IS IT IMPORTANT...?

Why Is It Important?
I stumble upon a situation where a question whether "love" really important in a relationship or not recently, and it weighted on me whether to agree or disagree with that statement since the perspective of the other person is quite clear that the extension of love only covers a certain part of that person's life - to which my definition of love tries to uncover a broarder meaning to it. The debate is simple, but the outcome has left me with frustration as I wish to show more sides of love so that person could embrace it more that if "love" truly be understand, then the world will make more sense - but i guess i've lost my chances because I don't want the conversation to go south and severe the ties.
So now the real question to be ask about this topic is why is it important? What makes love in its purest form can create a better version of you? The answer is simple..."from love we are born, and from love we may die..." This statement might seems a bit overwhelmed but let me rephrase it so that it will make more sense to "Love can either saves us...or love can either kills us..." make sense? What do i really mean by this is that love creates us since the very beginning of our lives - either from marriage "birthing" a baby or got stranded in a darkest ally and suddenly receive a small ray light of hopes - this is all coming from love...and how love can kills is by extracting the norm or warmth and let that other person felt left alone or helpless...and this can comes either within your private lifes or social and professional lifes...not only in your romantic lifes...
The largest coverage which I find fascinating is how love covers every religious beliefs in which all the mainstream ideologies, faiths and practices echoes the same principles to put "love" as their main direction and objectives - so what makes love so important? and why love covers so many elements within our everyday lives?
Ofcourse the conversation with that person didn't go till this extend, but how I wish that person can see all of this and hopefully someday someone can be a dear to show that person how wonderful life would be if you start to believe in love.

Why Love & Romantic Relationships?
Perhaps maybe because only in a romantic relationship that a person casually say "I love you" more often then the rest of other type of relationships. We not normally see or hear our boss says "I love your work..." right? Hence, this word has become a taboo and creates a lot of pressure as it's been put onto one type of relationship that determines your direction of continuity lifes - marriage life. But here is the trick, how to establish between "loving" and "liking"? it looks similiar and the notion that follows also almost the same...but the weigthage of "loving" far surpassed those "liking"...why? Because when you "love" someone, it comes with responsibilities and commitments - for the good and bad times...in contradiction, "liking" is temporary and it can increase and decrease against time - easily detarioriated based on many insignificant reasons. That's why in most culture, saying "I Love You" is really sacret and only can be said when that person is truly understand the responsibility that comes with it - its almost the same as phrasing an "Akkad'" during Islamic Solemnization or saying "I Do" in Church Oath Weddings (of course the degree of formality is made clear - plus its also one form of saying "I Love You" in different faith ritual).

What Does Life Without Love?
"Dry" is the correct words to describe this situation. I mean, we have our common sense, ethics, morality and other goodwill practices but it will not be as meaningful and colorful as when love comes into the picture. Just imagine those looks and action are all done with the full realization to please the person that you cared the most - be it your mom, dad, borthers, sisters friends, passerbyer, strangers...all of those people will feel your warmth and effection. Not because everyone is doing it as a trend...not because the society told you to do it...not because you do it for the sake of pleasing your surrounding...but you do it because you felt that it is the right thing to do...that commitment and passion is born from love...I just wish that more people would take some of their time and try to think how love have made them who they are right now and start appreciating love once again...a world without love is not living...its only "breathing"...live and love...thats the way the world should work...and how I hope love can be an important element in our everyday lives starting from now on...Insyallah :-)

~Love can show us the door...blind our soul...push us to our limits...but that is just living...so live~ 

Treat Yourself Like Someone You Love...!!!

How To Love Yourself...?

I used to think that self-loved is something to be avoided...because people keep on telling me that being such self-centered person can only lead to your own demised. So i began to search for my own meaning of "Happiness"...from being selfless to a so-called saint, i dug every ounce of my time and strentgh to seek for that one meaning which suppose to be my purpose of living...days turns to weeks...weeks turns to months...and months turns to years...the definition keeps on piling up...added up from either my experiences or other people that have that "sense" like I do...but something seems missing...it always does...

More and more people come to me and say what they think "Love" or "Happiness" meant for them...it always those cliche answers like "love others like you want to be love..." or "Love is about caring for others and sharings of emotions..." up to the point where some even suggested that "love is about sacrifices to those whom matters..." It sounded nice and beautiful...so slowly i practiced those words...in my everyday live...and everyday works...i put others before me and hoping that those people would do the same to me...and i wait...and wait...and wait...untill i felt like there is no point of waiting anymore...but even so, i still keep on waiting - clueless of what actually my reasons of waiting...

Then i realized that those are just words said out of their subconcious mind which they themself not even realized that they need to honor them...its like those templated words that you use when people ask you a certain question and this causes me to break since I felt stupid enough to fall for them out of admiration...It bugs me that people nowadays only says things out of what they remember and not by their heart...It dawned to me that out of these groups, I'm among those whom spelled-bounded by the charismatic words presented to me - and they kept me hidden whilst they uck the juice out of me for their own benefits...

How do I realized this? when the same intention i seek from them towards me is not honored casually whilst if it were theirs, its park more like a responsibility and must be done at their will - how cruel was that?

Self-Reflection...!!!

For the past two or three weeks I've been reflecting those things which I've done and what I can do to prevent it from happening again - and I found that I need to start loving myself more and appreciate myself like how I appreciate others. I need to consider my gains before others and not be so easily captivated by people's words because (so far) most of them are just words with no honorable attachments. I need to take care of those whom look at me with love instead of those whom look at me as an opportunity...I need to see my own goodness and stop feeling down at myself because its not only open up doors for those "creatures" to sneak into my head, but also it demotivate me to see myself as somewhat beautiful (and yes..I am beautifully nurtured). 

A part from that, I need to isolate myself from those people whom not only threaten my self-belief, but also comdemned me of my belief (which is now i felt these is rude and uncalled for as I always supported what they do and give positive critism to help them out and not discriminate them). As what I can see, if i truly wanted myself to be free and rejoice, i need to take better care of myself...no more extra effort for those whom are not wort the effort - just because they look sad doesn't mean they are entitle for help (it sounded cruel but its the truth)...from my experience, the saddest person seems to always be the most cruelest of all...they drains you and not even consider to take any sort of responsibility for their action - and they are good at it since they do this all the time...

I need to stop being so attached to the work that I do since work is endless and it never going to help me in any sort of matter accept worldly stuff...so yeah, I'm ditching and condeming corporate abuse and hierrarical discrimination towards a person and I'll sworn to myself to try my best to change this pre-historic practices once and for all...

