What Have I Learned...?

It's Been 5 Years Since I First Started This Blog...!!!
How long does five year serves? Well, honestly, not that long if you ask me...slowly i realized the true meaning of the time factor against your wisdom...no wonder people keep on emphasizing that time is short...i can see it now...It's not so much about what you've achieve within this short period of time, but more towards how much you are living it...looking back at all the crazy stuff I've done so far, i realized that i able to live my life the way i wanted it to be...i mean, free is one thing, but able to make a difference in your own way of life is remarkably an achievement on itself...
Don't get me wrong, the system does have its benefits....but having it your own way have its strolls too...not able to have steady income...don't know when your next paycheck's gonna come also some of its traits...but for some reason, i still feel that i'm moving towards the right direction...why? I don't even have an ounce of fear within me...why? am i blinded by my goal? or i'm just plain stupid? Even i can't tell the difference, but people keeps on making their judgement...so yeah...its for me to know, and for them to figure it out...!!!

Love Life...!!!
It's been a roller-coaster ride so far...i mean, every time when i "think" i've met with "the one", then something else kicks in...suddenly the relationship got sour...or dry...as if they are judging me throughout the periods of getting to know each other...i totally understand the fact that you have doubts about who you be with...and how you always visualized how your life would be together...but from what i can see in my case was, it's more towards how you present yourself rather how you commit yourself...i guess women nowadays are more interested on what they see, rather then what they felt...honestly, in the "looks" department, i think i'm miles away from those other guys so to speak...but in terms of being an affectionate partner, i dint think that i'm far off from their scale...but again, that's its my own judgment...not them...

So, i've been wondering...if i were able to get those "good looks" and those "wealth", would i want to go and chase back those ladies? will it change things? will it define who i am? Will it make the whole definition of loving someone played differently? Would it set another scene for someone like me? Would it mean that i able to finally broke the barrier? or being successful?
If that's the case, then the world is sad...it's not the world that i dreamed when i was a child...i still remember during those days, i never think about all this nonsense...everyone is equal on their ground...everyone is smiling to each other...no one ever talks about how rich their family is...or where did they go for their holidays....the worst would be how big is your lunchbox...and that's it...nothing more..and nothing less...its all about your heart...and how honest you are...i really miss those days...

Friends & Family...!!!
Well, so far i consider myself as lucky...i still got my family to cheer for me...friends to accompany me...some comes...and some goes...i guess that were meant to be...sad, but i have to face the fact that not everyone can ride along with what you rode...nevertheless, i am thankful that those people existed...even their role either to just to have a normal chats...or helping me to be at where i am right now...both are equally important...i can only wish the best for them and their life in the future...and apologies for not being a good friend...
One thing that i've learned about this matter is that you can only bring a certain group with you at one period of time...there will come to the times where they feel unhappy, or stressed out with what you do...those people that once were your backbone can be your own enemy when the times hit south...its nothing personal i guess, its just preferences has changed...either they are not the same person that they used to be before...or you are not the same person you used too...but one things are clear...you are not seeing eye to eye anymore...so separation is the best choice for me so far...not forever though...i still believe that someday in some faithful day, we will meet again..and hopefully in a different circumstances...

~A journey is not a journey unless you step both foot outside and run towards the horizon~

Relationship Problems...!!!

What Does It Mean...?
Relationship is not something that you "declare" or "write-inn" in some papers...relationship is a sacred bond between two person's heart which only can be felt by non-other than both of them...so even though you say that you are in a relationship, you are not truly inn if you do not felt it to your core...from what i've seen, a lot of "couple" nowadays like to "declare" their co-existence with their partner as somewhat a relationship, but the truth is, they are not together spiritually...and most of them co-habit-ed just for the sake of fulfilling each other personal needs...does that is what "relationship" meaning has come too...?
Ideally, if you "in love" with someone...you should felt empty inside every time when that person is not around...your laughter seems dull when they are not around...when you are together, all the joy suddenly doubled...all the lame jokes seems on point...those awful restaurant now felt like an expensive dining hall when that person seat in front of you on the table...the night seems so fast...and the day seems longer...
Waking up seeing her face is the most exciting feeling of all...knowing that you have someone is there when you are down...and all your problem doesn't seems that awful when she's around...their clumsiness and their cheekiness are not all annoying...until you reach to these point, than just consider yourself as "not really in a relationship"...but more or less just being together with someone that you "like" instead of "love"...

