IS IT IMPORTANT...?

Why Is It Important?
I stumble upon a situation where a question whether "love" really important in a relationship or not recently, and it weighted on me whether to agree or disagree with that statement since the perspective of the other person is quite clear that the extension of love only covers a certain part of that person's life - to which my definition of love tries to uncover a broarder meaning to it. The debate is simple, but the outcome has left me with frustration as I wish to show more sides of love so that person could embrace it more that if "love" truly be understand, then the world will make more sense - but i guess i've lost my chances because I don't want the conversation to go south and severe the ties.
So now the real question to be ask about this topic is why is it important? What makes love in its purest form can create a better version of you? The answer is simple..."from love we are born, and from love we may die..." This statement might seems a bit overwhelmed but let me rephrase it so that it will make more sense to "Love can either saves us...or love can either kills us..." make sense? What do i really mean by this is that love creates us since the very beginning of our lives - either from marriage "birthing" a baby or got stranded in a darkest ally and suddenly receive a small ray light of hopes - this is all coming from love...and how love can kills is by extracting the norm or warmth and let that other person felt left alone or helpless...and this can comes either within your private lifes or social and professional lifes...not only in your romantic lifes...
The largest coverage which I find fascinating is how love covers every religious beliefs in which all the mainstream ideologies, faiths and practices echoes the same principles to put "love" as their main direction and objectives - so what makes love so important? and why love covers so many elements within our everyday lives?
Ofcourse the conversation with that person didn't go till this extend, but how I wish that person can see all of this and hopefully someday someone can be a dear to show that person how wonderful life would be if you start to believe in love.

Why Love & Romantic Relationships?
Perhaps maybe because only in a romantic relationship that a person casually say "I love you" more often then the rest of other type of relationships. We not normally see or hear our boss says "I love your work..." right? Hence, this word has become a taboo and creates a lot of pressure as it's been put onto one type of relationship that determines your direction of continuity lifes - marriage life. But here is the trick, how to establish between "loving" and "liking"? it looks similiar and the notion that follows also almost the same...but the weigthage of "loving" far surpassed those "liking"...why? Because when you "love" someone, it comes with responsibilities and commitments - for the good and bad times...in contradiction, "liking" is temporary and it can increase and decrease against time - easily detarioriated based on many insignificant reasons. That's why in most culture, saying "I Love You" is really sacret and only can be said when that person is truly understand the responsibility that comes with it - its almost the same as phrasing an "Akkad'" during Islamic Solemnization or saying "I Do" in Church Oath Weddings (of course the degree of formality is made clear - plus its also one form of saying "I Love You" in different faith ritual).

What Does Life Without Love?
"Dry" is the correct words to describe this situation. I mean, we have our common sense, ethics, morality and other goodwill practices but it will not be as meaningful and colorful as when love comes into the picture. Just imagine those looks and action are all done with the full realization to please the person that you cared the most - be it your mom, dad, borthers, sisters friends, passerbyer, strangers...all of those people will feel your warmth and effection. Not because everyone is doing it as a trend...not because the society told you to do it...not because you do it for the sake of pleasing your surrounding...but you do it because you felt that it is the right thing to do...that commitment and passion is born from love...I just wish that more people would take some of their time and try to think how love have made them who they are right now and start appreciating love once again...a world without love is not living...its only "breathing"...live and love...thats the way the world should work...and how I hope love can be an important element in our everyday lives starting from now on...Insyallah :-)

~Love can show us the door...blind our soul...push us to our limits...but that is just living...so live~ 

Treat Yourself Like Someone You Love...!!!

How To Love Yourself...?

I used to think that self-loved is something to be avoided...because people keep on telling me that being such self-centered person can only lead to your own demised. So i began to search for my own meaning of "Happiness"...from being selfless to a so-called saint, i dug every ounce of my time and strentgh to seek for that one meaning which suppose to be my purpose of living...days turns to weeks...weeks turns to months...and months turns to years...the definition keeps on piling up...added up from either my experiences or other people that have that "sense" like I do...but something seems missing...it always does...