I Love Myself...!!!

I want to tell the world that I finally know the meaning of loving your own self...its not those material love but those emotional love that makes you yourself feel secured about your own action - sometimes our mind and sould do not connect to the level that it can work together as one, so I need to find deeper meaning in order to let these two jive together. Why? because if I couldn't love myself, then how can I show love to others? If I never felt love, then how do I know what I give is actually love in its true forms? If I never felt the warmth of my own love, then how do I know that my love is whole-heartly or not...so I need to love myself and this is not bad thing.

If loving yourself to the point of saving your own dignity and covering your scars and wound are considered as self-centered, then be it...let me be a self centered person for a change..let me be that jerks that say "i don't care about you and your problem...because i have mine to take care off..." hahahaha i wish i could say these stuff right to a person's face but i never able to do it...maybe i'll try it afterwards...fingers cross (and not getting punched in the face)

~Be yourself...Others already been taken...~

I've Met A Girl...!!!

Finally...My Heart Opened For Someone...!!!
The first time i've met her i think is about a year ago...it still fresh in my mind that day when she first step in into my life...i have to be honest...the first time i met her, she have the most beautiful smile i've ever seen...and her face has this comforting aura which i can't really explain further...she is just like an angel...but as always...i kept my cool....
And yeah..she is way younger than me...i mean, waaaaayyyyy younger than me (shoots...this make me feel old...dayumnnn) In my mind that time "she must already been taken...all of the good one always been taken by someone....so why wouldn't she?...." So...i just play it cool...perhaps too cool Hahahaha
Plus...she looks like she comes from a rich family...so that narrows it down waaayyyyy below average for me....i mean, what are the odds that a beautiful girl like her wanted to do anything with me? i guess the ratio would be zero to none...??? - maybe i'm exaggerating it a bit too much...but in my mind that time...it's true...
Every time when i have the chance to meet her, i would steal a glance and look at her...when she's not looking...or through her reflection on the mirror (yeahhh i know...i'm such a looser)...but how could i look at her directly? It feels as if all the puzzle has been arranged into one place...all the jigsaws...all the clues...all the hints leads to this person...it felts as if she posses most of "her" reflections...and this has drives me crazy...but yet again...i play it cool...
Even though I feel she is "her" but from what i've learned so far from experience...the more i pushed, the more wronged i'll get...and i don't want to repeat the same mistake i've make before...because when i put so much hope on someone, i'd easily drowned in my own fantasy and this drives me crazy without cause...and at the end, i would end up either being played, or getting a massive heart break...
So times pass by...i manage to avoid to be overly attached to her...and i drowned myself with bundles of work...which piling to no end...meeting people...arranging this and that...up to the point where my stress level went up soooo high...and when i felt as if my world has gone hey-wired...i heard her voice speaks to me...(like literally..she speaks in front of me and mumbling about some random problems which is soooo small and insignificant...like "how awful she felt about washing the dishes at her workplace..." or "how hard she have to do coffee and juices at the same time...") hahaha
I laughed sooo hard in my mind at that moment...i mean...what on earth is she talking about? compared to my problem, her's is just a peanut right? but...for some reason...her problem make sense to me...and like magic...my problem seems ridiculously stupid compared to hers...and here i was..sitting at the table...listening to her mumbling for hours...and at the end..i felt stupid of my own problems....hahahaha i know right? how the odd has twisted...

That Is When All Of This Started...!!!
Months after that...we are getting closer...but not that close...i mean...i want to get close, but i have to respect her boundaries - i mean, i have to consider whether she is comfortable having an older guy like me being that close to her right? but sometimes i can't help it...it's just happen...and as time goes by, the feeling starts to grow...i try to suppress it...but the feeling is getting bigger and bigger...and the more i try to avoid, the more radical the odds plays its tricks on me...
I try to not seeing her too much...but there is always an opening to set me up next to her...i tried to not look at her too much...but she always tries to engage with me...asking me stuff...sitting next to me...looking all cute and all (urghhhh)...but i can't help it...and truthfully...i kinda like it hahaha - selfishly speaking....
Then she starts to tell her personal problems to me - which i didn't ask....but i really appreciate her for this..i mean - when someone decided to tell you their personal problems...means that they trust you...right? Then one problems after another...from normal chores to ex-boyfriends...i felt i was someone important in her life...even though my part to play is just lending her my ears and a shoulder to cry if she needed them...and this continues for quite some times...and i felt so happy...not a day pass by without me not thinking about her...she somehow gives me strength to do the things that i do...
But then she starts to change...she starts being secretive about certain stuff...then she starts to hide some of her activities from me...consistently she went out with boys which she claims "just a friend"...sometimes when i somehow caught her with her "friend", she will slowly comes to me and explain to me who that guy was...and where they went...and at that time i was sooo confuse...
Firstly - why does she have the audacity to explain to me what's happening between her and that boy? This for me can tell that she is concern that i will take it the wrong way - which i take it positively that she might also have some sort of a feeling towards me...but then it leads to my second thoughts - which is why she must be secretive about the boy if he is just a "friend"?
Leaning from here, she then starts to be less warm towards me...and most of the time she becomes grumpy and edgy...but when she needed my help, she will come to me and asked me for it...then we will be close for a good two seconds..then the cycle goes back in a marry go round...
Then...boys after boys starts to flood in...slowly she starts to tell me stories about how cute this boy she met at her workplace...how handsome this customer that greets her...how wonderful her ex-boyfriend is...and this really confuse me even more...slowly after this scenes, i decided to not put my hopes at her as she consistently breaking my heart unknowingly...but when i tried, and as if she can read my mind, she will become close with me once more...leaning me back to her...chatting with me for hours...and telling me stories like she used too...and this is where i slowly fall for her again...and again...and again...

