Finally...My Heart Opened For Someone...!!!
The first time i've met her i think is about a year ago...it still fresh in my mind that day when she first step in into my life...i have to be honest...the first time i met her, she have the most beautiful smile i've ever seen...and her face has this comforting aura which i can't really explain further...she is just like an angel...but as always...i kept my cool....
And yeah..she is way younger than me...i mean, waaaaayyyyy younger than me (shoots...this make me feel old...dayumnnn) In my mind that time "she must already been taken...all of the good one always been taken by someone....so why wouldn't she?...." So...i just play it cool...perhaps too cool Hahahaha
Plus...she looks like she comes from a rich family...so that narrows it down waaayyyyy below average for me....i mean, what are the odds that a beautiful girl like her wanted to do anything with me? i guess the ratio would be zero to none...??? - maybe i'm exaggerating it a bit too much...but in my mind that time...it's true...
Every time when i have the chance to meet her, i would steal a glance and look at her...when she's not looking...or through her reflection on the mirror (yeahhh i know...i'm such a looser)...but how could i look at her directly? It feels as if all the puzzle has been arranged into one place...all the jigsaws...all the clues...all the hints leads to this person...it felts as if she posses most of "her" reflections...and this has drives me crazy...but yet again...i play it cool...
Even though I feel she is "her" but from what i've learned so far from experience...the more i pushed, the more wronged i'll get...and i don't want to repeat the same mistake i've make before...because when i put so much hope on someone, i'd easily drowned in my own fantasy and this drives me crazy without cause...and at the end, i would end up either being played, or getting a massive heart break...
So times pass by...i manage to avoid to be overly attached to her...and i drowned myself with bundles of work...which piling to no end...meeting people...arranging this and that...up to the point where my stress level went up soooo high...and when i felt as if my world has gone hey-wired...i heard her voice speaks to me...(like literally..she speaks in front of me and mumbling about some random problems which is soooo small and insignificant...like "how awful she felt about washing the dishes at her workplace..." or "how hard she have to do coffee and juices at the same time...") hahaha
I laughed sooo hard in my mind at that moment...i mean...what on earth is she talking about? compared to my problem, her's is just a peanut right? but...for some reason...her problem make sense to me...and like magic...my problem seems ridiculously stupid compared to hers...and here i was..sitting at the table...listening to her mumbling for hours...and at the end..i felt stupid of my own problems....hahahaha i know right? how the odd has twisted...
That Is When All Of This Started...!!!
Months after that...we are getting closer...but not that close...i mean...i want to get close, but i have to respect her boundaries - i mean, i have to consider whether she is comfortable having an older guy like me being that close to her right? but sometimes i can't help it...it's just happen...and as time goes by, the feeling starts to grow...i try to suppress it...but the feeling is getting bigger and bigger...and the more i try to avoid, the more radical the odds plays its tricks on me...
I try to not seeing her too much...but there is always an opening to set me up next to her...i tried to not look at her too much...but she always tries to engage with me...asking me stuff...sitting next to me...looking all cute and all (urghhhh)...but i can't help it...and truthfully...i kinda like it hahaha - selfishly speaking....
Then she starts to tell her personal problems to me - which i didn't ask....but i really appreciate her for this..i mean - when someone decided to tell you their personal problems...means that they trust you...right? Then one problems after another...from normal chores to ex-boyfriends...i felt i was someone important in her life...even though my part to play is just lending her my ears and a shoulder to cry if she needed them...and this continues for quite some times...and i felt so happy...not a day pass by without me not thinking about her...she somehow gives me strength to do the things that i do...
But then she starts to change...she starts being secretive about certain stuff...then she starts to hide some of her activities from me...consistently she went out with boys which she claims "just a friend"...sometimes when i somehow caught her with her "friend", she will slowly comes to me and explain to me who that guy was...and where they went...and at that time i was sooo confuse...
Firstly - why does she have the audacity to explain to me what's happening between her and that boy? This for me can tell that she is concern that i will take it the wrong way - which i take it positively that she might also have some sort of a feeling towards me...but then it leads to my second thoughts - which is why she must be secretive about the boy if he is just a "friend"?
Leaning from here, she then starts to be less warm towards me...and most of the time she becomes grumpy and edgy...but when she needed my help, she will come to me and asked me for it...then we will be close for a good two seconds..then the cycle goes back in a marry go round...
Then...boys after boys starts to flood in...slowly she starts to tell me stories about how cute this boy she met at her workplace...how handsome this customer that greets her...how wonderful her ex-boyfriend is...and this really confuse me even more...slowly after this scenes, i decided to not put my hopes at her as she consistently breaking my heart unknowingly...but when i tried, and as if she can read my mind, she will become close with me once more...leaning me back to her...chatting with me for hours...and telling me stories like she used too...and this is where i slowly fall for her again...and again...and again...