More and more people come to me and say what they think "Love" or "Happiness" meant for them...it always those cliche answers like "love others like you want to be love..." or "Love is about caring for others and sharings of emotions..." up to the point where some even suggested that "love is about sacrifices to those whom matters..." It sounded nice and beautiful...so slowly i practiced those words...in my everyday live...and everyday works...i put others before me and hoping that those people would do the same to me...and i wait...and wait...and wait...untill i felt like there is no point of waiting anymore...but even so, i still keep on waiting - clueless of what actually my reasons of waiting...

Then i realized that those are just words said out of their subconcious mind which they themself not even realized that they need to honor them...its like those templated words that you use when people ask you a certain question and this causes me to break since I felt stupid enough to fall for them out of admiration...It bugs me that people nowadays only says things out of what they remember and not by their heart...It dawned to me that out of these groups, I'm among those whom spelled-bounded by the charismatic words presented to me - and they kept me hidden whilst they uck the juice out of me for their own benefits...

How do I realized this? when the same intention i seek from them towards me is not honored casually whilst if it were theirs, its park more like a responsibility and must be done at their will - how cruel was that?

Self-Reflection...!!!

For the past two or three weeks I've been reflecting those things which I've done and what I can do to prevent it from happening again - and I found that I need to start loving myself more and appreciate myself like how I appreciate others. I need to consider my gains before others and not be so easily captivated by people's words because (so far) most of them are just words with no honorable attachments. I need to take care of those whom look at me with love instead of those whom look at me as an opportunity...I need to see my own goodness and stop feeling down at myself because its not only open up doors for those "creatures" to sneak into my head, but also it demotivate me to see myself as somewhat beautiful (and yes..I am beautifully nurtured). 

A part from that, I need to isolate myself from those people whom not only threaten my self-belief, but also comdemned me of my belief (which is now i felt these is rude and uncalled for as I always supported what they do and give positive critism to help them out and not discriminate them). As what I can see, if i truly wanted myself to be free and rejoice, i need to take better care of myself...no more extra effort for those whom are not wort the effort - just because they look sad doesn't mean they are entitle for help (it sounded cruel but its the truth)...from my experience, the saddest person seems to always be the most cruelest of all...they drains you and not even consider to take any sort of responsibility for their action - and they are good at it since they do this all the time...

I need to stop being so attached to the work that I do since work is endless and it never going to help me in any sort of matter accept worldly stuff...so yeah, I'm ditching and condeming corporate abuse and hierrarical discrimination towards a person and I'll sworn to myself to try my best to change this pre-historic practices once and for all...

I Love Myself...!!!

I want to tell the world that I finally know the meaning of loving your own self...its not those material love but those emotional love that makes you yourself feel secured about your own action - sometimes our mind and sould do not connect to the level that it can work together as one, so I need to find deeper meaning in order to let these two jive together. Why? because if I couldn't love myself, then how can I show love to others? If I never felt love, then how do I know what I give is actually love in its true forms? If I never felt the warmth of my own love, then how do I know that my love is whole-heartly or not...so I need to love myself and this is not bad thing.

If loving yourself to the point of saving your own dignity and covering your scars and wound are considered as self-centered, then be it...let me be a self centered person for a change..let me be that jerks that say "i don't care about you and your problem...because i have mine to take care off..." hahahaha i wish i could say these stuff right to a person's face but i never able to do it...maybe i'll try it afterwards...fingers cross (and not getting punched in the face)

~Be yourself...Others already been taken...~

I've Met A Girl...!!!