A Self Respect Vs Faith...!!!
"Until what extend should i take...?" is what i keep on telling myself...and how much can i take from this so called roulette? and when will it end? Will i ever going to get some answer? or will she keep on keeping me on her farris-wheel? Should I confess to her about my feeling? - which she already knows....and even though i didn't confess, with all my action and commitment i've put to be there for her, she still find other man more deserving to be on her side...
The saddest part in this story is - i felt that i put a lot of effort just to be next to her...learn about her...accept her flaws...but she rather chase other guy that didn't even have a clue about her...honestly i want to get angry...i want to be at rage....but i can't...because deep down inside..i truly love her...sometimes i asked God during my prayer that why He plan such confusing and painful experience to me? have i not suffer enough? why must i endure such pain a part from my other pain? Seeing her happily replying text from other people (assuming not all guys) makes me wonder what kind of facial expression she make when she received mine? When is the last time she asked to take picture with me? She would uploaded her so called "friend" pictures but not even once mine is there...and now she seems happily video calling boys in my presence makes it clearer what her preferences are...i get it...i get all the hints leads to only one answer...but for some reason my heart keeps on telling me to stay...and i really don't know why?
But i guess everything should have an ending...right? i mean, sometimes enough is enough...even though all your sense telling you that there is something here...but your brain have the code decoded with facts...and nothing comes out positively...before this i keep on neglecting my brains because i believe in my heart wills....but after being in so many heartbreak...and so many series of unworthy attentions...i have to put a break on this....just to protect my heart from receiving further damage...
But i feel sad...because out of all the girl i've met...she is the closest to "her" which i've ever found...and this make me pause for a second..."if only her shadow makes me this crazy and this attached...what are the odds of me still being sane when i meet her in full...?" I just hope that she found what she wants in a guy...and i hope her search will found an end...and i'll pray that the guy she chooses will take care of her like i would...because i won't be there for her again...not anymore...!!! Not when she need a shoulder to cry...not when she need someone to talk too...not when she need someone to help her shopping for stuff...stay with her till late night listening to all her koreans songs...chatting for hours and hours about how crazy all her friends are...i hope that guy would do this stuff for her...because she deserve the best out of him...since now im out off her picture...!!!
Goodbye...i will always remember you...always....

~ The most painful pain in loving someone is when your love is put onto someone that didn't see your worth...and then you are invisible in front of her...~

THE 3 TABOO YOU SHOULD NEVER MESSED AROUND...!!!

When A Patient Guy Gets Angry...!!!
This might seems like something that most of you looked forward to see - but please try to imagine seeing that nice person turns into something abyss, would it be scary? That person surely wont be the same person you've known after that volcano erupt...trust me...Does this a good thing? or a bad thing to happen to that poor person? i mean...he or she must have tried so hard to suppressed those anger within, but surely some people do not appreciate the effort and tries to blow up the whole thing by pushing them to the side - but the question lies why?

Personally if you ask me...i would say that i am a pretty decent guy that rarely put my anger ahead - but oddly for some people, this is unacceptable for them...for them this act of suppressing and anger management is a nuisance and annoyance to them...hence they usually tries to do a lot of provocations, finding faults, creating issues which is insignificant and many more just so that they can spark some fire...i guess this sort of logic never comes into my intention but i must confess that it is tempting some times when opportunities do falls into your laps...so far i do not console myself to the dark side yet, but then again, i'm just a human being, and human being make mistakes (just don't know when will i make such mistake)

When A Loyal Person Felt Disappointment...!!! 
This is a tough one to tell, because i have felt this a dozens of time already and the pain is real...and deep...this is when a loyal person felt used and left out...let it be in love or in life...the pain is deep and sometimes never recover....especially when it involved the person you loved the most or the things that you felt attached too deeply...
Let takes "love" for example, when you decided to choose a person to put your heart and trust - let it be whether he or she knows about it or not, you already starting to feel the emotions runs deeply within...you'll watch their every details, their body movements, the face expressions, the tone used when they speaks to you...and the attention that they give you when you needed it the most - if it is not what you expect it to be, then you will felt sad, and your emotions starts to rumble and circle your senses...the pain already sinking in even without you notice it...and slowly you are dying within without the world noticing...and the cruelest part of it, that person which you put your heart too also see you dying - but yet they keeps on continue with their live as if you never exist...

When A Cheerful Person Becomes Silent...!!!
There is always a problem when the rooms become silent right? Either the people in the room is the trouble or you are the one they tries to avoid...for me this relates back to the two points above...i mean, if you are trying to suppress your emotions and you felt disappointed at certain things or someone, of course it will effect your moods....I understand that people usually can fake their smiles but what if those disappointment are bigger than your average limit? What if your emotions are so twisted that you don't actually know which one is real and which one is fantasy? For a cheerful person, their logic is that if they do not create a scene or brings out the laughter to the room, no one will...it is not like they are born with that incurable diseases - they are just been given a little bit more sensible attachment to save the awkwardness and they are not suppose to be taken for granted for...
I always felt sad when thinking about this three taboos because i always felt that this has everything to do with me...i don't know how much i can take any longer, but so far i'm glad that Allah have provide me with enough sensible and patient to dealt with this issues on my own...but until when? that is a million dollar question which i myself would like to know the answer...

~Taken for granted will led you to your own despair...sadness and devastation will never disappear...it can only be transform into something positive like happiness..so choose happiness...~

NO ONE WANTED TO LISTEN TO MY STORY?

The Old Days...!!!

I used to be an outcast in conversations...always the last one picked...no one really wanted to speak to me...that's why every time i go to any functions, i'd prefer to sit at the corners..hoping that someone would come and talk to me (since i'm too shy to start any sort of topic with anyone)...I would smile awkwardly...talk in weird pitch...stare to tensely at people when speaking (because i'm an idiot thinking that those were the

definition of "paying attention") and of course this were one of the obvious reason why i not that popular among girls...
But during those time...i was happy...i mean, i was an outcast...but i was happy...everyday i can smile earnestly...i can walk freely knowing that no one would bother to say "hi" or "hello" to me...never care whether i'd bump into classmates and having those "short-sighted" conversation where both of the person acted like they are in such a hurry - but actually aren't...I can enjoy my walk...and i can be as invisible as long as i wanted too...because truthfully, no one cared about me...no one...
Then things started to change...people start to noticing my presence...voices comes from every direction asking for "this" and "that"...questions after questions starts to flooded inn...and before i know it, i've become this popular guy with people lining up just to have time and book me for conversation...trust me, the numbers are massive...one by one people comes and go...speaking their heart content...telling me about all sort of stuff which i didn't even ask...asking me opinions and how to deal with their situations - normally i just use logic (and thank god my logic works 80% of the time) Hahaha
It was crazy...i think it has to be one of those "answered prayer" that i did way back then...because there is this one handsome guy which always be the center of everyone during my "hey day"...and everyday people would come and meet him..asking him stuff...hang out with him...treat him food - this is where i think to myself, "I really wanted to be like him..." So stupidly, i did this pray..and ask God to let me be like him...to be that handsome guy..in those center of attention...and be this wonderful person where everyone looked up too...and surprisingly, among millions of my prayer (including those stupid ones like wanting a space jet), this one is granted...excessively...!!!