A Self Respect Vs Faith...!!!
"Until what extend should i take...?" is what i keep on telling myself...and how much can i take from this so called roulette? and when will it end? Will i ever going to get some answer? or will she keep on keeping me on her farris-wheel? Should I confess to her about my feeling? - which she already knows....and even though i didn't confess, with all my action and commitment i've put to be there for her, she still find other man more deserving to be on her side...
The saddest part in this story is - i felt that i put a lot of effort just to be next to her...learn about her...accept her flaws...but she rather chase other guy that didn't even have a clue about her...honestly i want to get angry...i want to be at rage....but i can't...because deep down inside..i truly love her...sometimes i asked God during my prayer that why He plan such confusing and painful experience to me? have i not suffer enough? why must i endure such pain a part from my other pain? Seeing her happily replying text from other people (assuming not all guys) makes me wonder what kind of facial expression she make when she received mine? When is the last time she asked to take picture with me? She would uploaded her so called "friend" pictures but not even once mine is there...and now she seems happily video calling boys in my presence makes it clearer what her preferences are...i get it...i get all the hints leads to only one answer...but for some reason my heart keeps on telling me to stay...and i really don't know why?
But i guess everything should have an ending...right? i mean, sometimes enough is enough...even though all your sense telling you that there is something here...but your brain have the code decoded with facts...and nothing comes out positively...before this i keep on neglecting my brains because i believe in my heart wills....but after being in so many heartbreak...and so many series of unworthy attentions...i have to put a break on this....just to protect my heart from receiving further damage...
But i feel sad...because out of all the girl i've met...she is the closest to "her" which i've ever found...and this make me pause for a second..."if only her shadow makes me this crazy and this attached...what are the odds of me still being sane when i meet her in full...?" I just hope that she found what she wants in a guy...and i hope her search will found an end...and i'll pray that the guy she chooses will take care of her like i would...because i won't be there for her again...not anymore...!!! Not when she need a shoulder to cry...not when she need someone to talk too...not when she need someone to help her shopping for stuff...stay with her till late night listening to all her koreans songs...chatting for hours and hours about how crazy all her friends are...i hope that guy would do this stuff for her...because she deserve the best out of him...since now im out off her picture...!!!
Goodbye...i will always remember you...always....
The first time i've met her i think is about a year ago...it still fresh in my mind that day when she first step in into my life...i have to be honest...the first time i met her, she have the most beautiful smile i've ever seen...and her face has this comforting aura which i can't really explain further...she is just like an angel...but as always...i kept my cool....
And yeah..she is way younger than me...i mean, waaaaayyyyy younger than me (shoots...this make me feel old...dayumnnn) In my mind that time "she must already been taken...all of the good one always been taken by someone....so why wouldn't she?...." So...i just play it cool...perhaps too cool Hahahaha
Plus...she looks like she comes from a rich family...so that narrows it down waaayyyyy below average for me....i mean, what are the odds that a beautiful girl like her wanted to do anything with me? i guess the ratio would be zero to none...??? - maybe i'm exaggerating it a bit too much...but in my mind that time...it's true...
Every time when i have the chance to meet her, i would steal a glance and look at her...when she's not looking...or through her reflection on the mirror (yeahhh i know...i'm such a looser)...but how could i look at her directly? It feels as if all the puzzle has been arranged into one place...all the jigsaws...all the clues...all the hints leads to this person...it felts as if she posses most of "her" reflections...and this has drives me crazy...but yet again...i play it cool...Even though I feel she is "her" but from what i've learned so far from experience...the more i pushed, the more wronged i'll get...and i don't want to repeat the same mistake i've make before...because when i put so much hope on someone, i'd easily drowned in my own fantasy and this drives me crazy without cause...and at the end, i would end up either being played, or getting a massive heart break...
So times pass by...i manage to avoid to be overly attached to her...and i drowned myself with bundles of work...which piling to no end...meeting people...arranging this and that...up to the point where my stress level went up soooo high...and when i felt as if my world has gone hey-wired...i heard her voice speaks to me...(like literally..she speaks in front of me and mumbling about some random problems which is soooo small and insignificant...like "how awful she felt about washing the dishes at her workplace..." or "how hard she have to do coffee and juices at the same time...") hahaha
I laughed sooo hard in my mind at that moment...i mean...what on earth is she talking about? compared to my problem, her's is just a peanut right? but...for some reason...her problem make sense to me...and like magic...my problem seems ridiculously stupid compared to hers...and here i was..sitting at the table...listening to her mumbling for hours...and at the end..i felt stupid of my own problems....hahahaha i know right? how the odd has twisted...
That Is When All Of This Started...!!!