Finally...My Heart Opened For Someone...!!!
The first time i've met her i think is about a year ago...it still fresh in my mind that day when she first step in into my life...i have to be honest...the first time i met her, she have the most beautiful smile i've ever seen...and her face has this comforting aura which i can't really explain further...she is just like an angel...but as always...i kept my cool....
And yeah..she is way younger than me...i mean, waaaaayyyyy younger than me (shoots...this make me feel old...dayumnnn) In my mind that time "she must already been taken...all of the good one always been taken by someone....so why wouldn't she?...." So...i just play it cool...perhaps too cool Hahahaha
Plus...she looks like she comes from a rich family...so that narrows it down waaayyyyy below average for me....i mean, what are the odds that a beautiful girl like her wanted to do anything with me? i guess the ratio would be zero to none...??? - maybe i'm exaggerating it a bit too much...but in my mind that time...it's true...
Every time when i have the chance to meet her, i would steal a glance and look at her...when she's not looking...or through her reflection on the mirror (yeahhh i know...i'm such a looser)...but how could i look at her directly? It feels as if all the puzzle has been arranged into one place...all the jigsaws...all the clues...all the hints leads to this person...it felts as if she posses most of "her" reflections...and this has drives me crazy...but yet again...i play it cool...
Even though I feel she is "her" but from what i've learned so far from experience...the more i pushed, the more wronged i'll get...and i don't want to repeat the same mistake i've make before...because when i put so much hope on someone, i'd easily drowned in my own fantasy and this drives me crazy without cause...and at the end, i would end up either being played, or getting a massive heart break...
So times pass by...i manage to avoid to be overly attached to her...and i drowned myself with bundles of work...which piling to no end...meeting people...arranging this and that...up to the point where my stress level went up soooo high...and when i felt as if my world has gone hey-wired...i heard her voice speaks to me...(like literally..she speaks in front of me and mumbling about some random problems which is soooo small and insignificant...like "how awful she felt about washing the dishes at her workplace..." or "how hard she have to do coffee and juices at the same time...") hahaha
I laughed sooo hard in my mind at that moment...i mean...what on earth is she talking about? compared to my problem, her's is just a peanut right? but...for some reason...her problem make sense to me...and like magic...my problem seems ridiculously stupid compared to hers...and here i was..sitting at the table...listening to her mumbling for hours...and at the end..i felt stupid of my own problems....hahahaha i know right? how the odd has twisted...

That Is When All Of This Started...!!!
Months after that...we are getting closer...but not that close...i mean...i want to get close, but i have to respect her boundaries - i mean, i have to consider whether she is comfortable having an older guy like me being that close to her right? but sometimes i can't help it...it's just happen...and as time goes by, the feeling starts to grow...i try to suppress it...but the feeling is getting bigger and bigger...and the more i try to avoid, the more radical the odds plays its tricks on me...
I try to not seeing her too much...but there is always an opening to set me up next to her...i tried to not look at her too much...but she always tries to engage with me...asking me stuff...sitting next to me...looking all cute and all (urghhhh)...but i can't help it...and truthfully...i kinda like it hahaha - selfishly speaking....
Then she starts to tell her personal problems to me - which i didn't ask....but i really appreciate her for this..i mean - when someone decided to tell you their personal problems...means that they trust you...right? Then one problems after another...from normal chores to ex-boyfriends...i felt i was someone important in her life...even though my part to play is just lending her my ears and a shoulder to cry if she needed them...and this continues for quite some times...and i felt so happy...not a day pass by without me not thinking about her...she somehow gives me strength to do the things that i do...
But then she starts to change...she starts being secretive about certain stuff...then she starts to hide some of her activities from me...consistently she went out with boys which she claims "just a friend"...sometimes when i somehow caught her with her "friend", she will slowly comes to me and explain to me who that guy was...and where they went...and at that time i was sooo confuse...
Firstly - why does she have the audacity to explain to me what's happening between her and that boy? This for me can tell that she is concern that i will take it the wrong way - which i take it positively that she might also have some sort of a feeling towards me...but then it leads to my second thoughts - which is why she must be secretive about the boy if he is just a "friend"?
Leaning from here, she then starts to be less warm towards me...and most of the time she becomes grumpy and edgy...but when she needed my help, she will come to me and asked me for it...then we will be close for a good two seconds..then the cycle goes back in a marry go round...
Then...boys after boys starts to flood in...slowly she starts to tell me stories about how cute this boy she met at her workplace...how handsome this customer that greets her...how wonderful her ex-boyfriend is...and this really confuse me even more...slowly after this scenes, i decided to not put my hopes at her as she consistently breaking my heart unknowingly...but when i tried, and as if she can read my mind, she will become close with me once more...leaning me back to her...chatting with me for hours...and telling me stories like she used too...and this is where i slowly fall for her again...and again...and again...