I'm Not Complaining...!!!

Don't get me wrong...this is not a complaint about how much i regret what God has granted me...but more or less just to highlight that this prayer have a flaw which i don't think through before making them...those flaw were not as what it seems...because when i pray for people to come and speak to me...swarming me with all their questions - and me answering them make me look smart, treating me well and take me to places...I forgot that i myself also have a story to tell...i mean, after listening to thousands of people's stories, of course you have your own version to tell...am i right? but to whom do i tell mine? From years of doing this, i started to realize that a person such as (what I pray myself to be) is really hard to find...it's like we are some sort of an endangered species...and i am stupid enough to throw myself into this bottomless pit...-such a wise guy i am..right?
But seriously, where the heck is that "person" where i should tell my story too? Does God already stop this type of production or something? because i could really use some ears right now...only God knows how much pain that i felt pressing all of this within...with no one to speak too...because no one really cares about my side of the story...
Everyday i put a big smile...put up a good attitude...i speak nicely to people whom do not even have decencies to speak nicely back to me...i always tell myself that this is how things should be...this is how a person with a big heart should plunger...but the truth is, i never wanted myself to be in this state...i want to talk those things that i want to talk about...i want to tell someone how my day was...and how awful it is to be "me" right now...i want "that person" to know that i cried so many times...more than i should before...i always think about other people's problem, but not even once i looked at mine...for me, my problem is small compared to them...but honestly, everyone's problem is a big problem for themselves...it is just i'm too blind to see mine...


Who Can Help Me?

Do you know those metaphor where people say that you are in this dark pitch black hole when you are alone? and in those darkness, you can only hear voices echoing (if you are lucky) telling you to go to the light...well, i think i'm still in those holes...i still stuck in those darkness of mine with no one to drag me out of it...no one really wants to listen to what my heart wanted to say...they just so selfish to only think about themselves...but what about me? seriously...what about me?
A good friend of mine once told me that "i am special"...he tell me that in many years of befriending a lot of people, i'm tend to be his favorite...he told me that i really and honestly listened to what peoples been telling me...and he really appreciate that a lot...but then he also tell me that i will have a huge problem in the future if i keep on continuing to be people's redemption's wall...and now i know why he said that...only now i understand the reasons behind his speech...and God how painful this feeling is right now...
Now i just wish that someone...i don't know who..but i really prayed that someone will make the same wish that i did...and for some reason destined to visit me at someplace...where i can tell that person all my stories endlessly...every detail...every line of the scrap books...i want to show that person all the memories that i kept...the good...the bad...i want to expose everything...there are so many things to share...so many truth to be told...too may tears to be shed...too many heartbroken to be unraveled...then i want to cry so bad until i fall asleep...and if that sleep is my last sleep on earth, then i'll died as a happy being...knowing that i have done my part in this world...and finally able to tell someone my story...

~I'm A Writer Without A Pen~

TURNING 30...!!!

Understanding About Life...?
Now it seems that life works quite the opposite of what I used to think it would be...seeing countless people in various environment makes me understand how people actually react towards life...and how the challenges on each of us changed who we are...now i truly understand the meaning of "the only thing that does not change in life is changes itself.." we will experience "change" whether we like it or not, and we will grow whether we realize it or not...its a matter of acceptance and acknowledging the "facts" which depict and differentiate us between each other...
For the surreal experience which I've learned throughout this journey so far is there are no fast-track towards achieving big dreams...and if you achieve it easily means that your dream is not big enough (or at least not as big as what you thought it would be)...So far I've cried and laughed at myself for not seeing the true face of the world I lived inn...and how blinded I am till recently...and the best part has yet to come...what about my love life? what about my dream and goals? what about my family? what about my friends? what about them all? - if this is an episodes in Netflix then I'm pretty sure it will have at least 50 seasons more to come...Hahahaha

Chess Play...!!!
It seems that my strategy has yet show its true forms...somewhere along the line, all my dotted are aligned but not able to connect towards each other...perhaps due to my lack of determination? or maybe its my endurance? One by one my chess pieces has been sacrificed for the sole purpose of my future endeavor, but my "King & Queens" have yet able to move...there are lots and lots of pieces to move around...so many positions to configure...so many move yet to be tried...or should I just start moving my trump card? Castling my Rock? Shift my Bishops? or just focus on letting Pawn to take the lead as usual? Gosh...the irony of being underhand am I right?
Sometimes I wish that I can just casually walk without thinking...but most of the time when I tried to do that, other people will come and act as my "brain" for me...So many people claims that they can give me this and that...not forgetting those whom confidently probes that they know "myself" better than me - this might sounded like my ego talking but there is a fine line between egoistic and being prideful of your own achievement...
My late-father once told me that "for whatever thing that you do..do it with your full heart...people will talk about you whether you win or loose, so never take their words which they claimed defined who you are..." Remembering these words make me realized that I might understand why my chess piece haven't moved as planned...perhaps I let those thoughts get into my head...I easily let those people moved my focus and take advantage of my abilities - not saying that I have much though...

Act Your Age...!!!
Few people used to told me about how people should act their age as they grew older...some part of it I can understand...but overall of the concept failed to stay long....I just don't get why must we all be the same? why must we act the same? do the same thing? I mean, this is what the public expect right? but why must I condone to such bias-try and prejudice? I always love to see older people enjoying their time to the fullest - doing good or bad because for my own opinion, they just living their life as what God intended them to be...so God blessed them for those....
 Reaching to this stage makes me more open towards more possibilities in life...i mean, i just turned 30, but somehow I felt that there are more stuff to learn...and more thing to explore...(plus my hair is turning grey more than before...dayumnnn) and I think I'm getting better at seeing things in front of me...I'm becoming less judgmental...I love to see through things till the end instead of jumping into conclusion in the middle...and my tolerance level has increase from time to time...so its a good thing right?
Even though my age does pull some breaks on certain thing, but there are more options left unexplored....so I don't think that I'm loosing anything, more or less, i think I've been giving a chance to explore more about myself...and from there, I think I can conclude who I am and what am I suppose to do in this world...as a son & as a man...hopefully this new chapter brings me to a new height...a new possibilities...and a new light...people say that the grass is greener at the other side of the fence, but in my case, its a sliding door which i can choose to either open, or stay close...fingers cross...!!!!

~Changes in a man can turn into either good or bad depending on your result facing your challenges in life...but whatever the result is, its never meant to be fix...and it can be change...so always believe in yourself..because no one else will~

A Letter To Myself...!!!