Months after that...we are getting closer...but not that close...i mean...i want to get close, but i have to respect her boundaries - i mean, i have to consider whether she is comfortable having an older guy like me being that close to her right? but sometimes i can't help it...it's just happen...and as time goes by, the feeling starts to grow...i try to suppress it...but the feeling is getting bigger and bigger...and the more i try to avoid, the more radical the odds plays its tricks on me...
I try to not seeing her too much...but there is always an opening to set me up next to her...i tried to not look at her too much...but she always tries to engage with me...asking me stuff...sitting next to me...looking all cute and all (urghhhh)...but i can't help it...and truthfully...i kinda like it hahaha - selfishly speaking....
Then she starts to tell her personal problems to me - which i didn't ask....but i really appreciate her for this..i mean - when someone decided to tell you their personal problems...means that they trust you...right? Then one problems after another...from normal chores to ex-boyfriends...i felt i was someone important in her life...even though my part to play is just lending her my ears and a shoulder to cry if she needed them...and this continues for quite some times...and i felt so happy...not a day pass by without me not thinking about her...she somehow gives me strength to do the things that i do...But then she starts to change...she starts being secretive about certain stuff...then she starts to hide some of her activities from me...consistently she went out with boys which she claims "just a friend"...sometimes when i somehow caught her with her "friend", she will slowly comes to me and explain to me who that guy was...and where they went...and at that time i was sooo confuse...
Firstly - why does she have the audacity to explain to me what's happening between her and that boy? This for me can tell that she is concern that i will take it the wrong way - which i take it positively that she might also have some sort of a feeling towards me...but then it leads to my second thoughts - which is why she must be secretive about the boy if he is just a "friend"?
Leaning from here, she then starts to be less warm towards me...and most of the time she becomes grumpy and edgy...but when she needed my help, she will come to me and asked me for it...then we will be close for a good two seconds..then the cycle goes back in a marry go round...
Then...boys after boys starts to flood in...slowly she starts to tell me stories about how cute this boy she met at her workplace...how handsome this customer that greets her...how wonderful her ex-boyfriend is...and this really confuse me even more...slowly after this scenes, i decided to not put my hopes at her as she consistently breaking my heart unknowingly...but when i tried, and as if she can read my mind, she will become close with me once more...leaning me back to her...chatting with me for hours...and telling me stories like she used too...and this is where i slowly fall for her again...and again...and again...
A Self Respect Vs Faith...!!!
"Until what extend should i take...?" is what i keep on telling myself...and how much can i take from this so called roulette? and when will it end? Will i ever going to get some answer? or will she keep on keeping me on her farris-wheel? Should I confess to her about my feeling? - which she already knows....and even though i didn't confess, with all my action and commitment i've put to be there for her, she still find other man more deserving to be on her side...
The saddest part in this story is - i felt that i put a lot of effort just to be next to her...learn about her...accept her flaws...but she rather chase other guy that didn't even have a clue about her...honestly i want to get angry...i want to be at rage....but i can't...because deep down inside..i truly love her...sometimes i asked God during my prayer that why He plan such confusing and painful experience to me? have i not suffer enough? why must i endure such pain a part from my other pain? Seeing her happily replying text from other people (assuming not all guys) makes me wonder what kind of facial expression she make when she received mine? When is the last time she asked to take picture with me? She would uploaded her so called "friend" pictures but not even once mine is there...and now she seems happily video calling boys in my presence makes it clearer what her preferences are...i get it...i get all the hints leads to only one answer...but for some reason my heart keeps on telling me to stay...and i really don't know why?But i guess everything should have an ending...right? i mean, sometimes enough is enough...even though all your sense telling you that there is something here...but your brain have the code decoded with facts...and nothing comes out positively...before this i keep on neglecting my brains because i believe in my heart wills....but after being in so many heartbreak...and so many series of unworthy attentions...i have to put a break on this....just to protect my heart from receiving further damage...
But i feel sad...because out of all the girl i've met...she is the closest to "her" which i've ever found...and this make me pause for a second..."if only her shadow makes me this crazy and this attached...what are the odds of me still being sane when i meet her in full...?" I just hope that she found what she wants in a guy...and i hope her search will found an end...and i'll pray that the guy she chooses will take care of her like i would...because i won't be there for her again...not anymore...!!! Not when she need a shoulder to cry...not when she need someone to talk too...not when she need someone to help her shopping for stuff...stay with her till late night listening to all her koreans songs...chatting for hours and hours about how crazy all her friends are...i hope that guy would do this stuff for her...because she deserve the best out of him...since now im out off her picture...!!!
Goodbye...i will always remember you...always....
~ The most painful pain in loving someone is when your love is put onto someone that didn't see your worth...and then you are invisible in front of her...~