A Self Respect Vs Faith...!!!
"Until what extend should i take...?" is what i keep on telling myself...and how much can i take from this so called roulette? and when will it end? Will i ever going to get some answer? or will she keep on keeping me on her farris-wheel? Should I confess to her about my feeling? - which she already knows....and even though i didn't confess, with all my action and commitment i've put to be there for her, she still find other man more deserving to be on her side...
The saddest part in this story is - i felt that i put a lot of effort just to be next to her...learn about her...accept her flaws...but she rather chase other guy that didn't even have a clue about her...honestly i want to get angry...i want to be at rage....but i can't...because deep down inside..i truly love her...sometimes i asked God during my prayer that why He plan such confusing and painful experience to me? have i not suffer enough? why must i endure such pain a part from my other pain? Seeing her happily replying text from other people (assuming not all guys) makes me wonder what kind of facial expression she make when she received mine? When is the last time she asked to take picture with me? She would uploaded her so called "friend" pictures but not even once mine is there...and now she seems happily video calling boys in my presence makes it clearer what her preferences are...i get it...i get all the hints leads to only one answer...but for some reason my heart keeps on telling me to stay...and i really don't know why?
But i guess everything should have an ending...right? i mean, sometimes enough is enough...even though all your sense telling you that there is something here...but your brain have the code decoded with facts...and nothing comes out positively...before this i keep on neglecting my brains because i believe in my heart wills....but after being in so many heartbreak...and so many series of unworthy attentions...i have to put a break on this....just to protect my heart from receiving further damage...
But i feel sad...because out of all the girl i've met...she is the closest to "her" which i've ever found...and this make me pause for a second..."if only her shadow makes me this crazy and this attached...what are the odds of me still being sane when i meet her in full...?" I just hope that she found what she wants in a guy...and i hope her search will found an end...and i'll pray that the guy she chooses will take care of her like i would...because i won't be there for her again...not anymore...!!! Not when she need a shoulder to cry...not when she need someone to talk too...not when she need someone to help her shopping for stuff...stay with her till late night listening to all her koreans songs...chatting for hours and hours about how crazy all her friends are...i hope that guy would do this stuff for her...because she deserve the best out of him...since now im out off her picture...!!!
Goodbye...i will always remember you...always....

~ The most painful pain in loving someone is when your love is put onto someone that didn't see your worth...and then you are invisible in front of her...~

THE 3 TABOO YOU SHOULD NEVER MESSED AROUND...!!!

When A Patient Guy Gets Angry...!!!
This might seems like something that most of you looked forward to see - but please try to imagine seeing that nice person turns into something abyss, would it be scary? That person surely wont be the same person you've known after that volcano erupt...trust me...Does this a good thing? or a bad thing to happen to that poor person? i mean...he or she must have tried so hard to suppressed those anger within, but surely some people do not appreciate the effort and tries to blow up the whole thing by pushing them to the side - but the question lies why?

Personally if you ask me...i would say that i am a pretty decent guy that rarely put my anger ahead - but oddly for some people, this is unacceptable for them...for them this act of suppressing and anger management is a nuisance and annoyance to them...hence they usually tries to do a lot of provocations, finding faults, creating issues which is insignificant and many more just so that they can spark some fire...i guess this sort of logic never comes into my intention but i must confess that it is tempting some times when opportunities do falls into your laps...so far i do not console myself to the dark side yet, but then again, i'm just a human being, and human being make mistakes (just don't know when will i make such mistake)

When A Loyal Person Felt Disappointment...!!! 
This is a tough one to tell, because i have felt this a dozens of time already and the pain is real...and deep...this is when a loyal person felt used and left out...let it be in love or in life...the pain is deep and sometimes never recover....especially when it involved the person you loved the most or the things that you felt attached too deeply...
Let takes "love" for example, when you decided to choose a person to put your heart and trust - let it be whether he or she knows about it or not, you already starting to feel the emotions runs deeply within...you'll watch their every details, their body movements, the face expressions, the tone used when they speaks to you...and the attention that they give you when you needed it the most - if it is not what you expect it to be, then you will felt sad, and your emotions starts to rumble and circle your senses...the pain already sinking in even without you notice it...and slowly you are dying within without the world noticing...and the cruelest part of it, that person which you put your heart too also see you dying - but yet they keeps on continue with their live as if you never exist...