Un-appreciative Gesture...!!!
Most of the time when i passed by on a restaurant or a coffee shops, i can see a lot of "love-birds" hanging and chilling out on a date and it seems nice at first...but as time passes, i can see that both of them are not really dating each other, and it bugs me every time as i genuinely identified these small un-appreciative gesture made by them during dating...phones consistently on their hands...looking at other peoples profiling or texting other people during dating seems not something that could be pass on as "having a good time" with your partner...dating used to be the time where you fully utilize your presence with your partner..sharing stories...exchange feelings and emotions...tell jokes...eating and drinking is just an excuse to be together really...but now, dating has become an obligation as a partner to meet once in awhile...and seriously, it does look bad...really bad...!!!
I think partner need to start to be more appreciative of their other half...because if not, the effort of "being together" will only just be a word that people talk about, and not a word that carved in your heart...The same goes for marriages and how many failed marriage starts with these gestures? lack of communication and lack of trust is the catalyst of unsuccessful marriage...and to think that those add commercial about having material as signs of happiness seems true in nowadays scene...but it not suppose to be real in the first place...!!!

Repair The Damage...!!!
The most complex puzzle to be put together is the women's mind and a heart that has been broken...and it's the most curious but true epidemic salvation of truce whereby one mistakes found some halo to try and make things work again..but trust me, the "trust" is so valuable in which when it cracked (even just a little), it takes thousands of good-will just to cover it up...and most of us always take granted for the trust we get...which beg the question whether we are worthy of such responsibility or not?...
But trust me, preventing is less headache than trying to fix it...because once the heart is broken, the work that need to be put...and the effort to make it lively again will be immense...and still, it wont be the same...not anymore...so whatever that you do..do it with cautions and know your game before you start them...!!!

Goodbye 2016...Hello 2017...!!!

The New Beginning To My Ending...!!!

Well..i started my year with bits of sourness since i got sick for quite number of days...and here i am thought that this year could be lenient...i guess i was wrong in that department...but i'm recovering (and guess what?) i will start back my journey with new spirit...new resolutions...and new and improve "Me" (self-proclaimed)....hahaha Generally new year is the time when all of us move on to the next stages in life right? but for me, half of it will be use to scrape those tiny leads of my past...not to cling, but more to understand who am i, and what is the reason of my existence in this world...

The new me will be different this year...i can be sure of that...because if 2016 ever teaches me anything, it would be that "life goes on"...trust me when i say this, these phrase seems easy to say, but a hell of pain to swallow...I still go with my guts in this...but i am pretty sure i've become a bit wiser and a better person than i am before...the people i've met, the places i've been...the experience that i've gain will not be in veil...because i got big plans for myself this year (just wait and see) :-)

The Conjuring Of My Soul...!!!

What i can expect for myself this year is that "This is it..." this is the year of wealth...for almost two years of scrapping for bits of money to survive and clinging onto people's mercy for opportunity has made me stronger (in a hypothetical way)...and this year will be the platform of me to show and tell...trust me, if you are in my shoes right now, you will be really thrilled to start something too...i think from this small gap of bravery (but most people say "idiocracy") that i've taken, i have able to separate myself from the rest of my peers and throw away my skeptical on "how life should work" and start a new...  

Since early 2014 to 2016, i have endure so much negativeness from a lot of people (sadly some of them comes from those i trust the most)...but as i go along this road, i realized that their skeptics has fueled me countless time and for that i can't really channel my anger to them...(not even worthy of my time really...) :-p I don't really believes in miracle since i'm the type that always push my way through hard work and persistence...but every ounce of cells in my body tells me that this year one will happen...and hopefully Allah will be kind enough to allow such a person such as myself to try his luck...fingers cross :-) Aminnn

Baggage's And Crossroads...!!!

I have decided to empty my baggage this year...So no more unprecedented liability...no more unworthy companions...no more hollow feelings....no more clinging to my old self...Its all about me and my family...because i have done trying to act cool...i've done trying to care so much about people that never actually give a damn about me...and also done trying to be this "perfect" figure which plays no role in my current journey...I've done doing all those stuff...so no more "Mr. Nice Guy" after this guys...sorry...!!!

In fact, how about we play this game which i like to call "Crossroads" (I invented myself)...the rule is simple...If at any point during my life journey, either you or any other person which knew me kinda bumped into me accidentally during any time onward, then it means you have a role in my life and we are meant to stay with each other (until either of us separate of course)...if not, then let just say "It was meant to be..." How about that? No heart feelings...!!!

