Between Paranoia and Stupidity…!!!

Where Did I Do Wrong…?

I just need to define this actions of mine whilst considering the effect of it towards my life onwards…It’s devastating to be put in between “letting go” of something firm and concrete to grasp this blurred truth of my destiny…I know that most of us have this side-effect of “knowing too much” and due to that, we tend to keep on hoping for other windows of opportunity to come and knocking on our doors…but let’s face it…sometimes we need to “choose” what’s rolling in front of us…even though that might not be what we wanted in life…but at least it’s what has been given by “Him” to us at the moment….

Being conspicuous does has its perks…sometimes it “swings” on your way…and sometimes “the other way around”….but this game of “fetch” will always be repeated until one of us actually decided to “catch it”….Right now, I’ve born with this “unconditional” respect to those whom (without a doubt) pick the closes opportunity without even thinking or hesitated and live with that decision for his entire life…because I could never do that…I just couldn’t L

Do I Have Too…?

Not everyone been given a smooth gate away to heaven…some of us struggles just to have a sniff of the scent of success…and most of us die trying to even have that opportunity lies in front of them….so how do I justify this action of mine by letting this opportunity “slips by” just like that…? Am I an idiot? Am I picky of this sort of things? As I reckon myself, I always consider the pro’s and con’s when it comes to making big life-decisions like this…but somehow this time it’s different…Its totally not the same as it use too…why?

Why do I caught up with this obvious-looking problems which I just recently uncover…? Do I have to justify everything that I’ve done? Do I really need to tell the world of my reasoning? Because for some reason, I felt that the world is judging me without even looking at my perspectives….they lingers and looking down at you whilst giving this aura of negative perceptions of “you don’t know anything…” to you….It sucks…!!! But I guess it’s the kind of a price that most of us need to pay to let ourselves loose from their grips…I really hope that I did it…!!! I really do….

When To Decide…?

I still don’t have the answer for this yet…but I strongly belief that when the time comes…I will know about it….Not everyone can predict the future (metaphorically speaking) and not everyone have experience dealing with making a big-life-changing decisions…but when the time comes, those fear of making wrong decision will surely turns you into a more mature person…because by that time, you have the pressure of doing something that will affect those whose dear to you…and due to that, you will eventually have to decide for what is best at the moment for all of you (not just yourself)…  

No Matter What...!!!

I Don't Care....!!!

Recently I've made a realization on how strong the feeling of one human towards another. The conversation that me and my sister made the other day provoked my curiosity to seek for an answer for this phenomenon. For me, this is quite odd if you see it in a glance but in the sense of abnormality, it doesn't even counted as one. She has made it clear that the feeling she harvest towards this one person is unconditional. It's kind of funny because every time she mention about this "dude" it's always in a negative form of his. "He always say bad stuff about me in front of other people...", or "He always made fun of me when he's around his friend..." has always be her traits of him....and it bugs me every time she mention about his wrongdoings because clearly "he is not interested in you..." :-(

I keep on advising him (from a guy perspective) that he has no intention whatsoever in hooking up with her..but it turns out that those conversation always ended with a "sigh" and she seems to not able to grasp the idea that the person will never be with her (bluntly speaking)

"Nooooo....he just not into me right now...but eventually he will look me differently..." as she always said. I always be at furious every time she ended our discussion with this statement, because clearly she is routing for someone that is clearly doesn't show any sign of "attraction" towards her, and making the matter worst, she consistently seeking for my aid every time that "deuce bag" broke her heart...!!! I think I'm gonna have a heart attack :-(

The Heart That Tasted A Little Bit of Kindness...!!!

In my sister case, the earlier stage when all these craze starts to happen is when that "dude" offer her some help in the classroom. I mean, just with those small-small chores like helping her to sweep the floor after class could lead to this "madness" act which drive her crazy through her whole semester...!!! Why?

I guess when you received this small pieces of kinships which you misinterpreted as "Love", the impact towards your whole life afterwards could be disasters. She always have this idea that those "help" is a sign of "hitting" and those casual "smiles" is a sign of "attraction"....i mean COME ON...!!! Be a bit rational about this...We "guys" are not that easy......trust me...I know..!!!

Sometimes its just the act of socializing which we (guys) do casually to approach new friends...just saying hello's or greet you politely doesn't mean "anything" serious...Please do not caught up with those myth...!!!

It sometimes break my heart to see her "day-dreaming" about something which only exist in her dreams (but yet it shows in her real life also) and it divert her from her real objectives like "study" or getting her life together....but i guess i can't do much when the "heart" already feel those soft edges of other person's kindness...even blood-line couldn't shake those things up...haha :-p

Love Is More Than Words...!!!