When A Cheerful Person Becomes Silent...!!!
There is always a problem when the rooms become silent right? Either the people in the room is the trouble or you are the one they tries to avoid...for me this relates back to the two points above...i mean, if you are trying to suppress your emotions and you felt disappointed at certain things or someone, of course it will effect your moods....I understand that people usually can fake their smiles but what if those disappointment are bigger than your average limit? What if your emotions are so twisted that you don't actually know which one is real and which one is fantasy? For a cheerful person, their logic is that if they do not create a scene or brings out the laughter to the room, no one will...it is not like they are born with that incurable diseases - they are just been given a little bit more sensible attachment to save the awkwardness and they are not suppose to be taken for granted for...
I always felt sad when thinking about this three taboos because i always felt that this has everything to do with me...i don't know how much i can take any longer, but so far i'm glad that Allah have provide me with enough sensible and patient to dealt with this issues on my own...but until when? that is a million dollar question which i myself would like to know the answer...

~Taken for granted will led you to your own despair...sadness and devastation will never disappear...it can only be transform into something positive like happiness..so choose happiness...~

NO ONE WANTED TO LISTEN TO MY STORY?

The Old Days...!!!

I used to be an outcast in conversations...always the last one picked...no one really wanted to speak to me...that's why every time i go to any functions, i'd prefer to sit at the corners..hoping that someone would come and talk to me (since i'm too shy to start any sort of topic with anyone)...I would smile awkwardly...talk in weird pitch...stare to tensely at people when speaking (because i'm an idiot thinking that those were the

definition of "paying attention") and of course this were one of the obvious reason why i not that popular among girls...
But during those time...i was happy...i mean, i was an outcast...but i was happy...everyday i can smile earnestly...i can walk freely knowing that no one would bother to say "hi" or "hello" to me...never care whether i'd bump into classmates and having those "short-sighted" conversation where both of the person acted like they are in such a hurry - but actually aren't...I can enjoy my walk...and i can be as invisible as long as i wanted too...because truthfully, no one cared about me...no one...
Then things started to change...people start to noticing my presence...voices comes from every direction asking for "this" and "that"...questions after questions starts to flooded inn...and before i know it, i've become this popular guy with people lining up just to have time and book me for conversation...trust me, the numbers are massive...one by one people comes and go...speaking their heart content...telling me about all sort of stuff which i didn't even ask...asking me opinions and how to deal with their situations - normally i just use logic (and thank god my logic works 80% of the time) Hahaha
It was crazy...i think it has to be one of those "answered prayer" that i did way back then...because there is this one handsome guy which always be the center of everyone during my "hey day"...and everyday people would come and meet him..asking him stuff...hang out with him...treat him food - this is where i think to myself, "I really wanted to be like him..." So stupidly, i did this pray..and ask God to let me be like him...to be that handsome guy..in those center of attention...and be this wonderful person where everyone looked up too...and surprisingly, among millions of my prayer (including those stupid ones like wanting a space jet), this one is granted...excessively...!!!


I'm Not Complaining...!!!

Don't get me wrong...this is not a complaint about how much i regret what God has granted me...but more or less just to highlight that this prayer have a flaw which i don't think through before making them...those flaw were not as what it seems...because when i pray for people to come and speak to me...swarming me with all their questions - and me answering them make me look smart, treating me well and take me to places...I forgot that i myself also have a story to tell...i mean, after listening to thousands of people's stories, of course you have your own version to tell...am i right? but to whom do i tell mine? From years of doing this, i started to realize that a person such as (what I pray myself to be) is really hard to find...it's like we are some sort of an endangered species...and i am stupid enough to throw myself into this bottomless pit...-such a wise guy i am..right?
But seriously, where the heck is that "person" where i should tell my story too? Does God already stop this type of production or something? because i could really use some ears right now...only God knows how much pain that i felt pressing all of this within...with no one to speak too...because no one really cares about my side of the story...
Everyday i put a big smile...put up a good attitude...i speak nicely to people whom do not even have decencies to speak nicely back to me...i always tell myself that this is how things should be...this is how a person with a big heart should plunger...but the truth is, i never wanted myself to be in this state...i want to talk those things that i want to talk about...i want to tell someone how my day was...and how awful it is to be "me" right now...i want "that person" to know that i cried so many times...more than i should before...i always think about other people's problem, but not even once i looked at mine...for me, my problem is small compared to them...but honestly, everyone's problem is a big problem for themselves...it is just i'm too blind to see mine...