During this stage of myself, I can't be bothered to worry about other stuff besides my family and my goal..it has to be done and i hope all of you understand (if you read this note means you have at least a decency to get a hold of my life story..)Nothing personal...just me trying to jump-start my life over-here...

~Wishing All A Happy New Year And Hopefully This Year Would Bring Something New In Your Life~

      

Letting Go...!!!

Not Really Easy As Said & Done...!!!
Since I started this journey of mine, I've encounter a lot of negativity surrounding me...and the biggest challenges does come from those whom knew me personally...let it be just a hoax gesture or simply plain crooked bash-drop towards my ambition....nevertheless, people keep on trying to pull me down and there were times where I felt "maybe it's time to condone to their demands...."
"People just don't see what I'm trying to do..." My tracks does move from side to side, but my focus has never waver even for one bit...If only I can make them see what I see...(however if one thing that experience do teach me, you will never able to satisfy the whole lot of them)...so I decided to keep my mouth shut and stay in the dark...let them wondering rather than I do the explaining...it's better that way i guess....
As far as age is concern, it does torn me a bit seeing a lot of my friends and relatives getting married...have kids...plus have their life together so perfectly...and sometimes I think to myself "did I do this wrongly...?"

Different People Have Different Timeline...!!!
Not all have a good written timeline on their side...so I never judge those who have it late...or praise those who have it earlier...because I know that mine maybe somewhere in between (hopefully)...What I need to really focus on is to reach where I believe could bring me to my happiness...Now I realize people saying that "even you doing nothing wrong, people still want to bring you down..." It's not as if I meddling with their life or anything, but their sense of eagerness and curiosity led them towards that conclusion...and the end, it wrecks other people's life...and trust me, it hurts like hell...especially when the closest is the one whom led the way...
Most of the time, when I look back into my life, I can only see loneliness...just pure loneliness...but when time passes by, those loneliness started to slowly disappear...not by odds...but by heart content on desperate relief and self-salvation...no one can release you from your despair accept for yourself...and no one can bring you down unless you let them too...

Will The Journey Continue...?
I will try my best to uphold my believe...until the end of time...until the end of my life...I will keep on going towards this road that I choose...either I succeeded or die trying..that's the only way I know how...I don't really care much of what people say..or what they will do to me...what I know is that this is my "Nindo ~ Ninja Way"....and no one can take that away from me...no one will....ever...!!!
I hope this will inspire those whom have dreams...and please always going towards it...never waver..and never think for a second that you are going south...because trust me, when you see everyone is going north, going south aren't really that bad....always be different...because Allah created us different as an individual...why must we became a same person? It's good to unite...but unite as "one" is different than "being one"...so always beware...copycats are everywhere nowadays...!!! Be yourself...stay true to yourself... :-)

What Makes You Different...?

Is It The Taste...?
Have you ever met with someone that "thinks" that they are better than you? And always assume that they are superior than you in every level...? always look down on you...never wanted to hang out with you...never notices you....which makes me think, what makes them different than us? What makes them "think" that they are no less than different than us? hmmmm..because their reason seems legit based on their attitudes...So I did my own research on this...and guess what? the result is scarcely "stupid"....!!! and didn't seems legit at all...but those "posers" seems to be enjoying the view..and love the attention....what a douche...!!!
What i found out based on my observation is that those "posers" think that they are different than everyone else is due to their so-called "exquisite-taste" in certain field...and because of that, they felt superior than those whom seems lesser than their preferences....(but what the heck..?)...For example, some "posers" like good music...they love something exquisite like "Jazz" or "Classical" which they assume that not many people in their "neighborhood" would like them...so every time when everyone wanted to share their "favorite tracks"..these douche would proudly increase the volume of the speaker and let the world know that "I'm unique"...  instead of "This is what I like.."
Same thing goes to Car-enthusiast which always seek for either a really "vintage car" or highly regarded and really expensive car just to brag and feel unique...I do understand that everyone is constantly searching for that "one thing" that makes them different in hoping that other people would acknowledge them and recognize them as they were...but most of us trying so hard which we force ourselves to be someone which we are not...and that would contradict with who we truly are...and that is baaaaddddd....!!!!