Dear Past Me...

   Hope you are doing fine. The reason of me writing to you this letter is because I want to update you on what you will be experiencing in the next 10 - 15 years (no worries, I skipped the detail). As you know, being the future you are quite interesting. You will meet with a lot of great and incredible people. You will see the world in a different perspectives and believe it or not, people actually like being around you for some reason - i guess your pray to be a popular person among the crowd really does been answered (so thanks).

   The best of all, even though you are not financially strong, you are still able to visit those high profile places, clubs and hotels. The pay you get (so far) are low, but the experience you've gained are priceless - but not sure how long I can take this one though. In terms of friendships, you can breathe freely because you have gained a lot of supportive friends a long the way. Some you've loose due to unforeseen circumstances, but no worries because I am pretty sure they will come back after seeing you succeed in your life years from now - so fingers crossed.

   As for your love life (drum roll), i guess nothing changed that much since the last time. I mean, after countless series of disappointment, heartbreak, trust issues, I felt that perhaps chasing for love is not for you. Now, since I have different views about "love" in particular, I guess we should change from "I want you" to "Please find me" tactics. Trust me, chasing after girls are somewhat pointless if you are not financially strong or if you have a not-so-attractive physical - so please start working out now (so that I'll have less trouble finding girls).

   Family-wise, ever since dad passed away, mom is holding up just fine even though she fall sick last year - i was so terrified but I kept putting my game face. Those two bunch on the other hand are quite a handful with their problems and I don't think that you will be able to keep up with them sooner or later. I guess I am not a good brother since I can't protect them as what you intended. So I am really sorry to disappoint you with this news - you can blame me all you want but on my defense, I did try my best.

   Regarding your long term goal, I have to break it out to you that It has been postponed again due to my current circumstances. I guess dreaming of becoming the next Malaysia Airline CEO is just too big (even for now) - but I still haven't forgo that thought just yet. However, your other dreams might be rationalized this year - yes, I planned to become a singer (just like dad). Even though there is a lot of work need to be done, but at least I start with something, right?

   So, to summarize things up, your life is becoming more interesting and exciting (just like the movie you used to watch) and trust me, the pain I felt is real but It teaches me about life and how to live it. Even though I suffered a lot these past years, but I never regret any of those decisions I've made, or regretting those people I've met, because these are my teachers of life - so you much appreciate life more starting from now on. As for your search for "The One", I think I've found her (or at least a shadow of her) but she is not ready yet - plus she is still not able to see you using her heart. Now she sees with her eyes, and it's hard for me to feel her presence - but If she really is the one you seek, then someday she will learn on how to see using her heart and only by then I can feel her presence and hopefully she acknowledge me when the time comes.



Regards,
Wan Suhairi
Future You

Crying Inside...!!!

Tears Don't Lie...!!!
What happen when you cried? Your body becomes weak...your eyes becomes teary and felt a slight pain until it becomes reddish...your nose runs with this endless fluid...your head experience this pain on the frontal and the sides...your throat seems dried out from those silent screams...your voice becomes a bit grasp and fading...and lastly you keep on coupling your hands above your face makes it hard to breathe...sad to see yourself in that situation right? hahaha - its pathetic and encouraging at the same time...
The amount of your sadness that you felt at that specific moment is equivalent to how much you try to suffocate yourself that time - the more you close your face during this process means the more deep the feeling is...and it shows how intense the pressure towards your emotion. In some cases, crying can be a really intense situation and most of the time it can drive people crazy out of the conscious of their mind. So yeah...crying is genuine...even if you are the best actor of the world, you can't perfectly fake it...

Why Do I Cry...?
A lot of things are played in my mind at the moment...some are doubts towards myself...some are the current situation that i'm in right now...some are due to feelings and emotions...families...and other stuff which seems little at times, but when it emerge itself in a bundle, can be quite a show...so yeah, i cried over these "small" stuff... - pathetic? or just being a normal human being?
Its been almost 4 years after i first take this journey of mine to discover whom am I and what am I suppose to do in life...reaching to this last years of my journey i can see that there are a lot more things will be left undiscovered...as any person would suggest to me, i need to make my decision and focus only on things that i wish to do for the rest of my live... - not an easy decision as i love a lot of things which i don't know whether i can take it all in with me at the end of this journey or not...

Am I Weak...?
This are the question which i asked myself during this whole charade of teary scenes...i keep on asking myself have my heart become soft? have i lost my focus? or i just decided to give up on my dream and give myself to the world? Then i cried...over and over again..silently in my own room without even letting a single noise went through my bedroom door...i scream in silent..my voice becomes soar till no noise actually comes out anymore...my nose is running fluid like crazy...my head becomes heavy and painful...i felt i'm going to faint at times...
And when the tears flowing down to my face...then went down to my shirt...it strikes me that this is not a sign of weakness...this is only me acknowledging what's happened to me in life (since I've been denying it as to show that i am focusing on my goals) and these flashback actually a sign for me to make a change in life...perhaps the things that i've done so far have some flaws...or there is a miscalculations somewhere...or am i too naive...or am i still need to push myself further deep...but one thing for sure is that I felt a bit better about myself...I did something so crazy that it has shaken my own ego...Its a humbling feeling and a prideful moment for me as well...The question is, how much more can i take?

 ~The biggest enemy of yourself is your own ego~

What Is Beautiful In Women?

Body?

No doubt in any men's mind that this is the most obvious determinant of a women's beauty...but does it really the case? The shape of their hips...the curves...the legs...does it really make a women what they really are? All this time I've been judging women's beauty by seeing this traits...and in the end it deluded my vision towards other characteristics of women which i found more appealing which is their smiles...attitudes....laughs...maturity...and many more...sexy is the words...but for me, there are hundreds of other words that can convey the same meaning...

I'm not giving away the fact that physical beauty is not important because I would be lying if I did so...but what I'm trying to say that it is not the only thing that matters...because as far as the body goes, the heart is what we search for...but most of us use physical traits to compensate their heart...and this usually dictates those breakups...divorces...and who to be blame for this? The guys that attracted to only the physical traits of a women? or the women that have to comply with the men's lust for physical affection by being sexy?

What Is Beauty?

Something that easy on the eyes? or something that can calms your soul? This two genres really attracts my attention since both of them have huge impact towards the whole relationship...one can only bring delight for a very short period of time...and the other can put someone mind and soul at peace throughout their life...what's funny about women nowadays is that most of them wanted the "Eternity Package" but put their faith in the "Fast Food" section...so the question is why?