Who Can Help Me?

Do you know those metaphor where people say that you are in this dark pitch black hole when you are alone? and in those darkness, you can only hear voices echoing (if you are lucky) telling you to go to the light...well, i think i'm still in those holes...i still stuck in those darkness of mine with no one to drag me out of it...no one really wants to listen to what my heart wanted to say...they just so selfish to only think about themselves...but what about me? seriously...what about me?
A good friend of mine once told me that "i am special"...he tell me that in many years of befriending a lot of people, i'm tend to be his favorite...he told me that i really and honestly listened to what peoples been telling me...and he really appreciate that a lot...but then he also tell me that i will have a huge problem in the future if i keep on continuing to be people's redemption's wall...and now i know why he said that...only now i understand the reasons behind his speech...and God how painful this feeling is right now...
Now i just wish that someone...i don't know who..but i really prayed that someone will make the same wish that i did...and for some reason destined to visit me at someplace...where i can tell that person all my stories endlessly...every detail...every line of the scrap books...i want to show that person all the memories that i kept...the good...the bad...i want to expose everything...there are so many things to share...so many truth to be told...too may tears to be shed...too many heartbroken to be unraveled...then i want to cry so bad until i fall asleep...and if that sleep is my last sleep on earth, then i'll died as a happy being...knowing that i have done my part in this world...and finally able to tell someone my story...

~I'm A Writer Without A Pen~

TURNING 30...!!!

Understanding About Life...?
Now it seems that life works quite the opposite of what I used to think it would be...seeing countless people in various environment makes me understand how people actually react towards life...and how the challenges on each of us changed who we are...now i truly understand the meaning of "the only thing that does not change in life is changes itself.." we will experience "change" whether we like it or not, and we will grow whether we realize it or not...its a matter of acceptance and acknowledging the "facts" which depict and differentiate us between each other...
For the surreal experience which I've learned throughout this journey so far is there are no fast-track towards achieving big dreams...and if you achieve it easily means that your dream is not big enough (or at least not as big as what you thought it would be)...So far I've cried and laughed at myself for not seeing the true face of the world I lived inn...and how blinded I am till recently...and the best part has yet to come...what about my love life? what about my dream and goals? what about my family? what about my friends? what about them all? - if this is an episodes in Netflix then I'm pretty sure it will have at least 50 seasons more to come...Hahahaha

Chess Play...!!!
It seems that my strategy has yet show its true forms...somewhere along the line, all my dotted are aligned but not able to connect towards each other...perhaps due to my lack of determination? or maybe its my endurance? One by one my chess pieces has been sacrificed for the sole purpose of my future endeavor, but my "King & Queens" have yet able to move...there are lots and lots of pieces to move around...so many positions to configure...so many move yet to be tried...or should I just start moving my trump card? Castling my Rock? Shift my Bishops? or just focus on letting Pawn to take the lead as usual? Gosh...the irony of being underhand am I right?
Sometimes I wish that I can just casually walk without thinking...but most of the time when I tried to do that, other people will come and act as my "brain" for me...So many people claims that they can give me this and that...not forgetting those whom confidently probes that they know "myself" better than me - this might sounded like my ego talking but there is a fine line between egoistic and being prideful of your own achievement...
My late-father once told me that "for whatever thing that you do..do it with your full heart...people will talk about you whether you win or loose, so never take their words which they claimed defined who you are..." Remembering these words make me realized that I might understand why my chess piece haven't moved as planned...perhaps I let those thoughts get into my head...I easily let those people moved my focus and take advantage of my abilities - not saying that I have much though...