Its an endless effort in saying "I care about you..." not just those single-driven act which has not been repeated in times...Love is not easily interpreted but it doesn't mean that It's hard to come by...If you really love (or be loved) by someone, be sure that those "kindness" or "Smiles" flows endlessly to the extend of this "awkwardness" which makes you feel the urge to "do more" :-) Then you can safely say "That person is attracted to me..." or "something is happening between you two..."~but not going too far with the statement~ or the truth will hurt you more :-(

I really hope that my sister will find her true love someday...not someone that only took care of her health, but also someone who'll understand her the way that nobody's ever did...because for me, that is "LOVE..." and the one whom seek it should be able to see them in its truest form...not its mirage or shadows...like i always says "The bush is scary..but the scariest part of the bush is the things inside it..." you can only imagine what's love before having it...but when you felt it..it will never be the same... :-) 

           

Happy One Year Anniversary...and Happy New Year To All...!!!

How time flies…!!!

Oh my god..!!! Has it been a year already? Gosh…how time flies when you stop looking at the clock…am I right? I guess it’s about this time around when I first step into this blogging “craze” and started to write my first “confession”…and as I recall correctly…I was soooo sad and mad at myself during that time…let it be about love…and life…I was so desperate to express my feeling which led me decides to let the world to decide it for me…haha

I just receive my (I don’t know how many) freshly remorse…I keep on blaming myself and almost all the time pointing finger at myself for all the wrong doings of others…I was young, and naïve…and always care about what people think about me rather than what I suppose to do to myself…gosh..!! What a rally…haha

Right now...i think the door has open itself for me to explore myself more deeply…i have made a lot of progress in finding “who am I” for the past year…and I must say to myself that “I really feel good about this…” Sometimes you wonder where you supposed to be and when you suppose to do it….Am I right? But when you already started (like what I’ve did) the question suddenly change to “where do I stop..?” haha

Boooo whoooo…!!!

No more crying…no more mourning…no more hoping….no more depending…I just have to state this facts to those people whom tries to take me for granted…because I’m a new man now J I’ve changed….no more “old me…” just accept the facts guys and girls….

If you ask me personally, do I really hate my old self so bad that I’ve decided to abandon it just like that? And the answer for it is “I don’t…” and who says that I decided to change myself totally? Haha

What I mean by “no more old me” is just an expression of those weaknesses that I’ve shown to those whom doesn’t worth for it…and how I wanted to improve myself to better lead my life than what I’ve done in the past J I have to understand that I’ve make mistakes…and those mistakes seems irreversible…(people are talking about me…what can I do about it?...) Instead of trying to make them stop…I decided to make them talk more about me by making myself better…I think it will do me more good than harm…don’t you think?

My 26 Years Old Cracked Mumblings…!!!

I’m old….i’m not 18 anymore…(not that I have a cool teenage life to begin with…) :-p but I do miss it once in a while…not having to think all these grown up problems ….living my life as free as possible…keep on wishing for those “fairy tale” ending…smiling every morning…listen to my moms and late-father’s voices every day…Feed my cats….watch my sister fighting each other at dawn…looking at the stars after the heavy rains…feeling the heavy wind across the paddy field…eating ice cream at the side of the road (whilst acting cool when doing it..) laughing at the old man tripping after scolding me and my friends for fooling around…being chase by mad cow for no reasons…catching fish with my bear hand at the river….fighting over whose have more “super power” with my friends after watching our favorite action heroes series…climbing those tall fruit-trees and fall down after miss-grabs a small branches…getting my tooth pull out by the “evil dentist” during my primary school days….get stood out from class when I fail to complete my school exercises…being pinch by my teacher because I was so loud in the class…laughing out loud when seeing my friends get an IV injection during our school days…and many more..!!!

I wish I could remember all those sweet memories…but I guess something are meant to be just for my heart to feel…my eyes to see…but not my conscious to kiss and tell about it…haha

My New Year Resolutions….!!!

Where to start I wonder….well, I have a lot of stuff that I wanted to do this year which I feel kinda wasted if I only focusing only on one thing…am I right? Hmmmm but if I wanted to rate all of them in one go...i would say that the most preferable thing that deserve my focus the most is “My family”…I wanted to payback to all of their hardship and patient in being besides me all this time…

Well, this year alone, both of my younger sister will continue their studies on a higher ground…and my mom isn’t getting any younger…so I guess trying my best to fulfill her wishes may ease up her pain a bit…Getting my life together is one of those small things that I need to do in order for me to get these stuff done…

Maybe seeing someone special might put a spark a bit in my life…getting to know someone that could be my soul partner is also one of those moment that I’ll be looking forward this year…haha J

Get a steady job…that have decent pay could spice my single life even better…getting all those stuff that I’ve envied the most might be among those list in my “To Do” item…not to mention travel across this nation would be nice…wouldn’t it?

But what can I say the most about this 2014 is that it will surely bring me more adventures and exciting life experience ahead…new friends…new environment…new status…I just can’t wait…I just can’t :-p