Some Douche Just Like Being A Douche...!!!
Posing as someone else does bring confident for certain people...some wanted to be like "Jay Z"...some wanted to be like "Richard Branson"...some wanted to be like "Mandela"....i mean, having an idolize character does have its turning point..especially when people start to "compare" between you and the "real one"...would that be kinda ugly...???
Some just ignore the rule of nature (which everyone is different in their own way) and just keep on living in their dreams...always fantasizing about how great their life would be if they able to follow the footsteps of those character that they've followed...and consistently changes their principle...and being all blur and just following the stream as they walk pass by...(not a good one to be i tell you...)
As a fellow "douche-bags", i would suggest that starting from now, all of us need to be more like yourself and less like other people...but the trick to this sort of "shifts" is to identify "who are you...?" and "what is your style?"...some people takes years to found them..some got it right away...some just too lazy to figure those out and copy others instead...you make the choice...!!!

Everyone Is The Star In Their Own World...!!!
Never feel lesser than the rest of the world...regardless of who you are...and where you came from...you are unique as you yourself already...why must take the "highway" and change that fact...? People will still envy you even if you are poorer than them...shorter than them...fatter than them...darker than them...because your imperfection is the most perfect uniqueness of them all...some people would die to have what you have...regardless of whether you have a million dollars in your account or not... because having your own identity is what intrigue people the most...always remember that out there, billions of people still lurking and scrapping dirt and dust just to figure out who they are...so if you are confident that you already did, then you already a step ahead from those people...why must you feel inferior and bad about it? Learn to love yourself...because no one else would do them for you...and always cherish every inches of your body, because that God-given body is what makes you unique...maybe not in the eyes of others..but in-front of HIM, you will always be his one-and-only piece of unique creation....!!!
  

Life Is Short..Make It Meaningful...!!!

People Don't Realize It...!!!

Have you ever wonder why we are given a short period of time to live our life? Is it just for us to exist? or just to get by and die as a "normal" person...? And if it is, then would you feel happy about it? Would you never question about your existences? would you never felt empty and insignificant? I have that doubts about how we should live normally since i was really young...have you?
Have you ever wonder "why can that guy bought that really expensive car?..." or "how on earth that person could travel to places even though he didn't look like much..." Funny to add, because i keep on comparing those people with my family during those time (which is wrong in every level)....and at one point of time, i even question myself and my fate...and this has created a lot of confusions, and dissatisfaction throughout my childhood days...when i asked my mom or my dad about those stuff, and their reply would always be the same "not everyone have that chance in life...." or "we should be grateful of what we have..." I do understand our situation at that time..and i accept every bits of it since i can't make any changes about it...but what about now? Can i still make that difference? Can I change my own fate?

I Dream A Dream...!!!
Is it wrong to dream big? My religion and the people around me always say the same thing, "It is just enough for you to achieve something that can make you feel happy..." but what if "happiness" for me lies on those dark tunnel? What if i'm destined to do more than just being a regular person? What if...? (or do i understand it wrongly?)

It's a cruel question to ask your mom and dad..since they already given every bit of their effort just to make a living for all of us...and for certain people, this could lead to disrespect and hurtful to those whom we cherish and loved the most...but in some small part inside my heart, i kept on saying "there is nothing wrong to question our effort..or others...since we are all in this together..." the more we convey our thoughts, the more we understand each other..am I right?
I wish that someday I'll be able to touch the sky..and to hold those dream I've longed for..and be among those who achieved theirs...I can see that we will all laugh at our old mistakes...teasing each other's stupidity...see a lot of flashbacks...and drop tears at our previous sufferings and losses...even now i felt that I've lost so many things in life...but I need to keep on moving forward...to that very special place that only a certain people can enter...to the land of the dreamers...

Age Is Just A Number...!!!
I know that being at my age right now doesn't seems that bad to start something...but I'm pretty much sure that even though for the next 10 to 20 years ahead...if I failed to achieve my dreams..I will always be proud of myself...telling a lot of stories to my children..and my children's children....and I will make them annoyed by my story telling session...and they will keep on asking why didn't I achieve my dreams..and I will tell them those things I've done..and the thing's that I haven't have the chance too...and up to a certain time, when they are old enough to chase their's...they will come to ask me my advice and stuff...and when they do..I will give them my best...treat them and train them to not do the mistakes I did..and to do the things that I suppose to do...
Just something that I would like to achieve before I close my eyes for good...before I breathe my last breath...before I can't say any words at all...I really want to see that someday, my children's smile...and their laughter...that very special look on their face as if they are saying "I am proud of you..." Because that is the face I should have done to my dad...the one that he didn't really get the chance to see (because I keep on hiding it...) I wish that I've done that...and I'm really wish that he realize how proud I am for him...the things that he have done..the suffering and hardship...It does put a tears every time i think about it...