If i use my logic of mind, it would go back to the traits of women and their trust issue...so far, based on experience, women are really loyal to their "chosen partner" and what cracks them up is when those "trust" has been breached...and this effected them tremendously and the result is more on them trying to compensate those loss with "options" and in order to get options, they forced themselves to be really aggressive in terms of getting them...this however is a separate case from those women which have less attractive physicals whereby they usually tries to highlight their other means in order to capture men's attentions. 

 A Million Dollar Question...!!!

If this type of so-called "victim of love" passes by a really respectable and loyal guy, would she be able to accept that person? and if that person is unlike the other "options" which she already captured, will she still be interested? From my point of view..the answer would be "a bit hard"...if the women is too consumed with all the wonders which those "options" provide...then it will be hard for her to step back and be in the real world... no judgement here from my end because it has been acknowledge by many that women have a tough time to going backward in lifestyle...so it is only plausible that they still wanted similar or more attachment such as these...so as what any other good-will person would do...i can only pray that they found their love in those world that they lived in...i know that i can only see them from the glass-case outside...but it never stops me from loving them...because i believe that loving is all about appreciation...not so much about possession...but if one of those angel willing to step down from their heaven and even glance at me, then i would consider myself as lucky to be born as a men...and if any of those women such caliber as that willing to even consider to love someone like me, then i think "age" is being cruel to them...because physical is not enough to sustain such beauty....and hopefully God bless them with so much joy and happines that the world can offer...!!!

~Women's beauty is not from her physical...but from her heart...~

What Have I Learned...?

It's Been 5 Years Since I First Started This Blog...!!!
How long does five year serves? Well, honestly, not that long if you ask me...slowly i realized the true meaning of the time factor against your wisdom...no wonder people keep on emphasizing that time is short...i can see it now...It's not so much about what you've achieve within this short period of time, but more towards how much you are living it...looking back at all the crazy stuff I've done so far, i realized that i able to live my life the way i wanted it to be...i mean, free is one thing, but able to make a difference in your own way of life is remarkably an achievement on itself...
Don't get me wrong, the system does have its benefits....but having it your own way have its strolls too...not able to have steady income...don't know when your next paycheck's gonna come also some of its traits...but for some reason, i still feel that i'm moving towards the right direction...why? I don't even have an ounce of fear within me...why? am i blinded by my goal? or i'm just plain stupid? Even i can't tell the difference, but people keeps on making their judgement...so yeah...its for me to know, and for them to figure it out...!!!

Love Life...!!!
It's been a roller-coaster ride so far...i mean, every time when i "think" i've met with "the one", then something else kicks in...suddenly the relationship got sour...or dry...as if they are judging me throughout the periods of getting to know each other...i totally understand the fact that you have doubts about who you be with...and how you always visualized how your life would be together...but from what i can see in my case was, it's more towards how you present yourself rather how you commit yourself...i guess women nowadays are more interested on what they see, rather then what they felt...honestly, in the "looks" department, i think i'm miles away from those other guys so to speak...but in terms of being an affectionate partner, i dint think that i'm far off from their scale...but again, that's its my own judgment...not them...

So, i've been wondering...if i were able to get those "good looks" and those "wealth", would i want to go and chase back those ladies? will it change things? will it define who i am? Will it make the whole definition of loving someone played differently? Would it set another scene for someone like me? Would it mean that i able to finally broke the barrier? or being successful?
If that's the case, then the world is sad...it's not the world that i dreamed when i was a child...i still remember during those days, i never think about all this nonsense...everyone is equal on their ground...everyone is smiling to each other...no one ever talks about how rich their family is...or where did they go for their holidays....the worst would be how big is your lunchbox...and that's it...nothing more..and nothing less...its all about your heart...and how honest you are...i really miss those days...

Friends & Family...!!!
Well, so far i consider myself as lucky...i still got my family to cheer for me...friends to accompany me...some comes...and some goes...i guess that were meant to be...sad, but i have to face the fact that not everyone can ride along with what you rode...nevertheless, i am thankful that those people existed...even their role either to just to have a normal chats...or helping me to be at where i am right now...both are equally important...i can only wish the best for them and their life in the future...and apologies for not being a good friend...
One thing that i've learned about this matter is that you can only bring a certain group with you at one period of time...there will come to the times where they feel unhappy, or stressed out with what you do...those people that once were your backbone can be your own enemy when the times hit south...its nothing personal i guess, its just preferences has changed...either they are not the same person that they used to be before...or you are not the same person you used too...but one things are clear...you are not seeing eye to eye anymore...so separation is the best choice for me so far...not forever though...i still believe that someday in some faithful day, we will meet again..and hopefully in a different circumstances...

~A journey is not a journey unless you step both foot outside and run towards the horizon~

Relationship Problems...!!!

What Does It Mean...?
Relationship is not something that you "declare" or "write-inn" in some papers...relationship is a sacred bond between two person's heart which only can be felt by non-other than both of them...so even though you say that you are in a relationship, you are not truly inn if you do not felt it to your core...from what i've seen, a lot of "couple" nowadays like to "declare" their co-existence with their partner as somewhat a relationship, but the truth is, they are not together spiritually...and most of them co-habit-ed just for the sake of fulfilling each other personal needs...does that is what "relationship" meaning has come too...?
Ideally, if you "in love" with someone...you should felt empty inside every time when that person is not around...your laughter seems dull when they are not around...when you are together, all the joy suddenly doubled...all the lame jokes seems on point...those awful restaurant now felt like an expensive dining hall when that person seat in front of you on the table...the night seems so fast...and the day seems longer...
Waking up seeing her face is the most exciting feeling of all...knowing that you have someone is there when you are down...and all your problem doesn't seems that awful when she's around...their clumsiness and their cheekiness are not all annoying...until you reach to these point, than just consider yourself as "not really in a relationship"...but more or less just being together with someone that you "like" instead of "love"...

Un-appreciative Gesture...!!!
Most of the time when i passed by on a restaurant or a coffee shops, i can see a lot of "love-birds" hanging and chilling out on a date and it seems nice at first...but as time passes, i can see that both of them are not really dating each other, and it bugs me every time as i genuinely identified these small un-appreciative gesture made by them during dating...phones consistently on their hands...looking at other peoples profiling or texting other people during dating seems not something that could be pass on as "having a good time" with your partner...dating used to be the time where you fully utilize your presence with your partner..sharing stories...exchange feelings and emotions...tell jokes...eating and drinking is just an excuse to be together really...but now, dating has become an obligation as a partner to meet once in awhile...and seriously, it does look bad...really bad...!!!
I think partner need to start to be more appreciative of their other half...because if not, the effort of "being together" will only just be a word that people talk about, and not a word that carved in your heart...The same goes for marriages and how many failed marriage starts with these gestures? lack of communication and lack of trust is the catalyst of unsuccessful marriage...and to think that those add commercial about having material as signs of happiness seems true in nowadays scene...but it not suppose to be real in the first place...!!!