Act Your Age...!!!
Few people used to told me about how people should act their age as they grew older...some part of it I can understand...but overall of the concept failed to stay long....I just don't get why must we all be the same? why must we act the same? do the same thing? I mean, this is what the public expect right? but why must I condone to such bias-try and prejudice? I always love to see older people enjoying their time to the fullest - doing good or bad because for my own opinion, they just living their life as what God intended them to be...so God blessed them for those....
 Reaching to this stage makes me more open towards more possibilities in life...i mean, i just turned 30, but somehow I felt that there are more stuff to learn...and more thing to explore...(plus my hair is turning grey more than before...dayumnnn) and I think I'm getting better at seeing things in front of me...I'm becoming less judgmental...I love to see through things till the end instead of jumping into conclusion in the middle...and my tolerance level has increase from time to time...so its a good thing right?
Even though my age does pull some breaks on certain thing, but there are more options left unexplored....so I don't think that I'm loosing anything, more or less, i think I've been giving a chance to explore more about myself...and from there, I think I can conclude who I am and what am I suppose to do in this world...as a son & as a man...hopefully this new chapter brings me to a new height...a new possibilities...and a new light...people say that the grass is greener at the other side of the fence, but in my case, its a sliding door which i can choose to either open, or stay close...fingers cross...!!!!

~Changes in a man can turn into either good or bad depending on your result facing your challenges in life...but whatever the result is, its never meant to be fix...and it can be change...so always believe in yourself..because no one else will~

A Letter To Myself...!!!

Dear Past Me...

   Hope you are doing fine. The reason of me writing to you this letter is because I want to update you on what you will be experiencing in the next 10 - 15 years (no worries, I skipped the detail). As you know, being the future you are quite interesting. You will meet with a lot of great and incredible people. You will see the world in a different perspectives and believe it or not, people actually like being around you for some reason - i guess your pray to be a popular person among the crowd really does been answered (so thanks).

   The best of all, even though you are not financially strong, you are still able to visit those high profile places, clubs and hotels. The pay you get (so far) are low, but the experience you've gained are priceless - but not sure how long I can take this one though. In terms of friendships, you can breathe freely because you have gained a lot of supportive friends a long the way. Some you've loose due to unforeseen circumstances, but no worries because I am pretty sure they will come back after seeing you succeed in your life years from now - so fingers crossed.

   As for your love life (drum roll), i guess nothing changed that much since the last time. I mean, after countless series of disappointment, heartbreak, trust issues, I felt that perhaps chasing for love is not for you. Now, since I have different views about "love" in particular, I guess we should change from "I want you" to "Please find me" tactics. Trust me, chasing after girls are somewhat pointless if you are not financially strong or if you have a not-so-attractive physical - so please start working out now (so that I'll have less trouble finding girls).

   Family-wise, ever since dad passed away, mom is holding up just fine even though she fall sick last year - i was so terrified but I kept putting my game face. Those two bunch on the other hand are quite a handful with their problems and I don't think that you will be able to keep up with them sooner or later. I guess I am not a good brother since I can't protect them as what you intended. So I am really sorry to disappoint you with this news - you can blame me all you want but on my defense, I did try my best.

   Regarding your long term goal, I have to break it out to you that It has been postponed again due to my current circumstances. I guess dreaming of becoming the next Malaysia Airline CEO is just too big (even for now) - but I still haven't forgo that thought just yet. However, your other dreams might be rationalized this year - yes, I planned to become a singer (just like dad). Even though there is a lot of work need to be done, but at least I start with something, right?

   So, to summarize things up, your life is becoming more interesting and exciting (just like the movie you used to watch) and trust me, the pain I felt is real but It teaches me about life and how to live it. Even though I suffered a lot these past years, but I never regret any of those decisions I've made, or regretting those people I've met, because these are my teachers of life - so you much appreciate life more starting from now on. As for your search for "The One", I think I've found her (or at least a shadow of her) but she is not ready yet - plus she is still not able to see you using her heart. Now she sees with her eyes, and it's hard for me to feel her presence - but If she really is the one you seek, then someday she will learn on how to see using her heart and only by then I can feel her presence and hopefully she acknowledge me when the time comes.



Regards,
Wan Suhairi
Future You