~A true man doesn't show his tears in front of their love ones...because if he did, then they will start to cry too...and of all the horrible things that he has seen, that is the only thing he wishes not too...~  

A Man With A Mission...!!!

Are You...?
For as long as I can remember, I always have this strong feeling that I meant to do something...not just for myself, but also to the good of others...but what is it? I just can't accept that my life is just for work my butt off and pay bills until I die..for me that is not even an option...none at all...!!! I was amaze that most of the people I know have that sort of thoughts which only think about their own selfishness and always ask "what can I benefit from this...?" every time anyone seek for their help...It makes me sad..because they always admire those people who succeed in life but never actually seek on the means of them getting there...
However, slowly I get the chance to understand them...I guess Allah want me to experience it for myself before I make those judgement onto them...clearly what they are fighting are not "selfishness" but rather "survival" for their own continuation...I guess the word "We maybe can't win today's battle, but we can always live to survive and fight another day..." does prolong this settlement...I just can't believe how stupid I am to ever think that only my "fight" are the truth...whereas the truth lies in many forms...even at it slowest peak...I'm just plain idiot...!!!
Every person have their own battle to fight..regardless whether it is for others, or just for themselves, fight is a fight...and no amount of denial can bring it down to its knees...but i guess for the rest, only those whom effected others significantly counts...and small justice is just not good enough...but seriously if you look closely, those small justice is what makes the world spinning...and the people at bay...not those big and majestic ones...but still, in the end...only that was counted...sad really...!!!!

A Fateful Meeting...!!!
I've happen to met with this strange "Englishmen" during my walking towards the car-park the other day...I found it strange  because he is quite "crazy" to be honest..by the looks of it...He keeps on mumbling all the time...doing this weird "movement" as if he is chanting for something...sometime he stare at the sky at nothing...and sometime he just make this hand "dancing-like" gesture and for a split second he just turn back to normal and resume walking...I was fascinated by his so-called "character, so give him this "stare" as if I wanted his attention...and fair enough, a few moment after I reach the car-park, that fellow followed me and give me a warm hello....I was stunned at that moment but I do keep my cool and answer him politely...suddenly he ask "can I have a look there at the main entrance gate...?"
For him wanted to seek my permission to look around at this restricted area nearby...so I reply "I'm sorry, but I'm not the authority to give you that permission sir..." He then said "Really? then what is your authority then...?" I replied "I'm no one sir...just nobody..." He said "What is your purpose in life...? What is the reason for you to be born...?" I just mumbling then without any clue on how to answer that question...I mean, I could answer his question with any sort of reply right? but for that very moment, I felt like my heart wanted me to answer his question honestly...but deep down I know that I don't have any answer for that..so I replied "I never ask that question to myself sir...so I don't know how to reply to it..." He then just give me a small but meaningful smile and then ask me to give me a reply when I ready with it...then he left...
Starting that moment, I kept asking myself "what is the purpose of me being born?" and it hunt me ever since...I mean, form religious perspective, it does make sense right? but specifically what are the things that I'm destined for? I simply don't know it yet...

My Mission...!!!
It's hard to determine that when your goal is to make things better for everyone, right? Nothing specific, but does it really need to be? Do I need to have a specific goal for that specific dream? Can't I just bluntly do good things and hope that my course of action will lead me to somewhere? or simply just keep on hoping for miracle....I guess as I'm getting older, the more question comes into the picture which need me to find it answer with full conscious..and not just throw some dart and hoping I get the "bull-eyes" anymore....It just won't work now...
I think It is wise for us to really carefully think about what we need to do...not just for a person, but also as a son...daughter...wife...husband...leaders...Ulama'...politicians...teachers...or whomever that we are...because someday we will be ask this question...maybe not from that "Englishmen" that I've met, but more or less by our children..or other people that depend on us to make that difference in life...and how would you response to that sort of question when you yourself did not have the answer...I'm grateful that I able to receive such blows at my early stage of my life, but what If the question only comes later (when I'm 50 or something) wouldn't it already been too late? Think about it...