Repair The Damage...!!!
The most complex puzzle to be put together is the women's mind and a heart that has been broken...and it's the most curious but true epidemic salvation of truce whereby one mistakes found some halo to try and make things work again..but trust me, the "trust" is so valuable in which when it cracked (even just a little), it takes thousands of good-will just to cover it up...and most of us always take granted for the trust we get...which beg the question whether we are worthy of such responsibility or not?...
But trust me, preventing is less headache than trying to fix it...because once the heart is broken, the work that need to be put...and the effort to make it lively again will be immense...and still, it wont be the same...not anymore...so whatever that you do..do it with cautions and know your game before you start them...!!!

Goodbye 2016...Hello 2017...!!!

The New Beginning To My Ending...!!!

Well..i started my year with bits of sourness since i got sick for quite number of days...and here i am thought that this year could be lenient...i guess i was wrong in that department...but i'm recovering (and guess what?) i will start back my journey with new spirit...new resolutions...and new and improve "Me" (self-proclaimed)....hahaha Generally new year is the time when all of us move on to the next stages in life right? but for me, half of it will be use to scrape those tiny leads of my past...not to cling, but more to understand who am i, and what is the reason of my existence in this world...

The new me will be different this year...i can be sure of that...because if 2016 ever teaches me anything, it would be that "life goes on"...trust me when i say this, these phrase seems easy to say, but a hell of pain to swallow...I still go with my guts in this...but i am pretty sure i've become a bit wiser and a better person than i am before...the people i've met, the places i've been...the experience that i've gain will not be in veil...because i got big plans for myself this year (just wait and see) :-)

The Conjuring Of My Soul...!!!

What i can expect for myself this year is that "This is it..." this is the year of wealth...for almost two years of scrapping for bits of money to survive and clinging onto people's mercy for opportunity has made me stronger (in a hypothetical way)...and this year will be the platform of me to show and tell...trust me, if you are in my shoes right now, you will be really thrilled to start something too...i think from this small gap of bravery (but most people say "idiocracy") that i've taken, i have able to separate myself from the rest of my peers and throw away my skeptical on "how life should work" and start a new...  

Since early 2014 to 2016, i have endure so much negativeness from a lot of people (sadly some of them comes from those i trust the most)...but as i go along this road, i realized that their skeptics has fueled me countless time and for that i can't really channel my anger to them...(not even worthy of my time really...) :-p I don't really believes in miracle since i'm the type that always push my way through hard work and persistence...but every ounce of cells in my body tells me that this year one will happen...and hopefully Allah will be kind enough to allow such a person such as myself to try his luck...fingers cross :-) Aminnn

Baggage's And Crossroads...!!!

I have decided to empty my baggage this year...So no more unprecedented liability...no more unworthy companions...no more hollow feelings....no more clinging to my old self...Its all about me and my family...because i have done trying to act cool...i've done trying to care so much about people that never actually give a damn about me...and also done trying to be this "perfect" figure which plays no role in my current journey...I've done doing all those stuff...so no more "Mr. Nice Guy" after this guys...sorry...!!!

In fact, how about we play this game which i like to call "Crossroads" (I invented myself)...the rule is simple...If at any point during my life journey, either you or any other person which knew me kinda bumped into me accidentally during any time onward, then it means you have a role in my life and we are meant to stay with each other (until either of us separate of course)...if not, then let just say "It was meant to be..." How about that? No heart feelings...!!!

During this stage of myself, I can't be bothered to worry about other stuff besides my family and my goal..it has to be done and i hope all of you understand (if you read this note means you have at least a decency to get a hold of my life story..)Nothing personal...just me trying to jump-start my life over-here...

~Wishing All A Happy New Year And Hopefully This Year Would Bring Something New In Your Life~

      

Letting Go...!!!

Not Really Easy As Said & Done...!!!
Since I started this journey of mine, I've encounter a lot of negativity surrounding me...and the biggest challenges does come from those whom knew me personally...let it be just a hoax gesture or simply plain crooked bash-drop towards my ambition....nevertheless, people keep on trying to pull me down and there were times where I felt "maybe it's time to condone to their demands...."
"People just don't see what I'm trying to do..." My tracks does move from side to side, but my focus has never waver even for one bit...If only I can make them see what I see...(however if one thing that experience do teach me, you will never able to satisfy the whole lot of them)...so I decided to keep my mouth shut and stay in the dark...let them wondering rather than I do the explaining...it's better that way i guess....
As far as age is concern, it does torn me a bit seeing a lot of my friends and relatives getting married...have kids...plus have their life together so perfectly...and sometimes I think to myself "did I do this wrongly...?"

Different People Have Different Timeline...!!!
Not all have a good written timeline on their side...so I never judge those who have it late...or praise those who have it earlier...because I know that mine maybe somewhere in between (hopefully)...What I need to really focus on is to reach where I believe could bring me to my happiness...Now I realize people saying that "even you doing nothing wrong, people still want to bring you down..." It's not as if I meddling with their life or anything, but their sense of eagerness and curiosity led them towards that conclusion...and the end, it wrecks other people's life...and trust me, it hurts like hell...especially when the closest is the one whom led the way...
Most of the time, when I look back into my life, I can only see loneliness...just pure loneliness...but when time passes by, those loneliness started to slowly disappear...not by odds...but by heart content on desperate relief and self-salvation...no one can release you from your despair accept for yourself...and no one can bring you down unless you let them too...

Will The Journey Continue...?
I will try my best to uphold my believe...until the end of time...until the end of my life...I will keep on going towards this road that I choose...either I succeeded or die trying..that's the only way I know how...I don't really care much of what people say..or what they will do to me...what I know is that this is my "Nindo ~ Ninja Way"....and no one can take that away from me...no one will....ever...!!!
I hope this will inspire those whom have dreams...and please always going towards it...never waver..and never think for a second that you are going south...because trust me, when you see everyone is going north, going south aren't really that bad....always be different...because Allah created us different as an individual...why must we became a same person? It's good to unite...but unite as "one" is different than "being one"...so always beware...copycats are everywhere nowadays...!!! Be yourself...stay true to yourself... :-)

What Makes You Different...?

