowing easily from the boys tongue, but it leave a really deep impact in him. The sadness that overflows inside the boys heart now consuming him slowly. Just by smiling back at the girl make the boy felt sorrow and lonely.

   “You deserve a better man than me…!” the boy whispered to himself. He knows that even if the girl wanted to be with him, what can he give back to the girl? How will the boy make the girl happy? Thinking about that fact really makes the boy felt down on him. “If only I have this…..and have that…maybe she would consider…….will she?”

   The boy laugh at his own fate, the fate that shows him the true reality of the world that his been living inn. The true nature of the era that’s been hiding it scent before, now seems to show its colour. “Green..!” that’s the colour of the world nowadays, the boy thinks to himself.

   “Maybe she isn’t somebody that cares about that sort of stuff?” the boy tries to defend his beliefs. But either way, she’s out of the boys reach.

   So, the boy continues to act like nothing is happened between him and the girl. He Believe that someday, this feeling will fade away, but the boy still hold on something that is invisible. He was “hoping”.

PART VI

“THE TRIP”

   Three months later, the place that holds the boy and the girl were having this big event where it congratulate new members that come from every single state of the country. So, the organization that the boy and the girl were signed up too is been hold responsible for that event. This makes things much harder for the boy because he is trying to forget about the girl nevertheless, he is trying to avoid her, “how can I do all those stuff if I’m going to be with her every time for the whole session?”

   The boy felt the pressure is getting far too deep inside his heart. “Why?” is the question that the boy always asks himself through and through. The boys’ heart is worn out by all of this. The boy then prays to God “please make me strong…..so I can get through with this…”

   It was a very painful period for the boy because aside from being cheerful, he has to overcome his feeling. “I mustn’t let the girl notice anything..!” Every step, every words and every fragment of the boys’ movement is carefully judged by him. “Be professionals..!” the boy said to himself. The boy knew that if....................

#well...it ends here...i don't know whether somewhere near the future i will finish this novel of mine or not..but i just have a hitch that someday i will....i guess in the end, there is something that happens in my life that my heart just not willing to let go just yet...i don't know when will this "feelings" wash away..but i just know that when it does...i am happy with someone that is really special... :-)