Is It The Taste...?
Have you ever met with someone that "thinks" that they are better than you? And always assume that they are superior than you in every level...? always look down on you...never wanted to hang out with you...never notices you....which makes me think, what makes them different than us? What makes them "think" that they are no less than different than us? hmmmm..because their reason seems legit based on their attitudes...So I did my own research on this...and guess what? the result is scarcely "stupid"....!!! and didn't seems legit at all...but those "posers" seems to be enjoying the view..and love the attention....what a douche...!!!
What i found out based on my observation is that those "posers" think that they are different than everyone else is due to their so-called "exquisite-taste" in certain field...and because of that, they felt superior than those whom seems lesser than their preferences....(but what the heck..?)...For example, some "posers" like good music...they love something exquisite like "Jazz" or "Classical" which they assume that not many people in their "neighborhood" would like them...so every time when everyone wanted to share their "favorite tracks"..these douche would proudly increase the volume of the speaker and let the world know that "I'm unique"...  instead of "This is what I like.."
Same thing goes to Car-enthusiast which always seek for either a really "vintage car" or highly regarded and really expensive car just to brag and feel unique...I do understand that everyone is constantly searching for that "one thing" that makes them different in hoping that other people would acknowledge them and recognize them as they were...but most of us trying so hard which we force ourselves to be someone which we are not...and that would contradict with who we truly are...and that is baaaaddddd....!!!!

Some Douche Just Like Being A Douche...!!!
Posing as someone else does bring confident for certain people...some wanted to be like "Jay Z"...some wanted to be like "Richard Branson"...some wanted to be like "Mandela"....i mean, having an idolize character does have its turning point..especially when people start to "compare" between you and the "real one"...would that be kinda ugly...???
Some just ignore the rule of nature (which everyone is different in their own way) and just keep on living in their dreams...always fantasizing about how great their life would be if they able to follow the footsteps of those character that they've followed...and consistently changes their principle...and being all blur and just following the stream as they walk pass by...(not a good one to be i tell you...)
As a fellow "douche-bags", i would suggest that starting from now, all of us need to be more like yourself and less like other people...but the trick to this sort of "shifts" is to identify "who are you...?" and "what is your style?"...some people takes years to found them..some got it right away...some just too lazy to figure those out and copy others instead...you make the choice...!!!

Everyone Is The Star In Their Own World...!!!
Never feel lesser than the rest of the world...regardless of who you are...and where you came from...you are unique as you yourself already...why must take the "highway" and change that fact...? People will still envy you even if you are poorer than them...shorter than them...fatter than them...darker than them...because your imperfection is the most perfect uniqueness of them all...some people would die to have what you have...regardless of whether you have a million dollars in your account or not... because having your own identity is what intrigue people the most...always remember that out there, billions of people still lurking and scrapping dirt and dust just to figure out who they are...so if you are confident that you already did, then you already a step ahead from those people...why must you feel inferior and bad about it? Learn to love yourself...because no one else would do them for you...and always cherish every inches of your body, because that God-given body is what makes you unique...maybe not in the eyes of others..but in-front of HIM, you will always be his one-and-only piece of unique creation....!!!
  

Life Is Short..Make It Meaningful...!!!

People Don't Realize It...!!!

Have you ever wonder why we are given a short period of time to live our life? Is it just for us to exist? or just to get by and die as a "normal" person...? And if it is, then would you feel happy about it? Would you never question about your existences? would you never felt empty and insignificant? I have that doubts about how we should live normally since i was really young...have you?
Have you ever wonder "why can that guy bought that really expensive car?..." or "how on earth that person could travel to places even though he didn't look like much..." Funny to add, because i keep on comparing those people with my family during those time (which is wrong in every level)....and at one point of time, i even question myself and my fate...and this has created a lot of confusions, and dissatisfaction throughout my childhood days...when i asked my mom or my dad about those stuff, and their reply would always be the same "not everyone have that chance in life...." or "we should be grateful of what we have..." I do understand our situation at that time..and i accept every bits of it since i can't make any changes about it...but what about now? Can i still make that difference? Can I change my own fate?

I Dream A Dream...!!!
Is it wrong to dream big? My religion and the people around me always say the same thing, "It is just enough for you to achieve something that can make you feel happy..." but what if "happiness" for me lies on those dark tunnel? What if i'm destined to do more than just being a regular person? What if...? (or do i understand it wrongly?)

It's a cruel question to ask your mom and dad..since they already given every bit of their effort just to make a living for all of us...and for certain people, this could lead to disrespect and hurtful to those whom we cherish and loved the most...but in some small part inside my heart, i kept on saying "there is nothing wrong to question our effort..or others...since we are all in this together..." the more we convey our thoughts, the more we understand each other..am I right?
I wish that someday I'll be able to touch the sky..and to hold those dream I've longed for..and be among those who achieved theirs...I can see that we will all laugh at our old mistakes...teasing each other's stupidity...see a lot of flashbacks...and drop tears at our previous sufferings and losses...even now i felt that I've lost so many things in life...but I need to keep on moving forward...to that very special place that only a certain people can enter...to the land of the dreamers...

Age Is Just A Number...!!!
I know that being at my age right now doesn't seems that bad to start something...but I'm pretty much sure that even though for the next 10 to 20 years ahead...if I failed to achieve my dreams..I will always be proud of myself...telling a lot of stories to my children..and my children's children....and I will make them annoyed by my story telling session...and they will keep on asking why didn't I achieve my dreams..and I will tell them those things I've done..and the thing's that I haven't have the chance too...and up to a certain time, when they are old enough to chase their's...they will come to ask me my advice and stuff...and when they do..I will give them my best...treat them and train them to not do the mistakes I did..and to do the things that I suppose to do...
Just something that I would like to achieve before I close my eyes for good...before I breathe my last breath...before I can't say any words at all...I really want to see that someday, my children's smile...and their laughter...that very special look on their face as if they are saying "I am proud of you..." Because that is the face I should have done to my dad...the one that he didn't really get the chance to see (because I keep on hiding it...) I wish that I've done that...and I'm really wish that he realize how proud I am for him...the things that he have done..the suffering and hardship...It does put a tears every time i think about it...

~A true man doesn't show his tears in front of their love ones...because if he did, then they will start to cry too...and of all the horrible things that he has seen, that is the only thing he wishes not too...~